Goodbye June

And on this cold and frosty morning,

we are all officially on countdown, with 16 shopping days left till Christmas.

- Have you been naughty or nice? -

Here's one of my old favorites to get us in the mood.

["What Am I Gonna Do This Christmas?" by Frankie Laine playing]

- -

Mum?

Mum!

Mum? Shit. Mum?

Mum? Fuck.

Dad!

Hello? Mum?

- Where do I go? - I don't know. Over here, innit?

I'm just gonna go down the one-way system.

- You're going... - I know. I'm parking.

It's all right, Mum. We've got your stuff. We've got your bag.

Wait, where are my goggles?

You'll have to borrow some if you didn't put them in. I did get you new ones.

Aw, Mum!

- Don't blame me. -

Well, no, you didn't!

Well, yes, I did.

- They were on the hall table. - How did you not see, Ella?

- Shut up! - Hold on. Ella, help your brother.

- Hi, Suze. Sorry. Okay, couple of things. - My wife's tired. And having a baby.

- You got any room? - For God's sake, Alfie.

- Yeah. - It's... Ahem.

- "Hello, sir. My wife is having a baby." - That's fine. Absolutely fine.

- As long as you get bonuses out... - "Is there a chance you have room?"

Not "My wife's tired and having a baby."

- "Got any room?" - That's the same thing!

- You just said the same thing twice! - No, I didn't.

For God's sake, just get it right this time.

- "...us all at Healthful Harvest." - You'll be so embarrassing!

Actually, I'm gonna have to go.

- Ella, he is not going to be embarrassing. - Yes, he is.

Alfie, you are doing brilliantly, darling. Brilliantly.

- Isn't he doing brilliantly, Ben? - Yeah!

No way I'm coming to your Nativity.

- Don't be mean. - Somebody respects me.

- Ooh! Some lovely bread. - My keys...

- Seen keys... - Thanks, Mum.

- Hey, Syd. - Mm-hmm?

- What d'you think of my earrings? - Yeah, I love them.

- Did you show Mum? - Mum?

- Mm? - What d'you think of my earrings?

Gorgeous! They might be a bit dangly for rugby though, darling.

So just take them off before PE? Good boy.

- Okay. - Right, um, I'm off.

I'll, uh, see you about five-ish.

- Bye-bye! - Jerry?

Where's the yogurt that was on the list?

- I don't think that was on the list. - It was on the list. Sheep's yogurt.

How do you always just forget one thing? It's just really hard on me.

Just cross them off as you go. You never cross them off as you go.

I'll get some on the way back later. Yeah. That's locked in. Goat's yog.

- Sheep's! - Sheep's. Sheep's.

- Okay, you guys, have a good day. - Bye, Mum.

- Good luck with rehearsal, darling. - Ella, I need my script.

- Say please. - Oh, give it to him. There you go.

- Mum, I was gonna give it to him! - And the bag.

- Please don't forget my piano lesson. - I won't.

No, I haven't forgotten it, darling.

- You forgot last time! - But I haven't forgotten.

- Really embarrassing! You forgot. - Okay. Bye!

Okay, bye.

Mummy, finished!

Mum! Tibalt's pooing with the door open again.

- Have you really finished? - Yeah.

- Are you lying to me? Is it time... - No.

- Hi, Con. - Jules.

- A bit early for you. Is everything okay? - Yeah. Hey, listen.

- You've gotta come to the hospital. Mum ... - W... wait--

- She's going to surgery now. - What?

- Hello? - Oh, hi. Uh ...

Um, sorry, who is... Which...

- It's Syd. - Oh, right.

- Hello, Uncle Connor. - Hey, Syd.

Yeah, uh, listen, I need to talk to Mol.

- Um, your mum. - Okay.

Mum! Uncle Connor said he needs to speak to you.

There you go.

Hi. Uh, be quick. I'm... I'm busy.

Yeah, Mol, listen, um, uh...

Mum had a thing. She's ... she's back in hospital, and...

Uh, can you just come?

- -

- Mmm! -

Mmm. Yes. Yes!

And as you move through the birth canal,

releasing the energy of the womb

towards the warmth and the delightful rays of the sun,

let the sun beckon you and cleanse you.

I just...

If only I could've traveled places, Con.

You know, for my effing foot,

having all you kids, and...

I'd probably be better traveled than that what's his name.

Cute little gray-haired fella.

You know, Planet Organic geezer.

- David Attenborough? - Yeah.

I'd be like him, yeah.

I... I'm not saying having you kids wasn't worth it.

Course it... course it bloody was. Uh...

I'd just like to have...

You know, it's... it's fine though. Well...

Uh...

Yeah. I dunno.

You can travel for me, Con.

Yeah, I suppose I could, Dad. It's just, um...

It's just a bit stressful, actually.

Bali looks nice, doesn't it, Con? You should go to Bali, look. Look at that.

Last time I went anywhere for a proper holiday was about

five years ago.

Italy, Tobias's wedding. I mean,

me and Mum went to Germany to see that specialist Julia organized.

- Don't really count though, does it? - Oh, no, don't go saying that, Con.

Course it counts. You know, you... you got me that nice jerkin.

And all those lovely meats you brought back. Ooh!

- Meat? What meat? - Well... Fucking glockenspiel stuff.

It's called Knochenschinken.

- And what the hell is a jerkin? - What the...

Oh, don't be like that, Con.

You know, my jerkin,

my... jerkin, you...

Oh, well, that is a shame.

- I thought you liked my jerkin. - Stop saying jerkin.

- My jerkin, with three things for pens. - Oh God.

- Dad. - Little waterproof thing.

- Please, Dad. I just need a bit of... - Fucking pen...

- Only a fucking jerkin. Jerk... - Dad! Dad!

- Hi, babe. - Hi, kids.

No, it's just me and Benji in the car now. Um...

I'm just arriving at the hospital. Uh, Mum's gone back in.

Make sure that you get the yogurt. That's your one task.

- It was sheep's yogurt, wasn't it? - No, it's dog's yogurt, Jerry!

- Fuck me! Yes, it's sheep's. - Sheep's.

- I guess Molly will be there. - Probably.

- Oh God. Do you need me to fly back? - Oh, no. No, no, no. It's fine.

You've got work. I'm fine. I... I can cope, honestly. It's fine.

- Jerry? - Yogurt.

All I want is a cancer-free mother and some fucking sheep's yogurt.

You're making me just exhausted.

I could get us some cheeky After Eights?

Why are you asking me so many questions, Jerry?

- Please go now. - Okay. Love you.

All right. Come on, Tibby!

All right, my darling.

Ooh!

That's it. Move out the way.

- Ohh! - Thank you for helping, darling.

There we go.

All right, let's go and see Nanna. Come on.

Molly, hi.

Let's just keep moving.

Come on.

Mummy cross.

No, darling. Mummy's not cross.

How you doing, tinker?

Look! I've got something very special to show you.

- There we go. - A skill for later life, hey?

Ooh, what if you took...

- Hi. - Hey.

- You okay? - Yeah.

How's she doing? What happened?

Uh, they said they need to, uh, clear the airways.

She's in surgery right now.

Um... uh...

they're gonna update us when they... when they have anything.

- God, I can't bear it. - That was two hours ago.

Poor Mum.

What did Helen say? Did you manage to reach her?