Romantically Challenged

Okay, i'll get out For you, shawn.

You finally sell your first novel...

Mm-hmm. You can afford to move out of my guest room--the whole deal.

But if you do,

Your mother grows a small but scaly lizard tail.

Okay, let me ask you this--

Uh, can she hide it in her pants?

If she doesn't mind the discomfort.

Yeah, sorry, mom.

You're gonna have to take one for the team. Yeah.

oh, good. My sister's not here yet.

Calm down. What's going on? Big... News... Situation!

Hey, shh. What is it, lassie? Is timmy trapped in the well?

Just look at this! I got it out of rebecca's mailbox.

Rebecca's ex-husband is getting married already?

It's only been, like, five months. This is gonna kill her.

I can't believe he had the nerve to invite her to his wedding.

I mean, for as long as we draw breath,

She shall never know about this. Do you hear me? I do.

Do you hear me? Yeah.

Never, ever tell rebecca. Never, ever tell me what?

Oh. Um, uh, we didn't want to--this is not--

Uh, there... May... Not be a god.

So church camp was for nothing?

Apparently.

So what is it you can't tell me?

No, no, no. That--that was it.

The waiter came over, and, uh, he was an atheist, and, uh,

It turns out he had some pretty convincing arguments.

Perry, what are you hiding behind your back?

Anywho, your hair is so beautiful.

Oh, what? Why are you even... I was...

shoot. Oh, I-I thought you were talking to me.

You must be talking to this guy.

I'm sorry.

Wow.

Steven's getting married?

Oh, and you guys thought I'd be upset about this, huh?

I mean, why, you know?

I'm not with him anymore. You know, we're divorced.

He lives in seattle, where it rains all of the time.

Oh, my god. This is so unfair.

He went out and met someone,

And all I do every day is-- is work and be a mom.

I think that this just means you have to go out there, too.

No. I can't. I have to work and be a mom.

Besides, even if I wanted to,

How am I supposed to meet someone? Well, maybe just stay here,

'cause that guy over there keeps smiling at you.

what a pervert.

Bet you he's touching himself under the table right now.

Because of me?

I'm really not ready.

Yes, you are ready. I mean, this is exactly what you need.

Right, guys? Shawn? Uh, yeah, absolutely. Guess it couldn't hurt

To take your old, dusty thing out of storage.

Go for it. W--you want me to go over there and ask him out?

No, no, no. Just smile at him.

I can't. Just smile.

Okay. Now what?

Oh, my god. Oh, my god.

He's coming over here. He's coming over here.

What--should-- should I say "hello"

Or do you think "hi" is better? I think those are both witty.

Hi. I'm doug.

Hello.

Hi.

Hola.

♪

Captioned by closed captioning services, inc.

I still can't believe rebecca's actually going on a date.

I still can't believe I came to a cooking class.

Uh, you want to remind me why I'm here again?

'cause you're my best friend and you value my companionship,

And I'm the only thing between you and a homeless shelter. Ah.

Well, it's gonna be awesome.

We're gonna learn how to make frushi.

What the hell is frushi? Fruit sushi.

All right, to make coconut frushi...

Coconut frushi!

You use a quarter cup of agave nectar, a dash of salt...

Do they even make agave nectar or did she just make that up?

Okay, I'm trying to listen here. Oh. Sorry.

perry, there's one person in this room I would do sober,

And she just flirted with you. Really? That's what that was? Okay, I-I didn't even know.

Go talk to her. What does she look like?

Does she look like the kind of girl

I'd like to spend the next 40 years of my life with,

Who'd want to have six kids and two pugs

And let me snuggle with her and give her foot rubs

While we watch anderson cooper all night?

I-I don't know. I was just kinda looking at her rack. Oh.

Hi. I'm sorry about that.

Uh, they--there actually is such a thing as agave nectar.

Yeah. They sell it at most fine grocery stores...

in the land of agave.

♪ I just made a date with frushi girl ♪

♪ uhh! I just made a date with frushi girl, say it! ♪

♪ he just made a date with frushi girl ♪

What's going on? I just made a date with frushi girl.

Right on. Dude, this girl's the real thing. I just spent

An hour on the phone with her, half of which was me saying,

"you hang up," and then her going, "you hang up,"

Then me going, "you hang up." neither of us wanted to hang up. Yeah.

uh, yeah. Come in.

Hi.

Hey. Bec. What's up, justin? Hey, mr. Gill, shawn.

How come you never call me "mister"?

I guess I just don't think of you as a grown-up. all right!

Guess what.

What? We both have dates on the same night.

That hasn't happened since senior prom.

I just hope this one doesn't end

With you holding my hair while I vomit.

I miss your ponytail.

This is still a good time, right, shawn?

you told me last week you'd help justin with his homework.

Oh. I kinda thought we were both joking.

Please, shawn.

He's not doing well in creative writing,

And you're a "writer."

Uh, "thanks." I. Um...

I... (groans)

Okay. Yeah. Okay.

Come on, justin. Sit down.

Uh, you ready for some learnin'?

Can't I just play "call of duty"?

Justin, shawn is helping you out of the goodness of his heart. Oh. Really?

I kind of assumed there'd be a small fee.

No?

Heart.

Okay, I will be back in an hour.

Love you. Love you.

Justin, the comma is

An incredibly versatile instrument--

I'm gonna make this quick.

Hand in one of my stories. Okay.

wow.

Oh... My... God.

You are like all three of my favorite disney princesses

Rolled into one.

I don't know if I'm ready. You are ready. You are ready.

You are a strong, confident woman,

And you've been hiding that light under your blanket

For far too long, girl. Now let it shine. Why you don't have a daytime talk show for women,

I'll never know.

I just wanna give you something.

Own the night.

Look, rebecca, if you're really that nervous,

I'm happy to take you upstairs and relax you sexually.

I mean, I'll be quick.

So I've heard.

You're gonna be great, sis.

You think? I don't know.

I haven't been on a date since I was practically justin's age. Oh. Yeah, about that--

You're not gonna tell him you have a kid, right? Of course I am.

she's not gonna deny the existence of her child. That's right.

She's just gonna tell him he's 7.

What? 7's a cuter age.

Yeah, plus saying you have a 15 year old

Kinda makes you sound a little, uh, you know...

how come you never visit?

Oh, my god. You're right. Yeah.

Okay. Uh, what else shouldn't I tell him?

Oh, uh, maybe the fact that you were divorced five months ago. What's wrong with that?

He might think you're a little wounded, damaged

And on the rebound. Yeah, my three favorite princesses.

Okay, well, I can just talk to him about work.

mm, one tiny problem--

When talking to a high-powered female lawyer,

Some men's units tend to shrivel up.

Let's go.

Okay, well, so--so what am I supposed to talk to him about?

Well, don't overthink it. Just be yourself. You're gonna do great, kid.

Okay, have fun, ya nut. (chuckles) oh.

Do you need to be relaxed?

Whew! That's-- uh, well, I've never met

Anyone else who's seen every episode of "iron chef."

What can I say? I have a full life. let's just keep it going.

What else do we have in common? Uh, do you like dogs or cats? I actually prefer bunnies.

Me, too. It was a trick question.

It was a trick question.

I had such an amazing time tonight.

I'm so glad you said that. I-I--dinner was amazing.

And did you notice there were no awkward pauses between us?

I-I feel very comfortable around you. Me, too.

Now tell me I'm a bad girl and spank me.

Oh. I'm sorry. What's that?

Oh. Tell me I'm a bad girl and spank me.

Uh, buddy, you should probably put a sock on the door

If you're gonna be, uh...

Marika wanted me to do, like, nasty things to her,

Like, you know, like, uh, do the spanking

And the calling of the bad names... Whoa.

And I don't even know where to begin with stuff like that.

I asked her if I could just swat her a little, you know,

And say nice things, but in a bad voice, like...

"yeah, take that,

You beautiful angel that makes me laugh." wow. That didn't work?

no. No?