Dry Bar Comedy

Ladies and gentlemen

please welcome to the stage Alex Velluto.

Hello.

Thank you very much.

If you actually knew me you'd know that is too much.

You guys my name's Alex and this is my real voice.

And I'm very sorry you're gonna

have to listen to me for a while.

Lot of people think I'm gay I'm not.

Does that surprise you?

Surprises a lot of people.

I'm not gay.

I don't know what sexual orientation I am actually.

What's the one where you like girls

but none of them like you back?

What's it called?

It's called lonely, that's what it's called.

Let me tell you what not a lot

of people are supportive of lonely people.

They're like look you can be lonely in private

just don't be flamboyantly lonely in public.

Just bumming all of us out.

If you're gay though you get to come out of the closet.

But if you're lonely mostly you just stay

in the closet you know?

Sometimes you come out of your

parents basement and that's fun.

When you come out as gay it's celebrated too.

People go wow you are so brave for accepting yourself

but if you come out as lonely it's just sad.

Like I just want to let you know I'm very lonely right now.

People don't say you're breve either.

They say why are you talking to me?

They don't know who you are.

I came out as lonely to my parents

thought they were very supportive.

They were like well Alex we can't say we weren't suspicious.

Ever since you were a little kid we could tell

that no one liked you but we love you very much.

Gay marriage is legal now but we still

live in a society where lonely people can't get married.

Right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

No marriage equality for me yet.

But I'm taking it to the Supreme Court.

That is correct.

Even then I think that justices would be like

yeah we can't find anyone for you.

We've actually conferred and it's

the majority opinion of this judicial body

that you're kinda icky actually.

Lonely people are discriminated against.

And it's hard 'cause I can't raise

awareness for loneliness like

I can't have a lonely pride parade.

First off I'm not proud about it at all.

And if I did have a parade who would come?

It would just be me alone on the street.

Waving at nobody.

Maybe throwing candy at some random bystander.

He's like why's he throwing candy at me?

Don't like this parade.

We're discriminated against.

We can't get married.

You know what else lonely people can't do?

We can't ride in the carpool lane.

Yeah carpooling is discrimination against lonely people.

The Jim Crow of the highway.

Carpool lane has it's own symbol too.

There is a symbol to my oppression my friends.

And it is the diamond symbol.

It's like the swastika for lonely people.

It's rude, they picked the diamond to remind us of

the diamond on the wedding ring we'll never have to buy.

That's why they did that.

Lots of people are discriminated against though.

I think especially in the names

that we give to certain diseases.

Like don't you think it's a little offensive

that people with attention deficit disorder

that we thought we had to abbreviate it to ADD?

Like the doctor that came up with it

was probably like look you have a disability but

you're not even gonna be able

to pay attention long enough for me to tell you what it is.

And could you please stop playing with my stethoscope?

Like try and pay attention man.

The people that came up with Aspergers

had to have been joking right?

These guys are like hey these people

have a hard time picking up on social cues.

What should we call this disease?

The other guy was like wait a minute.

You mean to tell me we can name this thing anything we want?

And when they say the name they'll have

no idea of knowing how awkward it is?

Get this, Aspergers.

Dyslexia was the same process.

They were like these people have a hard time reading.

What should we call this?

They guys like let's make it the hardest word to read ever.

Have an S and a X, they don't stand a chance.

When they try and read the name of their own disease

they'll be like I have like lik-steck-sia.

No sis-lex-thia it'll be hilarious.

I think the way we raise money for people

with disabilities is a little weird too sometimes.

Like I say an asthma 5k.

Yeah let's raise money for these people by

doing the one thing they can't do.

That's like doing a charades tournament for the blind.

Or co-ed boxing for domestic violence.

Yeah that is offensive.

Now you know how the people with asthma feel.

Really mean spirited what we're doing to them.

We're basically going yeah I'm gonna have

a lot of fun running in this race you can't run in.

Want to hear the play list I'm gonna listen to?

I've got Just Breath by Faith Hill.

Take my Breath Away from the Top Gun Soundtrack.

Lots of songs by Weezer on my playlist.

Rife with irony.

The weird ways we discriminate against people

with disabilities like I was on the bus

and they have these seats on the bus that say

please yield these seats to handicapped people.

But then they have the translation

of that sign in braille for the blind people.

Not necessary.

Here's the message we're sending to blind people

with this we're like look you may be blind

but you're not that handicapped okay.

Stop being so dramatic.

What if someone comes along that's

more handicapped than you can't you see that?

I saw a fire extinguisher with the instructions in braille.

Let's analyze this scenario shall we?

We're saying to a blind person

if the building should happen to go up in flames

you are not off the hook for the whole rescue effort.

We expect you being blind to maneuver your way

through the flames, locate the fire extinguisher

but read the instructions first,

and then put out the fire.

How's that supposed to work?

They got to be like okay aim extinguisher at base of flames.

Alright, base of flame, base of flame.

Yeah it's seems hotter over here.

Yeah I got it, I think I got it.

And I'm single.

All my friends are married though.

I can tell that my friends are married

because they will immediately change their

relationship status to married on Facebook

on their wedding night.

What are you doing on Facebook on your wedding night?

Even I the lonely one know what

you're supposed to be doing right now.

And these are all my religious friends too.

So I know they've been waiting for this night.

What is the hold up?

Think they're just going look I don't want

to do anything unless we're married

in front of the sight of God and Mark Zuckerberg okay.

I promise in the future the whole

wedding ceremony will just be on Facebook

like the minister will write you take each other

to be man and wife, husband will just like the status.

Wife will write hashtag blessed.

Minister will write I now pronounce you man and wife.

You may create one of those creepy joint accounts

where no one knows who's talking.

Right.

Let's all applaud for those, let's eliminate those.

I don't know how to respond to certain things

people write on Facebook like,

especially if they're really sad.

Like there's this guy in my neighborhood

that wrote on Facebook that he'd been

diagnosed with colon cancer.

I didn't know how to respond so what I decided

what would be best for me to do

would be to correct his grammar.

You know just how I like to help.

I was like hey man it's not

you are cancer, it's your cancer.

You're contraction was unnecessary.

I didn't really do that.

I'd be tempted to do it if he had forgotten to use a colon.

Like how, how can you pass that up?

That'd be too good an opportunity to pass up.

It would be like hey man you forgot to check your colon.

He'd be like yeah I know.

Moral of the story, check you colon.

The times to check you colon are colon

if you're over 45 or starting a list in a sentence.

Good you went to English class.

Good for you.

Another group on Facebook that bug me