My Own Man

I feel this magnetic pull bringing me back to the moment.

- I was feeling a little... - But seriously,

- where are we going? - I don't know. Where are we going?

Well, where did this thing happen?

I think we're going back to 1985.

It was a chilly evening. Crisp... taut.

The evening Jay is talking about

happened when we were in high school.

This is...

I don't know if he still thinks about it,

but the reason I brought him back here is because I do.

So, is this where you got mugged, basically? Right here?

Well, I think the fun started coming around that corner.

We're walking here...

and the gentlemen sort of infused themselves into our little gaggle.

Some guy jumped on me, like, with a bear hug from behind.

The moment I got hit, I assumed it was a bottle

because I felt, you know, liquid, which was blood.

But I assumed it was a bottle,

and I remember thinking, "That's kind of cool.

I was just sort of, like, in a bar fight in an old Western."

I will say, I was a little upset with my supporting cast that evening.

They may have had some pom-poms, cheering on the side,

but I could have used maybe a little more...

Actual assistance.

Do you remember what, sort of, happened to me during that whole thing?

Like, when things went down, do you remember where I was?

What happened? Were they grabbing you, as well?

Did you trip? Were you taking a pee? What happened?

I was lying under a car.

You were lying under a car! You were lying under a car.

I don't know why that's funny. It just is. Oh, man.

Obviously, I'm not proud of it.

It's been 20 years since I watched Jay get mugged.

Maybe the reason I haven't let it go is

because I feel like I'm still that guy, hiding under the car.

I looked at you and I was like,

"That guy and I are supposed to be friends. I know it."

That was my first impression of you.

Because you didn't strike me as a dude.

You were warm and open. You were almost like a chick.

You're actually a woman trapped in the body of a man,

and I've thought that for a long time.

- Are you being serious? - I mean, kind of.

You're a sensitive soul, like the way women are sensitive.

What does that mean?

When I talk to you about stuff,

it doesn't feel different than when I'm talking to my girlfriends.

In our family,

since you were the youngest, you were definitely the follower.

If Michael wanted to play ball and tackle you,

you were delighted to do that.

If Lisa wanted to dress you up in dresses, you were delighted to do that.

- Mmm-hmm. - You didn't care what it was

as long as you were included.

Forty. You want one for good luck?

I'm now turning 40,

and I don't have a family... a successful career...

a life I'm proud of.

But it goes deeper than that.

I'm a guy who can't stand up for himself, who can't hold his own.

And I don't wanna be that guy anymore.

It pisses me off that I just might not be an alpha male.

You're not.

You're not.

I might not come off as an alpha male,

but I tend to become friends with guys who are.

Ian was no exception.

Part of the thing I like about you is that you're not an alpha male.

You know?

- You're... - How is that a strength?

Huge strength.

It's not a strength if you wish you were something else.

I was trained to be an alpha male.

My father, when I was a kid, used to take...

He had big, strong hands, as do I now.

And he would say, "Come here, son."

And he would shake my hand and squeeze it

until I was able to squeeze it back.

And I spent years...

He's like, "Squeeze back, squeeze back, squeeze back."

And now, I've got the grip.

Alpha males are assholes.

Pretty much.

But you're not an asshole.

There's an asshole in me... because I'll bite your throat out.

I'll fucking kill you if I need to.

An alpha male's not afraid to risk not being liked.

It's more important to an alpha male to express himself...

than it is to get along with people.

'Cause an alpha male doesn't need to get along with people

'cause he's more powerful than them, "theoretically."

An alpha male in the wild doesn't need to make sure that everybody likes him.

He's gonna chew their face off if they don't like him.

What do you think it'll take for me to get there?

I don't think you ever will.

- How'd that feel, when I said that? - Well, crushing.

The only way you get there

is if I say to you, "I don't think you ever will,"

and you go, "Yeah? Fuck you! I will."

That's the way you get there.

No. No. No!

What part of "no" don't you understand?

I'm not asking you, I am telling you.

I'm not asking you, I'm telling you!

Get out of my way.

Get the fuck out of my way. Get the fuck out of my way!

You can see why people don't get out of my way.

Yes, that's it.

I realize that voice lessons

don't sound like the fast track to finding your manhood.

But I wanted a stronger voice, to be less of a pushover.

You're gonna let it go wildly through your whole body, arms, legs, face.

Neil's a voice coach who was hoping

to bring out my inner caveman.

- - That's it. Great. Keep going.

- - Good, good.

Yeah, wild. Keep it long. Really, can you keep 'em long?

Can you hear yourself painting the walls with the sound?

Explore the violence of it, enjoy it.

- Good, now just take a moment and stop. -

Keep your eyes shut. Now put your hands on your belly.

And just take in what you're experiencing now.

What do you feel?

Yeah, it brings alive a lot

that usually stays way, way beneath the surface.

It's definitely a much more aggressive energy

than I normally carry around.

But I still feel like I'm wearing it and not inhabiting it, somehow.

Well, personally, my feeling is better to wear it than to not get near it.

There's that phrase, "Fake it till you make it."

Right now, I'd like you to be exploring aggression.

And I don't expect it to seem natural. It's not natural to you.

- You de-habituated yourself to that... - Right.

...a long time ago.

Neil thought I could learn to be more assertive,

and I hoped he was right.

I was male, after all, and figured I was wired to be assertive.

So, did you get a chance to look at my levels?

I did, yeah.

- So, what'd they say? - Well, it's very interesting, actually.

We're told testosterone is... 262 is the low, to 1,593.

So a big range, but that comprises men of all ages.

And so... your testosterone came in...

And remember, I said 262 to 1,593.

You came in at 262.

So, the absolute lowest?

The absolute lowest you can... But normal.

Now, I thought, "Ooh, this is gonna be perfect for a movie."

I identify more with the qualities

people tend to associate with women.

- Empathy, being a good communicator... - Mmm-hmm. Okay.

...and those sorts of things,

and don't identify as much with the things that are supposed to be male.

Aggression, competitiveness, things like that.

It's funny that you rattled those off in the...

'Cause I've been accused of having no empathy,

I've been accused of being a terrible communicator.

And I've been brimming with confidence most of my life

'cause things have just worked out for me.

Um, but I've never checked my testosterone level...

so I don't know.

You've never been curious in all this work to test your own level?

I really haven't.

My body behaves like a body that seems to be adequately testosteronized.

So I've just never checked.

You talk a lot about wanting to stand up for yourself,

and so I think that that's what you associate with masculinity,

that kind of confidence, and that outward appearance

of somebody who has direction and knows what they want, goes after it, gets it.

I've never felt like you weren't enough of a man.

You don't seem feminine to me.

Is that why you fell in love with me,

because I made you feel like more of a man?

No, it's not gonna work, baby. You're gonna...

I can't watch everything you're gonna fall into.

- You can't? - No.

I hadn't been in a serious relationship in eight years.

- Hey, Rachel. - Hey.

But then I met Rachel.

For the first time in a long time, I was able to let someone in.

Home.

Things got serious.

You're the most romantic guy in the world.

And before we could plan a wedding...

It's turning positive. I'm pregnant.

Then I heard the words every father is supposed to wanna hear.

Wow.

You are having a little boy.

A boy! Oh, my God!

You once said that you felt like a boy would be more challenging for you

'cause you also relate more to women in your life.

- Yeah. - And I feel that way, too,

but I feel excited about that.

It really feels different.

It really feels like it's gonna be such a discovery.

Like, it's just something so new.

I didn't grow up with boys at all, so I feel like,

"Wow, I get to experience this thing that I didn't ever know before."

How do you feel?