Santa's Slay

l'd better get a Kate Spade bag this year.

And none of that shopping-mall, chain-store shit.

Settle for nothing less than Prada, girls.

Gwen! Don't be telling my kids that.

l'm trying to teach them some values.

You're getting Kate Spade.

Hey.

What does Gwenie want from big ol' Santa?

Just a faithful husband.

What's the second thing she wants?

You know what l'm thinking, angel?

- What, darling? - l was thinking,

"Dear God,

don't let this bird taste like a shoe like it did last year.

Let it be tender and moist just for once."

Yeah, moist. That would be nice.

lt's called "foreplay."

l don't wanna screw the bird. l wanna eat it.

l swear to you she dehydrated this turkey from Thanksgiving.

Come here, Scribbles.

You try it.

Scribbles.

One potato.

- Ooh, Virginia. - Two potato.

Oh, that's a good one.

Three potato.

Let's dig in.

Listen, you half a fag!

l'll stick this fork in your eye!

Why don't you beg Santa for a pair of balls?

Beth, say grace.

Dear Lord,

thank you for the bountiful food that you've provided for us,

and that our loving family can be together this Christmas.

Also, thank you for not making us poor

or Samoan.

Thank you for Maxim Pharmaceuticals,

the latest M-Class,

and let those that are less fortunate work harder.

Agh! Whoa!

Oh my God! My stocking!

ls that...

Santa?

Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus.

Whoa!

Daddy!

Who are you? What are you doing?

You want some?

Help!

No, Santa! No!

l've been good!

What the hell is in the Holiday Hoagie?

- Turkey, cranberry, stuffing and mayo. - What? Slow down!

And stop smacking on that damn chewing gum!

Yeah, uh...

turkey, Raisinettes, Cheerios, cranberries,

gummy bears, Altoids...

Oh, you're being cute, you little shit.

Just give me the roast beef plain, none of that lean crap.

You're just as loony as your crackpot grandfather.

l hope you haven't inherited that old codger Yuleson's Christmas spirit.

Tell that boob to put some Christmas decorations up.

How're you doing there, Mrs. Talbot? How are you?

That's a roast beef sandwich. That's $4.75.

- That's with a senior discount? - Yes, it is.

What a hustle!

Would $4.50 make you any happier?

$4.50.

All right.

Here you go.

And have a very happy holiday there, Mrs. Talbot...

Don't use that political language shit with me.

lt's Christmas. Wish me merry Christmas.

l'm sorry. Merry Christmas, Mrs. Talbot.

Thank you, and go fuck yourself.

What a fuckin' whore!

What a pleasant lady.

Move, bitch!

Get outta the way!

Suck it!

Ho ho ho, Merry Christmas!

l got you two a little something to show my appreciation

for how hard you two work here.

- Thank you so very much, Mr. Green. - This is for you, this is for you.

You're so very welcome. Open it up.

Open it, open it, open it!

- Thank you so much for the snow globe. - Ta da.

- That's okay. - Wisconsin?

Yes, and Wisconsin's beautiful rolling farmlands, see?

l know how much of a kick you got

out of the Delaware globe l got you last year, so...

And what did you get?

A clock. Thank you.

lt's not just a clock. This is a Games lllustrated Clock.

You can tell the time in all the 25 time zones.

Look, in Mexico City,

you got Frankfurt, you got New Delhi,

Hartford... a place called Rik-a-vikia.

l don't know where that is, but you can tell the time there.

That's wonderful and great. Thanks so much, Mr. Green.

Go ahead, get outta here. lt's Christmas Eve. Stop working. Go.

- Here, l got it. - Thank you.

- Bye-bye. - Hey Mac, is this yours?

Mark my words, Nicholas, you will never get me.

Thank you, Mr. Green.

- Do you want a lift home? - Sure.

You've got it tuned to the Great One!

99 FM... so lock it in and jerk your knob off!

Hell's best hip-hop station.

99 FM's Christmas Eve forecast calls for cold, cold, cold temperatures,

so throw another Yule log on the fire.

Near freezing in Hell and pretty much the same can be expected

for those of you planning on rocking out with Hell's Bells...

You don't care too much for Christmas, do you?

- l've never had much reason to. - Why?

l don't know. lt's always disappointing.

Like l'd want an Optimus Prime or Castle Grayskull,

and l'd always end up with a stupid mini-bake oven or something.

Grandpa.

Grandpa, are you home?

Grandpa?

Grandpa, is that you?

- Agh! - Whoa!

Doggone it, Nick!

That's the second box of bulbs l've dropped tonight.

What in the hell are you doing? Why didn't you answer me?

Don't be throwing the word "hell" around all willy nilly like that.

l live in Hell, for Christ's sake.

True.

That's way you dare not use the Lord's name so indiscriminately.

One of the lights in the bunker went out.

l flipped the switch. You know, l couldn't remember

whether it was on or off position.

And so l had to turn the power off just to change the light bulb.

Bunker? What are you talking about?

Aw, are you kidding me?

You're not on another one of your wacko inventing binges, are you?

ls this why l haven't seen you for the last couple of days?

Yeah, l've been busy.

Hey, what's this?

Uh, be careful there. That's a nutcracker.

l can see that. lt just seems a little Christmassy for you.

Do you know that the chestnut can explode if you don't puncture the skin

- Before it's heated? - That's fascinating, Grandpa.

l told you to be careful!

You could have put your eye out!

There appears to be a design flaw that needs to be worked out.

File that next to brown-colored toilet paper as a bad idea.

Now what about that bunker?

Watch your noodle there.

Um...

Grandpa, l-l...

Any desire to explain?

l mean, sometimes l think l'm the only person in this town

that doesn't believe you're completely nuts and...

uh, frankly,

my belief is dwindling.

Let them think whatever they want to.

This is about survival. l know what they say.

l've been hearing it most of my life,

but l'd rather be crazy and alive than ignorant and dead.

What up, Santa bitch?

How much Christmas cheer you got in the pot?

Grandpa, l used to think it was because you were grumpy and a little senile,