Veep

Is it okay that I am actually excited

to go to an economic summit?

Time to lose your fiscal cherry.

Oh, my God, those protesters shouldn't be allowed so close.

They're just regular people, like you, Gary. Or Amy.

Gary: Let me tell you that when you announce 7,000 jobs,

they're gonna be fanning you with those signs.

Yeah.

You're gonna be like the "fairy job-mother."

Yeah.

I want Selina's job announcement on every network, okay?

I want to hear the Discovery Channel say, "We interrupt these sharks."

Thanks for sending me the speech, Mike. It's perfect...

- Great. - ...ly shit.

Your first drafts are always terrible.

- That's my fourth. - Oh, God.

Hey, Dan, why not put the Mike hazing on pause

and tell us why we're bringing Selina's personal trainer everywhere?

Because, Amy, trainers help release endorphins.

I think it's a good idea.

You know what? Next time I'll get a clown and cheer you up.

Oh, good, a two-clown entourage.

Ben: This is Clifford Powell, Rheingold Plastics.

He makes the sipping lids for coffee cups.

How do you do? So you're the guy who keeps burning my tongue.

Of course, you could just wait

until it's a drinkable temperature.

Well, that's true. That's true.

Whoa, don't look now, but nine o'clock, ex-hubby.

- Oh! - Hey, I'm Andrew.

- You see that tie? - Yeah.

- It's hideous. - Horrendous.

- Suits him. - Yeah, it does.

Andrew Meyer, dick on fire.

The metal skeleton, you know,

within the structure itself is useless,

but then you put this black fabric

hexagonal-shaped thing on it,

and what do you have? An umbrella. And it's a winning team.

And I like to think of it as a metaphor.

You know, don't you think, for... yes?

- Sorry to interrupt. - Yeah.

There's been a shooting across town.

Oh, no.

Three dead... one of them was Emily Lafuente.

Emily Lafuente, the journalist?

- Yes. - She was a vicious bitch

- and a fuckin' drunk. - Yep.

But that's sad news.

She was a Pulitzer Prize winner.

You don't have to do the whispering. It's just me.

- She was a Pulitzer Prize... - I know... now, of course.

- Ma'am, there's been... - Yeah?

A shooting. Yeah. Where do you get your news, from a guy on a horse?

Okay, so now what's gonna happen?

Is this gonna completely overshadow

my Turville jobs announcement, or what?

No, here's what we're gonna do. Mike, I want you to put out a statement

about the shooting, okay? Not too wordy for once.

How about I have the veep put her arms like in "Platoon"

and scream, "Why?" Too wordy?

- Dan, do you have a minute? - Yes.

You seem to be having me going to all these music awards.

Nobody watches MTV anymore.

I'm starting to feel like you're trying to hide me.

Catherine, I can't send Mike and Ben to Coachella.

But you, you know, you're hip.

You're "deck," you know?

Deck's a thing, right?

- Gary: Oh, ma'am... - Oh, God. Minna Hakkinen?

Okay, remember her husband fondled your left breast?

What do you think, I'm gonna forget that?

I've got a thumbprint there.

- Oh. - Madam Vice President.

Oh, Madam Ex-Prime Minister of Finland.

I do wonder why it is you are here.

I am giving the keynote address,

I am giving a talk on economics. "The Finnish Wilf."

- Er, what...? - It's "wolf."

Oh, hello.

- "The Finnish Wolf." - Yes.

- And there is my book. - Oh.

- And what is that called? - "The Finnish Wilf."

- It's "wolf." - Yeah, I got it.

- You can go. - Okay.

I am seeing other people walking around

with the retractable ones, and that is...

Sir, we only have them on lanyards.

I understand that you only have them on lanyards.

I want a lanyard with a retractable one.

Do you have any idea who I am?!

Jonah, come here. You know, sometimes

I feel like there's a nine-year-old boy inside of you

just operating the levers.

You see what I've got to deal with, right?

I don't care. Photo op, tomorrow.

Maddox-Selina... Queensbury rules.

Minimum four-second handshake.

Minimum six-second handshake, and I want a toothy smile.

Perfect. Because we've got to prove they both don't hate each other.

- Absolutely. - Okay. And this is it.

- This is it. - That's it.

- This is it. - This is it.

And I don't want any funny business, Mike.

- No funny business. - Going to keep an eye on you.

Oh, did you see this? Look at this action. Ka-pow!

This handshake is gonna show that there is no Maddox-Meyer feud.

And if there was, by the way, it would be a "Meyer-Maddox" feud.

Yeah, yeah. She would go first. That's right.

So, Amy, how's not being campaign manager

not working out for you?

Really, it's fine.

Selina and I have developed

such a good friendship over the years

that she tells me everything, anyway.

I never pegged you two as friends.

You always seem kind of tense around her.

I look tense,

because... yes, well, one, I have broad shoulders,

and, two, because that's the job.

The job is what makes me look tense.

But underneath all the work tension,

I'm really very relaxed.

Have you heard about Emily Lafuente?

- It is so awful. - Such a tragic thing.

I'm sorry to say, in your country you have too many guns.

Way too many. But I think we have a little problem,

and it's called the Second Amendment.

People think it's their birthright, you see.

To give guns to babies?

Well, only in Arizona.

- Minna, I've made a joke. - And me also, I made a joke...

for giving the guns to the babies.

Because I know you don't give the guns to the babies.

No, of course not. It would be dangerous.

- Yeah. Bang! No, it would be awful. - Awful.

- Amy, Amy. - Yes?

- Ray's here. - I see.

He practically fixed my shoulder.

He's not just a personal trainer,

he's like a personal Jesus.

And he could really help you with your...

well, really everything, actually.

What are you talking about?

I've been watching you. I see all of this tension.

Where do you want to start, neck or spine?

I could break both, if you'd like.

All right, well...

I dig a challenge.

Maybe you should work on North Korea first...

get them to relax, and work your way up to Amy.

Minna Hakkinen. The Finnish Fox!

- Wolf. - What?

- It's "wolf." - Oh. Thank you, Gary.

Are you part of "Team Veep"?

Sure. You and the veep been talking jobs?

Actually, no.

We were talking about the sad death of Emily Lafuente.

Just so sad. I hate murder.

In fact, I agreed with Selina.

She says the Second Amendment you have,

it's really a problem. You have far too many guns here.

Shit the fuck... she said that?

Selina: Oh, God.

I haven't bent this far since I was

five centimeters dilated.

And right leg is mine. Let's go.

- Okay. - Up.

Selina: Am I glowing? I feel like I'm glowing.

Ray: How about we turn out the lights and see?

- Can I trust you? - I don't know. Can you?

All right. Turn it over.

Come on. Almost there.

And core. Get it tight.

- Selina: Ooh! - Um, am I interrupting?

What? No, not at all.

I just need you to sign off

on this statement for the murdered journalist.

"Emily Lafuente... " what? I can't read what that says.

- "Lived life to the full." - "We will miss her distinct voice."

- Seems a bit stiff to me. - It does? Do you think?

Yeah. How about,

"When she wrote the world listened"?

- Ooh, I like that. - So, you want to go with that?

- Ray: Yeah. - Selina: Yeah.

Okay.

- Thanks, Mike. - Thank you.

I guess I can work with that.

- Selina: How much more do I have to do? - Ray: I'll let you know.

I guess Ray is a media consultant part time.

The entourage is getting way too big.

We're only days away from an omelet chef and a piano tuner.

- What are you doing? - Her jobs speech.

Can I see?

What is "Marimba America"?

Marimba... that alarm that's on your phone when you wake up.

It's like, "Wake up, America!"

They don't give a shit. You need a soundbite.

I wrote a soundbite once and had the entire crowd in tears.

Even the police horses.