The History of the World - Part I

20 million years ago, an ape-like creature inhabited the Earth.

And the ape stood, and became man.

The greatest calamity that could befall early man was the loss of fire.

Fire, the mysterious phenomenon that cooked his food,

heated his cave, and kept him alive.

If he could not start a fire, he and his would surely die.

Even in most primitive man, the need to create was part of his nature.

This need, this talent, clearly separated early man from animals

who would never know this gift.

And here, in a cave somewhere in the North American continent,

about two million years ago,

the first artist was born.

And, of course, with the birth of the artist,

came the inevitable afterbirth.

The critic.

In the year one million BC,

it is thought the first Homo sapien marriage occurred.

It was shortly followed by the first homosexual marriage.

One of the first weapons man invented was the spear.

In ancient times, man was ignorant as to the cause and nature of death.

So death was greeted with a certain degree of awe.

But because man did not have the time for complicated rituals,

funeral services were often brief.

Even in early man, the need to laugh was vital for emotional survival.

Music began long before it was formalized into notes and phrases.

For mankind, it began with an accident.

Gunga heard the sound and liked it.

Gunga begged Gowie to repeat the beautiful scream, but Gowie could not.

So Gunga thought and thought, and finally he found the answer.

And so, music was born.

Hallelujah! Hallelujah!

Hallelujah! Hallelujah!

Hallelujah!

Moses went to the mountain, and God spoke unto him.

Moses, this is the Lord, thy God,

commanding you to obey my law. Do you hear me?

Yes, I hear you. I hear you. A deaf man could hear you.

- What? - Nothing. Gornisht. Forget it.

O Lord, why have you chosen me? What would you have me do for you?

I shall give you my laws, and you shall take them unto the people.

Yes, Lord.

Wow.

Lord, I shall give these laws unto thy people.

Hear me, O hear me!

All pay heed.

The Lord, the Lord Jehovah, has given unto you these fifteen...

Ten! Ten commandments, for all to obey.

Rome! Vortex of modern civilization.

Rome! Fountainhead of culture.

Rome! Blazing pronouncement of mankind's most glorious achievements.

All right, now. Columns! Columns!

Columns! Columns! Get your columns here.

Ionic, Doric, Corinthian.

Put a few columns out in front, turn any hovel into a showplace.

Columns! Sir, don't touch the merchandise.

All right, now. Columns! Columns!

Haircut, shave, shampoo, bloodletting?

Sooth! Soothsaying! Get your sooth said right here.

I can tell the future.

You, sir! For a wee fee of two drachmas,

I can tell you your future.

Yes, yes, I see... I see...

I see that you are going on a long journey.

Yes.

You, sir, are going to Rome.

- But I am in Rome. - Do I lie?

Sooth, sooth! We give great sooth!

Chariots! Used chariots!

Low mileage. They're great.

I'm very excited about it. It's a new concept. It's called a centerfold.

Plumbing! Plumbing!

Plumbing here, plumbing. Yes, citizens, plumbing.

It's the latest invention to hit Rome.

It moves water from one place to another.

It's astounding. It's amazing.

Get on the bandwagon.

Pipe the shit right out of your house.

Plumbing! Plumbing here.

Plumbing! Brand new invention!

- Occupation? - Gladiator.

- Did you kill last week? - No.

- Did you try to kill last week? - Yeah.

This is your last week on insurance.

Either you kill next week, or we have to change your status.

- Yeah. - OK. Sign here.

Next. Occupation?

- Stand-up philosopher. - What?

Stand-up philosopher.

I coalesce the vapor of human experience into a viable and logical comprehension.

Oh. A bullshit artist.

Did you bullshit last week?

No.

Did you try to bullshit last week?

Yes.

Comicus! Comicus, Comicus!

- Back in the line. - He's not in line. He's my agent, Swiftus.

Good news. I just got you a job.

- Now you're working, you won't need this. - Wait! That's mine.

I'm sorry, I'm on my wine break.

Dopus! I only had the money in my hand.

Oh, I like that. I like that.

I go and bust my anus to get you a job and you're angry with me?

Boy, you are nuts. N-V-T-S, nuts.

- OK, OK. What kind of a job is it? - Just the best gig in all Rome.

A date every stand-up philosopher, including Socrates, would die for.

Believe it or not, you are gonna play Caesar's palace.

- The main room? - The main room!

Groovus!

- Come on, the show starts in an hour. - The main room!

The main room!

10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10...

20, 20, 20, 20...

30, 30, 30, 30, 30...

40, 40, 40, 40, 40... Do I hear 50?

- 50! - 50! Sold to the Venetian for 50 libra.

- Oh, no. No! No! - Come here, you.

The slave auction is over.

All right, take these rejects over to the Colosseum, sell 'em for lion bait.

- No! - Wait a minute! Wait! Wait a minute.

What is this with lions? I can't go to the lions.

I cannot go to the lions.

Oh, no. 'Cause I happen to know that the lions only eat Christians.

Christians. And I am a Jew.

Jewish person. Yes. I can prove it. Watch. Look out.

Everybody!

- No! Hold it. - Listen, I'm Jewish, I'm telling you.

Call the temple. Call the rabbi. Call Sammus Davis Jr.

Call Sammus. He'll vouch for me. He and I are tight. He knows...

Jewish, huh?

He missed. I jumped, and he missed. It was his first day on the job, he was nervous.

I got an appointment for Thursday. 11 o'clock, I go in, they give me a local, boom!

- Get him out of here. - You could make a lot of money with me.

Wait a minute, wait a minute. Money?

Come here.

- How? - I'm entertaining. I got special talents.

I'll show you. Look out. Sand. I gotta have a little sand.

- What? - Sand. You're standing on it.

Sand. Give him the sand. What the hell's the matter with you?

- Here. - Thank you.

Yes.

A little sand on the stage for the native shim-sham sand dance.

Look out. I'm gonna start.

Born to do it.

Hey, what country are you from?

Ethiopia.

What part?

125th Street.

I'm gonna sign him up.

The big turn.

And that's the Ethiopian shim-sham.

He's good. He's great.

What's wrong with you? He's good. That guy is good.

Hey, that kid is wonderful...

Holy shit!

Come on, get up. You're costing me money.

Please, stop it! Can't you see the poor thing's in pain?

Outta the way, or you'll get the same.

No, you mustn't...

Hey, hey, hey! What, are you crazy?

Oh! Whoa.

- Give it a little shot. Thanks. - Oh, thank you.

He was beating that poor exhausted horse.

Oh, gee.

Oh, he's not exhausted. Here's the problem.

See?

Come on, boy. You can get up. Come on, fella.

Wait a minute. I know this horse.

He used to be the fastest horse in the Circus Maximus.

His name is Miracle.

Miracle? Oh, what a beautiful name.

What's yours?

Miracle... Comicus.

- I'm a stand-up philosopher. - Oh. I'm Miriam. I'm a vestal virgin.

I'm really sorry to hear that.

- I work at the palace. - We're gonna be there.

- Really? - Look out!

Whack!

Wow.

Put it there, pal. Man, you saved my life.

Comicus, stand-up philosopher. Who are you?

I'm Josephus. I'm the main course at the Colosseum.

The main course... Say hello to some friends of mine. My agent, Swiftus Lazarus.

- You're good, man. - And this is Miriam. She's a vestal virgin.

- Hi. - Hi.

- Seize him! - Oh, seize this, honkus.

No, don't ever say that to the cops!

Seize him! Do you know the punishment for a slave who strikes a Roman citizen?

- I do! - OK. You. You had your hand up first.

- Death by torture. - No. You?

- Crucifixion. - Wrong. You?

They shove a living snake up your ass.

No, but that's very creative.

- You? - They send you to the lions.

- Right. - No!

What? He was right. They send you to the lions.

The empress! It's the empress!

Move that miserable piece of shit!

Halt!

Stop.

Could you please step on the same foot at the same time?