Workaholics

Movie night, baby. I love it.

Yeah, what are you sitting in? I'm not mad at it.

- You can't be mad at this. - No.

The real question here

is how not mad are you at this beer mug?

Oh, very unmad. It's a lot of fun.

- Thank you. - Okay.

Let's kick things off here with a foot job comp.

- All right. - Okay. Let's do it.

Hmm.

You know, not my porno.

Why don't we go bottom right, right there?

That butt-that butt's just winking at me.

Mmm, nope.

- Not my porno. - She's cute.

A little Amy Schumer looking.

No. He's rushing. Not my porno.

Pace yourself, bud.

- Geez. - You know?

Hey! How are you?

Howdy.

Can't see through the sheet, can they?

No. I wouldn't think so. No.

I mean what are we doing?

- What happened to porno? - That's what I was thinking.

I feel like it's lost all of its nuance.

That's right. Now, it's just...

It's like a jackhammer just plugging away at a Realdoll,

which I've actually seen that video before,

- and I liked it more than this. - Yeah.

I'm sorry, I like my porn stars with acting chops.

Yes, they should also have very expressive eyes

- while they're kind of... - Honestly, I miss Dan Yella.

- I mean what a porn star. - Yeah, absolutely.

Dare I say starred in the greatest porno

of all time,

"The Nutting Professor."

Oh, you're dating yourself.

I am. I am a little bit.

And Dan Yella, what a performance.

Are you kidding me? Seven different roles.

Remember the aunt in the fat suit?

"Oh, jerk it, please!

- Jerk it, please!" - Yes. Thank you.

Oh, the roll around the dinner table.

And what a body.

I didn't mind all the pubes.

I mean they were everywhere. I didn't care.

I mean there's literally no other man

- I'd rather watch do sex. - Yeah.

You know what?

To Mr. Dan Yella, our porno daddy.

- To Dan Yella. - Mr. Dan Yella.

Well, after scouring the Internet,

I couldn't find "The Nutting Professor,"

and I checked Brazzers,

Bangbros, Mofos, Rancho , PornHub,

- and YouPorn. - I know.

And I tried PornTube, Fapdu, Youjizz, Jizzpros.

I even tried Sublime Directory.

Did you just say "Sublime Directory"?

- Uh, yes, I did. - Found it! Yup.

And it wasn't on xHamster, 8th St. Latinas,

Captain Stabbin, or Mike in Brazil.

I love Mike in Brazil,

'cause he was in an apartment, and then he went to Brazil.

This is a cool way to see Brazil.

See the world, really.

- Guess where I did find it, though. - Where?

EBay. Yeah.

Two VHS copies,

and I'm currently the highest bidder.

That is awesome.

Yeah. Get on over here, dude.

Check it out. So I've just been in this bidding war

with "MR.NULEAF," and there's, well,

there's 30 seconds left, so...

- I just thought of something cool. - What?

What if we make a pact to,

like, not crank down until we get the movie?

Yeah, okay. That sounds like a good...

Bad idea. That's, like, not cool, right?

You know, I... and that's where I disagree with you, Anders.

I think it's necessary

because we must show respect for Dan Yella, right?

I don't know. I don't know.

- You're acting a little weird. - I'm not being weird.

Five seconds. Five seconds.

Four, three, two. Hit it. Hit it.

- That was too early. - You gotta...

- - I won! Yeah! We won! We won!

Congratulations. Good stuff, babe.

- So we won't crank down? - Yeah.

- No cranking down. - Okay.

That's official. That's fine.

I don't even know what to do since we can't jerk off.

I guess have some toast.

Man.

You guys ever notice DiDi got a real booty on her?

I've never noticed that.

No, I was waiting for that notification on my phone

about the package getting home.

When we get home, I call dibs on watching it first.

No, no, no, no, no. Let me get it.

Ders, what's going on?

Is something wrong?

Okay. I...

It was May 29, 2001.

I was on vaycay with my parents,

and we were staying in the same room,

so I couldn't stroke my dog.

Believe me, I tried.

One day, they went horseback riding

and dropped me off at a taping of VH1's "Storytellers."

Can you tell the story faster? 'Cause it's super boring.

No, no, no. Keep this pace.

Mm-mmm. That's my tempo.

Anyway, the artist was Natalie Imbruglia,

and she was singing her song, "Torn."

And then you ejacked in your little boy pants.

No. What are you... okay. Yes, I did.

But it was a whole bunch.

I fainted, and I had to go to the doctor.

So I've jacked off every day since,

and it's been three days, so I think I need first dibs, okay?

- Okay. - Great.

Yeah. That's fine.

- I care so little. - Yeah.

So you didn't even need to tell that stupid story.

He's right. That story really fizzled.

It was bad, and they always are.

That's the thing about your stories.

- And no offense... - Package is at the house.

Package is at the house. Let's go.

It's almost 5:00, right? We can go, right? Let's go.

- Let's go. - All right, yeah.

Now we're talking.

All right.

Whoo!

It's not here.

- Huh? - It's not here!

- What? - What are you talking about?

- Where is it? - Okay. Don't panic.

Probably had a neighbor signed for it.

Yeah. That's probably what it is.

No reason to panic.

- Hey. - Hello.

Dean, how's it going?

We're just wondering if you signed for a package for us?

- - No. I didn't for anything.

Packages probably got stolen.

I've had a bunch taken recently.

Honey, can you call the dogs?

Shake the treat box.

Shake the treat box! Sorry.

I'd say maybe try the neighborhood watch,

although they've been fairly useless recently.

Yeah. Hey, you know what?

We should start a vigilante group of our own

- to catch this guy. - God damn it!

Shake the treat box, Vicki!

No. I'm serious, man.

We could be, like, superheroes. We could wear costumes.

Ah, or we couldn't wear costumes

'cause it's a dumb idea, right, Ders?

Yup.

And that's why you're my best friend.

- That's why I love you, man. - Great.

I really do. Hey, Deano, what got stolen?

Dude, I ordered this awesome inflatable chair,

this cowboy boot-shaped mug.

You guys should come over sometime.

We can do beers, watch a Blues game.

Yeah. You know, maybe we will.

And thanks for the help today. Appreciate it.

- Well, good luck, guys. - Yeah, thanks.

You're a good guy.

Blues game.

Okay, yeah.

I stole some things from Dean.

We need to trap this guy who stole our package

and get our tape back so I can evacuate.

And that's why vigilante group is a great idea.

Check it out.

- Beat-Ass. - I don't like that.

- That's just Kick-Ass. - No.

Yeah. It's Kick-Ass, basically.

Adam, I heard you, since you had this conversation

on my front step.

I want my stuff back, buddy.

Scoot! Scoot!

- Go, go! - Scoot!

- Bye, Dean! - All right.

- So you're buried in the ground. - I am, yes.

Now, I'm gonna put this box over your head, right,

and I wrote "valuable electronics:

do not touch" on it.

When he takes the box...

- Spray him with the mace. - Yeah.

Meanwhile, Blake and I, we're gonna be over here in the 'Vo.