Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Thank you for joining me for what promises to be

the diggity-dopest tree lighting in the history of the nine-nine.

I don't understand. Where's the tree?

It was inside us all along. Brilliant, Jake.

No, Charles, not everything was inside of us all along.

The tree is right here.

Cool. Can we go now?

Obviously not. Behold,

the greatest inflatable tree that 'murica has to offer.

And now, in the immortal words of Saint Nick,

turn on the compressor.

You hear that? It's the sound of Christmas.

It's deafening.

It's getting really big.

What size tree did you get?

It's a jumbo.

It says it's ten meters tall.

That's... roughly 32.81 feet.

Someone unplug it, unplug it now.

We can't. It swallowed its own plug!

Everybody run!

Okay, the tree has been contained.

Wait, we left a man behind.

Jake!

Well, Terry's trapped in the break room forever.

Only thing we can do now is move on with our lives.

It's what Terry would've wanted.

Aah!

God bless us, every one?

Yeah!

Yeah!

Ah, the Boyles are here. Good tidings.

Genevieve, hello, you're looking...

sexy as a minx.

I was gonna say "festive," due to the scarf.

The bra underneath is insane.

- It is. - Okay.

Parenthood has not changed you two.

Hey there, Nikolaj, my man.

How you doing? Hi, Jake, we made daddy

Latvian Christmas cookies. Want one?

- You bet I do. - The potato really

brings out the vinegar. Neither of those

are cookie things. I'm just gonna put that back.

So, you excited for Christmas, bud?

- Yeah, I'm so excited. - This is Nikolaj's

first Christmas because the orphanage kept cancelling it.

Once it was blizzards, one it was fires, and once it was...

- famine. - That's right, famine.

- Oh. - Papa promised me

the best present ever: A captain Latvia action figure!

Whoa, captain Latvia? What's his superpower?

Can he talk to moose? No, possums.

- Worse. - It's a very difficult toy

to get in America, so I was worried

when Charles told Nikolaj he would get him one.

I said, keep it a surprise, so you don't build up

his expectations, but Charles said, "no way",

I want to build expectations." Well, we all remember

the conversation. Well, work time for daddy.

I'll see you guys later. Okay, I love you guys so much.

- Love you. - All right.

- Bye. - Christmas is gonna be amazing!

Christmas is gonna suck. I don't have the present.

What? But you promised Nikolaj.

I ordered it a month ago from a Latvian toy store,

and it still hasn't arrived yet.

The shipping company is giving me the runaround.

All right, so just get him a different present,

like a jet ski or... A hammer.

I don't know what kids are into.

Genevieve and I worked so hard

to get Nikolaj to trust us when we brought him home.

That's gonna be destroyed,

the way dry rot destroyed his orphanage.

- Trust me, it's gonna be fine. - Really?

'Cause you said that about "die hard 5," Jake.

Oh.

It's not gonna be fine.

Finally, let's talk about community outreach.

Does anyone have any ideas about...

Who are these golden-throated dorks?

- It's the MTA. - That's right.

The metropolitan transit authority.

I assumed you've climbed out of your rat tunnels

to taunt us about tonight's charity caroling competition.

No, no, no, of course not.

We're here to wish you luck, since every year we...

Enough. You may have bested us before,

but throttle back your ambitions.

Our voices are...

That was terrible.

I hope you're more prepared tonight,

or else we'll have to file a missing persons report.

First name: "Your."

Last name: "Dignity." - Mm.

Come on, crew, let's hit the rails and buses.

Both great ways to get around the city.

I hate that we lose to those

pasty-assed mole people every year.

Oh, there's no point in mincing your words.

They're knaves!

Captain, you kiss Kevin with that mouth?

You bet I do. And tonight,

I'm gonna sing with it.

We're taking down the MTA.

- Charles, what are you doing? - Jah-nakeh.

- What? - Jah-keh.

No idea what you're saying. Why aren't you wearing a jacket?

Oh, jacket, got it.

Aw, it's freezing. What are you doing out here?

I'm on the phone with Melvin's import-exports,

the bastards who lost my captain Latvia.

Now wrap me in your arms, I need body heat.

All right.

- And you're nestling. - Ugh, first those jerks said

they lost my package, then they said they found it,

then they had me on hold for three hours.

This is the only place I get reliable reception.

- I'm unwrapping for a sec. - No, why?

'Cause I need my fingers to save the day

like a fricking hero.

And... Boom. Melvin's import is in queens.

Let's just go there right now. Oh, so they could just

walk all over me in person instead of on the phone?

Face it, Jake, I'm weak. What? Don't talk like that.

You're very strong, all right? And you're a parent now,

which makes you even stronger.

I mean, think about all those moms

who literally lift buses off their kids every day.

Oh, so you're saying I should

tap into my mommy strength.

Yeah, or daddy strength, but whatever.

Right, time to put some daddy into my mommy.

Gotta be a better way to phrase that, let's go.

Okay, let's review our simple harmonies.

When I point at you, hit your note.

Okay. That was horrible.

Because I didn't get a chance to rap.

No, Hitchcock, there's no rapping.

You've grossly misread the situation.

Maybe we just need to practice more.

I, for one, felt like I was a teeny bit off.

Don't fool yourself, Santiago.

You were the most off of everyone.

That's enough. Sure, we're untrained.

Yes, our voices sound like garbage,

and, yes, the MTA has a huge head start on us,

and it's embarrassing.

But you know what?

We're the nine-nine.

And nothing can stand in our way.

She's right.

We're gonna beat their butts tonight.

Oh, tonight?

Tonight, tonight?

Yeah, I can't.

I have "Hamilton" tickets. Oh, well.

Good luck. Peace.

I'm out too.

I mean, if we're just gonna be humiliated, I don't s...

wait, shut up. Did you just tell

yourself to shut up? Yeah, now you shut up too.

- You hear that? - It's an angel

who will save us.

It's coming from the bullpen.

Who's singing?

Is it one of the uniformed officers?

No, it is not.

- Our angel's a criminal. - And our angel is drunk.

The angel puked.

- Hey, you Melvin? - I am, who are you?

I'm Charles, from being on hold, and I want my package.

Yeah, I already told you, that package isn't here.

Well, I made a sacred promise to my son, and you're not

gonna make a liar out of me, so why don't you take another look?

We'll wait. 'Cause we've got all...

Night... Long.

- Damn. - Oh, I don't know

if you knew this, but... I'm a cop.

So maybe this time, don't lie to me.

Hey, I didn't know you guys were police.

Well, now you do, genius.

- How do you keep doing that? - I don't know.

All right, all right, hold on. Look, there's a Latvian gang,

okay, the gals skepu. They smuggle guns

in containers that come from Latvia.

Sometimes there's other packages that get lost

in the process, okay? If you want to find yours,

you gotta find them. Gunrunning gangsters, huh?

Well, looks like we're gonna take down the Latvian mob.

Hell yeah, we are.

Is it bleeding?

- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. - Charles, is it bleeding?

- Thanks, Melvin. - I want a band-aid.

- Hey. - Hey.

I just talked to Crawford from organized crime.

Apparently, the gals skepu are major gun-runners

on the east coast. Their leader's got

an office in the back. Also, great chest hair.