American Dad!

¶ good morning, usa! ¶

¶ I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day ¶

¶ the sun in the sky has a smile on his face ¶

¶ and he's shining a salute to the american race ¶

¶ oh, boy, it's swell to say... ¶

¶ good morning, usa! ¶

Ah!

I have an announcement to make.

I'm taking a semester off.

Oh, what did you say?

I was listening to my spit-take instructional tape.

I'm taking a semester off from school.

I can't do it without the tape.

I hesitated.

I'm just, I'm thinking too much.

Hayley, what are you talking about?

I'm going to devote my time to the heifer project.

no daughter of mine is going into fatty porn!

The heifer project is a charity that provides livestock

To families in impoverished countries.

So what, you're going over to africa?

No, I'm going to start my own business

And give the heifer project the proceeds.

I know the perfect business for you to open up!

A dry cleaners!

There's a huge segment of the population

That is tired of having their clothes cleaned by koreans.

I am a part of that segment.

Actually, I already have a business idea--

Organic mulch.

Ugh, that's a terrible idea.

Hayley, listen to me.

I'm giving you good advice.

Take it. Dad, I'm 18,

I don't need your advice anymore.

Roger: I'll take your advice.

If it's love advice.

So, my man say he been workin' late, but then trina call me

And tell me she seen his ass in the club!

But then when I ask him about this nonsense,

He tell me he loves me.

How do I make him tell me the truth,

But keep our love million-dollar strong?

Smith, why so glum?

The "c" in cia doesn't stand for "crestfallen."

But what if it stood for "cat?"

Hmm.

So what's bothering you?

Hayley doesn't want my advice anymore.

Sir, I have terrible news!

I was just doing the end-of-the-year accounting.

We still have money left in our budget.

If we don't spend it by the end of the fiscal year,

They'll cut our budget for next year!

Damn it, robertson, speak to me in english.

We have to spend $50,000 by midnight!

Get me everyone.

Everyone? Everyone!

That's not really my job.

You're right, it's not your job.

Inform lorraine, have her send a mass e-mail.

Now, give me a hug.

You scared me.

(bullock hums a soothing tune)

We're okay.

Gentlemen, do whatever it takes to empty our coffers:

Lap dances, champagne dances, shower dances.

Oh, the things you can buy with a handful of bills.

It makes me excited, it gives me the chills!

There'll be filch-arounds, breeders, hambones and tweeners,

Zobos and debos and blorps that go eener.

For a one dollar bill you can pull down their zippers.

I am the snorax, I speak for the strippers!

Sir. Hmm?

Sir, this place is filled with women of ill-repute.

I'm a little uncomfortable.

Damn it, smith, you think I'm not?!

I'm terrified!

Give this man your finest trouser arouser.

And you, strangle me while I brush your hair.

I did it!

I got into space camp!

Seven days of awesomeness starts tomorrow.

Wow, I wanna go.

Sorry, "roget."

Space camp is a special privilege

For a select group.

You wouldn't fit in.

Wha-- but it's about space!

I'm from there!

Maybe, but you weren't invited.

Only a chosen few get to rub elbows with astronauts

And float weightless in billion-dollar simulators.

Maybe you should go to fat camp.

Damn!

Because you're taking up so much space right now.

Oh, damn!

Look, just forget it and go back to surgery or whatever.

But I want to go to space camp!

I'm done with surgery!

I already lost the patient.

Roger: You know, the thing about working in a hospital

Is if you don't have a funny black friend,

Things get pretty boring.

Vanilla bear!

Let's go grab a beer and see what carla

And the mean janitor are doing!

take whatever you want!

(rhythmic music playing, men whooping)

yeah!

Ho-ho!

Is everything okay?

Um, this isn't really my thing.

Maybe this is your thing.

Oh, god! Leg cramp!

Are you all right?

I'm still sexy!

I'm still sexy for you, baby!

Cramp, huh?

You need to get a banana in you.

Uh, I don't do that, sir.

No, you need to eat a banana.

You have a potassium deficiency.

Hey, shirley, banana daiquiri, please.

Wow, you listened to me.

Sure, you seem like you know a thing or two.

You're right.

I do know a thing or two.

I'm stan.

I'm tanqueray.

Tanqueray, let me break it down for you.

Exposing your body for money is wrong.

The only people who should see you naked are your mother,

Your doctor and your best friend in third grade.

Just that one time, under the waterfall.

Jeremy davis.

The point is, you could do so much more with your life.

You really think so?

Take my advice, you really can.

you were right!

I'm better! See?

Wish my daughter listened as well as you do.

If she could just see...

Hey, tanqueray, how would you like to operate

Your own dry cleaners?

I don't know. Yes? I don't know.

You know.

Come, take a drive with a stranger.

More, more!

Yeah, I so deserve this.

Do it!

(grunting with each impact)

Hayley, it's impolite to fiddle with trash.

It's not trash.

I'm collecting organic compounds for the mulch I'm developing.

Well, good for you.

You don't have to be such a bitch about it.

What a day.

I am pooped.

Stan, who's this?

Oh, right.

Everyone, this is tanqueray.

She's moving in!

I'm gonna make her a success.

Oh, we're wearing the same outfit.

Take a good look, sweetie.

This is how you wear that.

Yeah!

Nine years of gymnastics, bitch.

Roger, please show tanqueray to steve's room.

She'll sleep there while he's at space camp.

And get her out of those clothes.

And then rob her, kill her, cut off her head and hands

And bury her by the crick-- got it.

Actually, no, just get her changed.

Oh, we just avoided a funny misunderstanding.

I almost cut your hands off!

All right, come on, I'll race you upstairs.

Stan, what is going on?

Hayley had her chance to benefit from my wisdom and guidance.

Now that's all going to tanqueray.

I'm gonna transform her from scum of the earth

To captain of industry!

Uh, hey, hayley, can you come over here a second?

I wanna show you something.

What, uh, what did hayley's face look like

When I just told her all that?

Is she regretting not taking my advice yet?

What?

Oh, did I call you over?

I-I meant your mother.

Hey, francine.

Can you, uh, take a look at this?

The first step in teaching tanqueray

To run a successful business is enrolling her in school.

Tanqueray.

Tanqueray, wake up.

Your skanking days are over.

Your new business school classes start in half an hour.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, no, no, no, no, no!