Keeping the Faith

The evening fell just like a star Left a trail behind

You spit as you slammed out the door

If this is love we're crazy We fight like cats and dogs

But I just know there's got to be more

Please call me, baby Wherever you are

It's too cold to be out walking in the streets

We do crazy things when we're wounded

Everyone's a bit insane

I don't want you catching your death of cold

Out walking in the rain

I admit that I ain't no angel I admit that I ain't no saint

I'm selfish and I'm cruel But you're blind

If I exorcise my devils Well, my angels may leave too

When they leave they're so hard to find

Please call me, baby Wherever you are

It's too cold to be out walking in the streets

We do crazy things when we're wounded

Everyone's a bit insane

I don't want you catching your death of cold

Out walking in the rain

Answer me honestly.

If I was to tell you that I love you and that I'd throw it all away

to be with you, what would you say?

Goodnight, Paulie.

Yup. Yup, that's about par for the evening.

But what I wanna see Is the way things used to be

Between you and me The way things used to be...

Let me guess.

Your old lady got fed up 'cause you're chasing skirt,

so she took these little ones and left you.

It's a little more complicated than that.

It always is. Everybody thinks their story has a twist.

But in my experience...

- Holy shit. - Exactly.

This I've got to hear.

It's a long story, and I know you're very busy...

- I don't really feel like... - Wait, wait. No, no, please.

Okay, now tell me, Father, how long has it been since your last drink?

It's been about a minute and a half since my last drink.

Now, what about these kids?

Okay. Well, you see the one on the right?

The cute one? That's me.

- Very cute. - Brian Finn.

Paulie Chopra.

This kid on the left was my best friend, Jake.

- He's a priest, too? - Jake? No. In fact, he's a rabbi.

C'mon. A priest and a rabbi? I've heard this one.

I've heard all of those. Trust me, you have not heard this one.

Okay? So there's this priest and this rabbi, and they're best friends.

But before they were a priest and a rabbi,

they both knew this girl.

The girl.

- Who's the girl? - That's Anna Reilly.

Reilly? Let me guess, she became a nun?

Not quite. Not quite...

We all met in 6th grade at PS 84, right here in Manhattan.

I think I already knew Jake, then we both met Anna.

Actually, I remember exactly how we met, 'cause...

Well, it was a defining moment.

After that, we were pretty much inseparable.

Jake and I were what you'd call "late bloomers,"

and a 7th grade girl's attentions can be fickle, but not Anna.

Her loyalty to us was constant.

Anna was the friend every 13-year-old boy dreams of.

That magical cross between Jonny Quest

and Tatum O'Neal in Foxes.

We were some trio. Anna called us "Two Micks and a Yid."

She was gonna make T-shirts.

There's 8 million people in New York, but when we were together,

it felt like we lived on our own island.

But New York is an island.

I'm trying to sprinkle a little fairy dust here, to tell a story!

I'm terribly sorry. Continue. Go on, sprinkle away.

Well, then disaster struck.

The summer after 8th grade, Anna's father got a job in California,

and just like that, she was gone.

As for me and Jake, our friendship just got stronger.

We were like most kids in New York,

but there was one unusual component:

We were fascinated with each other's religions.

He showed me the secret rituals of Judaism,

and I revealed the Catholic mysteries.

Just remember: Spectacles, testicles, watch, wallet.

What makes two kids want to be a priest and a rabbi nowadays?

People don't talk much about a calling anymore,

but I knew it was what I was supposed to do.

Even then, people felt good bringing their problems to me.

My parents had given up on children before me,

so my mother called me her "gift from God."

That stuck with me, so at eight I told her I felt I had to return the favor.

She was so happy, she cried.

My dad just wanted to know if working for God came with dental.

Jake's sense of a calling didn't gel as early as mine.

Religion was more of a hobby for him.

Got it, got it,

need it, need it, got it, got it, need it, got it.

Jake was one of those special kids. Smart, popular.

Everything came easy to him. He had an aura.

You took one look at him, and you knew he could do anything in life.

Jake's family had been in investment banking for three generations.

His father and brother Ethan wanted him to join the family firm.

I think he considered it,

but he wanted to do something different with his life.

He made his decision to become a rabbi with confidence and resolve.

I don't wanna listen to you!

We went off to seminary the way other guys go off to the Peace Corps.

It was an adventure.

Newly ordained, we were both assigned back to New York City,

where we quickly confronted the practical aspects of our jobs.

Jesus!

Despite these setbacks, we found our groove.

Take it nice and easy. Win them over slowly, okay?

Shabbat shalom, everyone!

I want you to do me a favor.

I want everybody in the back to come and fill up the front rows.

Guys, come on! Let's try again. Shabbat shalom!

- Shabbat shalom! - Thank you, Mom.

Ma'am, you in the back, come on! God hates a solo artist, I promise you.

We're the Fugees, no Lauryn Hills.

My mom was the only person here at the level of shabbat shalom-iness

that I think we can hit.

Sir, you're leaving. It's customary to sneak out after the communion.

Give me something I can work with! Shabbat shalom!

- Shabbat shalom! - All right! Now we can daven!

I don't want to brag, but word got out there was a new act in town,

and soon we played to the packed houses I knew were our destiny.

I know. I know!

Seriously, what is the story of Sodom and Gomorrah really about?

- Anyone? Steve Posner. - Sexual perversion.

Sexual perversion. Steve Posner's watching too much Spice Channel.

The Seven Deadly Sins. Who can name the Seven Deadly Sins?

People! It was a film with Brad Pitt. You have the ultimate Cliff Note!

And Lot takes them in and he protects them. What happens next?

Anybody? Greta Mussbaum, before she pulls her rotator cuff.

- God spares Lot and his family. - Bingo! Two-week cruise for Greta!

You're going to the Bahamas!

When you think about it, God is a lot like Blanche Du Bois.

He's always relied on the kindness of strangers.

That's what the story's about, us taking care of each other.

God relies on us to take care of each other.

The truth is, I don't really learn about your faith by asking such questions.

Those aren't questions about faith, they're about religion.

It's important to understand the difference between them,

because faith is not about having the right answers.

Faith is a feeling, faith is a hunch.

It's a hunch that there is something bigger, connecting it all.

Connecting us all together.

And that feeling, that hunch, is God.

Coming here on Sunday evening to connect with that feeling,

that is an act of faith.

So all I have to do is look around the room, at this packed church,

to know that we're doing pretty well as a community.

Even if all of you failed my pop quiz miserably.

Let us pray.

Jake and I wanted to kick the dust off our faiths.

Bring them up to speed, no more old routines.

Jake said, "We'll give them an Old World God with a New Age spin."

Feel the prana!

We decided to turn an abandoned disco

into a joint Catholic-Jewish senior center/karaoke lounge.

A Fiddler on the Roof meets Lord of the Dance

meets Buena Vista Social Club.

Not an easy idea to sell, but we wanted to push the envelope.

We would bring our religions into the 21st century.

We were gonna shove them a little, if we had to.

Jake said we'd be like young cops shaking up the force.

You know. The God Squad.

Well, it's just like the ocean under the moon

Well, that's the same as the emotion that I get from you

You got the kind of loving that can be so smooth, yeah

Give me your heart, make it real Or else forget about it

I'll ring it.

Nice.

Ben Lewis comes into my office this morning, tells me he's retiring.

- Rabbi Lewis? - Yeah.

- The end of an era. - I know!

That's exciting. How long until they give it over to you officially?

There are a few backward thinkers on that board who don't get what I do.

Plus, there's the fact that I'm single.

- Single? - Don't think that's not an issue.

Wait a minute. Are you serious?

If you don't find a nice Jewish girl soon, you won't get the job?

I'm telling you, B'Nai Ezra hasn't had a bachelor head rabbi

since the beginning of the synagogue.

I mean, you better start getting out there more.

It's embarrassing.

Forget that. You want to meet somebody, right?

I just want to meet somebody in a spontaneous and casual manner.

- And it's impossible with me. - Why?

- Because I'm a rabbi! - Yes, yes. What's your point?

I don't know if a woman goes out with me for me,

or because I'm Rabbi Jake, you know?

There's an expectation, I can't go with my impulses...

Jews want rabbis to be the kind of Jews they don't have the time to be.

And Catholics want priests to have the discipline they don't have.

- We knew this. - You're right.

Oh, no, man, check this out. God Squad in the house!

- Hi, Shabazz. - You gonna give it up, Rabbi?

Say your prayers, because I am in no mood today.

Watch your ass, Shabazz!