How I Met Your Mother

Kids, the secret to dating is very simple:

Be confident, be comfortable in your skin,

be assured of who you are.

Uncle Barney was really good at that last one,

even though a lot of the time who he was was someone else.

Hi. Do you see that guy over there in the scuba suit?

You thinking of going and talking to him?

No.

Good. He's seriously the biggest jerk

on the face of the Earth.

How do you know him? Oh, he's one of my best friends.

So what's with the scuba suit?

Well, it's a long story.

See, he just went through a breakup...

There's two basic philosophies

of how to handle yourself after a breakup.

Some people throw themselves into...

My career. That's my number one focus right now.

From now on, no more dating.

It's all about work.

While others throw themselves into...

Every woman in New York City.

That's right, Barney Stinson is back on the market.

Mothers, lock up your daughters.

Daughters, lock up your MILSWANCAs.

MILSWANCAs? Wait, I can get this.

Mothers I'd Like To Sleep With And Never Call Again.

Correct! Cile gets the square.

Don't you think you're kinda rushg back into this?

Lily, since I started dating Robin, there's a certain

thing I haven't used as much as I would like to.

It's... kinda big,

surprisingly heavy,

kind of leathery, and it's black.

Huh?

This, my friends...

is The Playbook.

The Playbook contains

every scam, con, hustle,

hoodwink, gambit, flimflam,

stratagem and bamboozle I've ever used--

or ever hope to use-- to pick up chicks

and give them the business.

Wow, you wrote another book?

Uh... we got a... Stephen King over here.

It's all in here.

Everything from basic moves like "The Don't Drink That."

Whoa, don't drink that.

I saw some guy slip something in there.

What? Who?

Uh...

that guy.

Thank you.

To more advanced maneuvers like "The Mrs. Stinsfire."

Now Kappas, after our disciplinary hearing

for lewd behavior last semester,

we have been aigned a new housemom.

I'd like you to meet Mrs. Stinsfire.

Hello, girls!

Wow. I can't picture

a way that wouldn't work.

What's "The Loreo Von Matterhorn"?

I'm glad you asked.

"The Lorenzo Von Matterhorn" will be

my grand return to the stage.

Or you know, the bed.

Actually, my bed is kind of on a stage.

I put a platform underneath, and got some lights going.

It's a real production. Barney exits!

So, how about you, Robin?

You getting back out there?

Where is your playbook?

My playbook? Yeah.

Bro, uh, two-volume set, right here.

It's a great read actually.

Yeah, I'm reading it right now.

Anyway, I told you already, I'm taking a break from all that.

Mm, mm. Marshall, it's totally gonna happen.

So gonna happen. What's gonna happen?

You're gonna fall in love. So soon.

Not likely I'm focusing on my career.

I'm done with dating.

Oh, okay, we playing The Pyramid?

Okay, uh, "Things people say

right before they meet the love of their life."

Ooh! Kelly Harris,

girl I went to law school with said...

: Hey, law school'so hard,

I just want to focus on my studies.

Six months later?

Married!

We, that's all well and good...

Travis Frenchroy, backup bartender tells me...

: Oh, I'm so over the whole dating game.

I just want to focus on my Star Trek fan fiction.

Six months later...

Married!

May I respond? Mm-hmm

Well, that's all well and good for them...

Matthew Blitz, accountant at my office says...

: Oh, I'm gonna die single and alone.

I might as well just focus on this year's taxes.

Six months later?

Protest all you want, but it's gonna happen.

It's a law of nature.

Lawyered. Of nature.

Believe me, I'd love to have no interest in a relationship.

There's no way I'd be single right now

if I wanted to be single.

Okay, now you're ready. Ready for what?

Three years ago, this girl Shelly

started teaching at my school.

The moment I saw her, I was like,

"This is the girl for Ted."

Why am I just hearing about her now?

Ah...

You know, I usually hate being set up

but this Ted just sounds so great.

Oh, he is.

He's so sweet and thoughtful and intelligent.

Come on buddy!

One more chicken finger and the crown is yours!

Hmm, I don't see him anywhere.

He must be out doing charity work.

So, different bar?

: That girl with Lily's pretty cute!

Oh, yeah she was cute.

Yeah, still is. And now you're ready.

Yeah, bro, now you can fit like,

three times as many chicken fingers in your mouth.

You know it. Okay, I will set it up,

but promise me you won't do anything stupid.

I promise I won't do anything stupid.

And I kept that promise.

But only because...

she never showed up.

I know. I'm sorry, I feel terrible. You should feel teible!

I do feel terrible! I do! You should!

You should! You should! I do, I do!

I don't.

Look, I was really

looking forward to meeting Ted,

but I got to the bar an hour early

and I met this amazing guy.

Like, seriously amazing.

And you met him at MacLaren's?

Yeah, right at the bar. What's his name?

I shouldn't say.

Oh, what the heck.

It's Lorenzo Von Matterhorn!

You son of a bitch.

So, he hooked up with Shelly?

You must've been pissed.

Damn straight.

Barney, I've had Shelly set aside for Ted for three years.

Dude, Ted was not missing out.

She's brainy and annoying,

kind of boring in the sack.

Oh, I guess she would've been perfect for Ted.

Oops.

Ow! Ok.

Had I known that she was there to meet Ted,

of course I wouldn't have done it, but...

given the circumstances, I think Ted'll be proud of me.

I pulled off "The Lorenzo Von Matterhorn."

Okay, what's the Lorenzo Von Matterhorn?

My question exactly.

Okay, what's the Lorenzo Von Matterhorn?

Glad you asked.

To perform the Lorenzo Von Matterhorn,

here's what you'll need:

Basic knowledge of Web site design

and a very unique fake name.

So, think of your fake name right now.

Have you got it? Good.

Now, select your target.

Preferably a girl with a real ni...

phone.

Yeah, it's me.

Do I know you?

I'm Lorenzo Von Matterhorn.

Are you, like, famous or something?

Yes.

What a refreshing change of pace.

Nice to meet you...

Shelly. Shelly.

Once again, I'm Lorenzo Von Matterhorn.

Spelled like it sounds two "T"s.

Lorenzo Von Matterhorn.

Ciao.

Then, as soon as you're gone,

she gets out her phone

and does an Internet search for Lorenzo Von Matterhorn.

And that's when she discovers.

a series of fake Web sites,

all devoted to the incredible life

of Lorenzo Von Matterhorn.

There's the fake business article

about Lorenzo, the reclusive billionaire.

The fake Explorers Club newsletter