A Very British Scandal

Hussey. You're a wife and mother.

You're scum, you're scum.

Slut!

Ah, you'll be judged. Judged on Earth.

I saw the crowds.

How was the reception?

Rapturous, what do you want?

You've played a spirited game but we both know

you don't have the guts for this. Do we really?

Margaret, I want to give you one last chance

because I'm an honourable man.

I'll go in there, talk to my QC and this will all be over.

There'll be no need for you to be confronted with...

..the evidence.

Just nod your head.

Hadn't you better take your seat?

In the matter of Argyll versus Argyll

the court now calls Margaret, Duchess of Argyll.

I once saw you at the Cafe de Paris.

You were coming down the stairs all eyes were on you -

the famous Mrs Sweeney.

I won't be Mrs Sweeney for much longer.

Yes, I've heard that, you're divorcing him, desertion.

Man's a fool - if you were mine, I'd never let you out of my sight.

If you were mine.

Captain Ian Campbell. I know who you are.

What happened next?

I can't have just walked down the staircase.

Well, you descended the stairs and I was enchanted.

Utterly bewitched.

I said, "There's a girl I'm going to marry."

Who did you say that to? Janet, my wife.

I rather think it's why she divorced me, my first wife that is.

I wonder what reason your second will give.

Oh, she'll never divorce me, no matter how hard I try.

Well, you should try harder, put your...

..back into it.

You have a delicious little stammer.

It's never been called that before.

You keep a diary?

Doesn't everyone?

Do you know what I think?

You should put a thick line through all those boring appointments

and write, "off to Scotland with Captain Campbell."

Should I? You can join me while I take care of some family business.

I'll be a perfect gentleman.

In that case I'll stay at home.

Yvonne!

Margaret. Yvonne McPherson my wonderful assistant.

Woman's a bloody godsend.

Where are they? In the library.

I wouldn't come in if I were you.

Place is a play pit, cold as a morgue.

Take a look around the grounds and then we'll go for some dinner.

Let's see cousin Niall.

I've read so much about you.

Seen your photograph so often I feel I know you.

Do you?

Yvonne!

Christ I'm dreading this.

Hello, Niall.

Really quite incredibly hungry.

Well. We could sell an island or maybe some land.

Do it then, but not Tobermory - Tobermory's off limits,

it's sacrosanct. Sell Tyree or some of the other land.

It still wouldn't be enough to cover the cost of essential work

needed to the castle.

We can't even start repairs while the Duke is still alive.

As he's so fiercely against anything he perceives as intrusion.

Well, he believes in fairies, perhaps it would help

if you wore little wings and carried a wand.

You said you would consider an income from the estate for me.

We discussed it and we agreed.

You're princes among men, how much?

£1,500 a year for the term of your life.

£1,500?

I'd earn more selling my arsehole on the Glasgow docks.

Well, if you don't want it. Jesus wept, fine.

I don't have a choice, do I?

When do I get it?

When you inherit the Duchy of Argyll.

Give all those pieces of paper to Mrs McPherson,

I don't have time for them.

I'm done.

What does this mean?

Forget not.

It's beautiful.

You didn't tell me it was so beautiful.

It's a pile.

Just needs love and attention.

She's just neglected.

Margaret, it's so good to see you.

You don't have to be here.

We don't have to sign it together. I made mistakes.

It's not too late. Charlie.

It is.

We'll always be friends.

Always.

Write to the children.

It's important that they know you love them.

You can never tell a child it's loved too much.

Bye, darling.

Charlie cried like a baby.

Poor thing.

He cried and he cried.

He said he could never love anyone the way he loved me.

We don't have to go you know, we could just go for

a girl's dinner somewhere.

Course we have to go.

Imagine the talk if I don't turn up.

There's already been talk.

Your jaunt the Highlands with rugged Captain Campbell,

that's curdling some milk.

Is it?

What do you know about him?

Terrible time with those bloody Nazis.

Locked up in one of their horrendous prisoner of war camps.

Men being operated on with no anaesthetic

to see how long they last, that sort of thing.

Christ, poor man.

He never said anything about that.

Well, it's not very erotic, is it?

You're not going to fall backwards onto a chaise longue

with tails of torture and starvation.

I don't know.

Cheers, darling. Come on, tell all.

There's nothing to tell. It's me.

I know it's you, there's nothing to tell.

Because he's married.

There are stories about Captain Ian Campbell, you know.

Not war stories, women stories.

Diana, darling, there's stories about me.

I liked him. I liked his castle.

Keep your powder dry, it's not his castle yet.

Yet. Are they are out there? Of course they are.

How much do you want to bet Maureen gets her penis out?

Not a penny. Maureen always gets her penis out.

Oh...

This way please!

This way.

Congratulations on your divorce.

Now you can grace us with your beauty again.

How we've missed you.

Ah, hello. Hello.

Oh, everyone hand-picked by moi to cheer you up.

What a wonderful hostess you are, Maureen,

you really do think of everything.

Canapes and cock. Is there anything else?

Well, hopefully a dessert.

I know what's going to get this party started.

Here we go.

I think we need another one, don't we?

Who is going to be the lucky person?

Freddie, come on darling.

All right, then.

Come on, Freddie.

I thought of you the other day.

Mm?

I took little Sheridan to London Zoo.

I arranged for him to have a tour with one of the keepers.

Boy's obsessed with animals.

Hmm, I like them myself.

We went to the monkey house.

My dear, those chimps with their ghastly pink bottoms, just hideous.

They don't know that, do they?

They probably think they look charming.

There were these other monkeys, apes,

bonobos, quite fascinating.

Everything they do is about sex.

They meet a new bonobo, they have sex with them.

Sticking it in and out, dear, hello, how do you do?

In and out, tossing each other off, fingering each other,

in and out, in and out nonstop.

It's how they make friends and I thought,

that's Margaret.

In and out, in and out, Margaret is a bonobo.

It's not my fault that you don't like it, Maureen,

and that you're not good at it.

I do like it.

I like it very much and I'm extremely good at it.

That's not my fault.

Bonobo apes sound perfectly precious,

I shall have to make a handsome donation to their welfare.

Bonjour, ma capitaine. Bonjour.

Oh, you're back.

I am, and I got you a present.

Lovely new mink for my lovely old wife.

Magnificent, what a picture you look.

Look at us, what fun we're having.

It's too hot for mink.

Well, it's bloody freezing in Scotland.

La Traviata: Follie! Follie! Sempre Libera

La Traviata: Ah, Fors e Lui

Following the death of Niall Diarmid Campbell,

Captain Ian Douglas Campbell has been announced as

the 11th Duke of Argyll.

Captain Campbell is a distant cousin of the tenth Duke

and inherits Inveraray Castle, where he will now take up residency,

attaining salvage rights to the Duchy de Florencia in Tobermory Bay.

Yes. Go ahead caller.