30 Rock

Hey, jack.

Did you dye your hair? - No.

No.

So how was your new year's?

Wonderful. My dear friend,

The deep-sea explorer bob ballard,

Brought over a 2, 000-year-old amphora of wine

From a sunken phoenician trading vessel.

The wine turned out to be quite toxic.

My guests and I spent the stroke of midnight

In my garden... Vomiting.

- Oh, my god, sorry. - Don't be.

The whole night-- the purging, the new year,

The vivid hallucinations of astarte--

The phoenician goddess of sex and war--

It all wiped the slate clean.

So...Nancy donovan...

What happened before christmas was a mistake.

She hasn't contacted me since, so clearly she agrees it's over.

Well, that's healthy. A clean break.

Exactly. A clean break.

So what about you, lemon?

Is your 2010 off to a good start?

Well, I spent new year's eve with my family,

Which was actually very special.

My cousin randy,

This kid from this rural coal mining town,

Came out to us.

And I think old liz lemon had a little something

To do with that.

Randy's gay, everybody! He's gay.

I think everyone knew.

Finally!

Over the break, I forgot what floor I worked on.

Six, tracy.

i>- Six! I knew it was a character from blossom,

But I couldn't find the joey russo button.

Hold the door!

You guys, I had the most amazing new year's.

I met james franco's manager. It was like a fairy tale.

My client, james franco, he's actively looking

For a relationship with a human woman

To dispel certain unsavory rumors.

Are you available for a fake romance with a movie star?

Does chewing on a sponge trick your brain's hunger center?

Yes! Yes! A million times yes!

So this is some arranged hollywood relationship?

With james franco.

Can you believe they went to me

Before ayiiia from the real world: Cancun?

I think it's great.

The exposure will do wonders for you and tgs.

Lemon, I want you and jenna to have a meeting

With james franco and make sure his manager doesn't screw her.

Too late!

Wait, which way did you mean that?

I had a pretty amazing new year's too.

My wife and I are trying for a daughter,

And on new year's eve I think I got angie pregnant.

No, no, no, no.

Okay, but I was gonna describe it real good.

How was your new year's, sir?

Perfect.

Oh, my god!

As you know, on new year's,

I finally met my birth parents.

So...Thank you for asking about that!

- I called her, lemon. - What?

I called nancy on new year's eve at 3:42 a.M.

Damn that phoenician wine!

And you don't remember doing it?

The last thing I remember is going into a closet

And switching clothes with bob ballard.

Look, I don't think you actually spoke to her.

You hit pound after the number.

I think you left a message.

Cerie, get on her youface page.

Lemon, do you mind? - No.

One second. Okay.

Okay, her youface page says they're on vacation.

They're borrowing a friend's condo in florida.

Oh, what have I done?

The woman is on vacation with her husband as we speak,

Probably having beach sex, which is the third best sex

After elevator and white house.

Is there any chance that she hasn't heard it yet?

As a frequent leaver of drunken messages,

I can tell you no good can come of this.

As a frequent receiver of drunk messages,

They are not cute, even when they're from liz.

Da da da...

Good lord,

I've lemoned the situation with nancy!

I've got to erase that message.

"lemoned"? That's not a thing

People are saying now, is it?

Cerie?

lemoned.

Doing it awesome.

Here's the general idea, jenna.

You and I pretend that we met while filming a movie

Called space attack.

My title.

This movie will never be released

Because my performance will be deemed

"too provocative for america."

Oh, I wish I lived in France.

But out of this experience,

We found each other, et cetera, et cetera.

Five dates a week, one fight a month.

And because of a product placement deal with jamba juice,

The fight will be in a jamba juice.

I love jamba juice!

And this is the non-disclosure agreement

Regarding anything you two may learn about each other

During the course of the relationship.

Yeah, what exactly is mr. Franco covering up here?

i>- Liz, are you familiar with japanese moe relationships,

Where socially dysfunctional men develop

Deep emotional attachments to body pillows

With women painted on them?

I am not, james.

Neither am I, liz!

Which is why it's so weird

The tabloids are running all these stories

Saying I'm in love with a body pillow.

I mean, it's crazy!

Then why is that here?

Why?

I mean, why is this table here?

I mean, why is that lamp here?

Kimiko is--

It is here like any other object.

Objects are made by men and used for many purposes.

But we never love objects.

Where do I sign?

Hello?

Liz? It's randy randy lemon.

Oh, hey, randy. What's up?

Well, my parents and I are kind of fighting right now.

Because you spilled orange soda on the couch?

No, because of the gay thing.

So now I'm here in new york. Wait, you're in new york?

Yeah, I figured I'd come stay with my cool cousin liz.

Besides, what better place for me to be

Now that I'm a homo?

Is that the one we call ourselves?

Nope. Get a cab, okay? Go to my apartment.

168 riverside drive.

Okay. Uh, actually there's a guy here

Who offered to drive me if I helped him move a couch

Into a van.

Nope. That's a serial killer.

Just get a cab. I'll pay for it.

You have amish here?

Just get in the house, randy.

Kenneth, jonathan, I need one of you to help me

With a very special assignment.

I hope it's me.

But I'm honored just to be standing here with you.

I'm going to drive up to waltham, massachusetts,

Break into a woman's home,

And erase a potentially embarrassing and destructive

Answering machine message.

The home in questions has a doggy door.

That will be our way in...

Using these hangers.

Prove that you are lithe enough to accompany me to waltham.

It's kenneth!

You sicken me.

I did it!

Angie just called. She's pregnant.

- That's awesome. - Congratulations.

Yes. And it gets better. I just had a burrito!

Well, now you just have to hope that it's a girl.

I know it's a girl, liz lemon,

Because I yelled "susan b. Anthony"

At the moment of conception. Well, that'll do it.

We're gonna name her after the place

That she was conceived.

It was a pretty wild night.

So we gonna name her either virginia,

Netjet, or bathroom at teterboro airport.

Oh, liz, I'm in love.

You're really not.

James and I just had lunch at the spotted pig.

The paparazzi were everywhere.

The gossip blogs are calling us "james."

It's a combination of jenna and james.

Jenna, look, I'm glad that you're having fun,

But is this really all that you want?

I mean, you and I are not getting any younger.

You don't know that thing I sleep in isn't working.

Don't you want more than some fake boyfriend?

Don't you want to be happy?

Liz, I am happy.

All this attention, getting my picture taken,

Having ice-cold diarrhea from drinking too much jamba juice--

It's everything I ever wanted.

Sorry, sir.