Gift Horse

Ship's company, halt!

Call that a destroyer?

Right turn!

Looks more like battersea power station.

Keep silent! By the left, face!

Ship's company present and correct, sir.

Ship's company, stand at ease!

Here, Fanny, take a signal.

To Winston Churchill, free so-called destroyers in them there islands.

- You've been done, mate. - —no politics on an empty stomach, please.

Got any guff on the skipper, stripey?

A dugout, so the buffer reckons.

A bit rigid by all accounts.

She'll be nasty with a bit of sea running.

Yes, all of these rookies are in for a fine time.

That includes me, guns, and I'd rather not be reminded of it.

Seasickness? Merely a question of relaxation.

Famous last words, doc?

Ship's company, hup!

Attention on deck.

Stand easy, please.

My name is Fraser.

I shan't keep you long tonight.

But as this is the first time we meet as a full ship's company,

there are a few points to be made.

This ship is the United States Navy destroyer whittier.

She is one of the 50 destroyers the Americans are lending us,

and we have been sent here to man her.

Lieutenant commander Carson and his officers and men

will do everything they can in the shortest possible time

to show us the ropes.

We are going to work very hard.

We have a job to do in the fighting of this war,

and the sooner we are doing it the better.

There's just one other thing.

This ship, as you may know, has been laid up and sealed off

for a number of years.

And, quite plainly, she is no longer young.

However, at this stage in the proceedings

she is worth her displacement in gold.

With that in mind, it may be worth remembering

the useful old saying "never look a gift horse in the mouth".

Finally, I'm glad to welcome you here.

- —Carry on, first lieutenant. - Aye-aye, sir.

Ship's company, hup!

Fall out the officers.

March them aboard, please, chief.

Yeah, I know.

Fall out the privileged classes, remain to work yourself to death.

You all heard what the captain had to say,

and you all know what it means.

No loafing about, no skylarking,

and no peggings on the upper deck.

Ship's company, left turn!

- Number one. - Sir!

The next time you report the ship's company present and correct,

see that they are.

The majority of those men are improperly dressed.

Aye-aye, sir.

Just like a herd of cattle, we are.

Ah, mate, don't pick on me. Write to your mp about it.

No use, he's a Tory.

Well, where do we go from here?

Oh, thanks for the lift. —don't mention it. See you later.

Oh, sure.

- —Who's the midget? - I don't know. New boy, I think.

- Came on that last drop this morning. - —oh.

Cut the cackle and get below. And you, Daniels, square your cap off.

King's regulations, article number 174, sub-para 3(A).

"Caps are to be worn square on the head so that no hair is viewed."

Now hear this! Now hear this!

All hands lay aft to the fantail.

All British ratings report to the mess decks.

You know, I envy you, commander.

It must be fine to have a whole crew with combat experience.

I've got a hundred men in the ship's company.

Only four officers and 14 ratings have been to sea before.

I'd heard you British were scraping the bottom of the barrel, but...

We are. As a matter of fact, that's why I'm here.

Aren't you being a little modest, commander?

Oh, these, you mean? Well, they belong to the last war.

Commonly known as squeak and wilfie.

No, I've been on the beach since '32.

I was dug out, as we say, when the war started.

Since then, I've been sailing a stone frigate.

A stone frigate? —mm, shore establishment.

Ordinary seaman Flanagan, sir.

Chief said I should report to you for duties as captain's servant.

Are you trying to be funny?

No, sir. That's what he told me, sir.

Say, you are an American.

No, I come from Ireland.

Oh, I see. And what part of Ireland are you from, Flanagan?

Chicago?

How long have you been in the royal Navy?

Four months, sir. I enlisted in London.

Enlisted, huh?

Well, you certainly ought to feel at home on an American ship.

Yes, sir. —very well, Flanagan.

I'm glad to have you aboard.

Thank you, sir. I'm glad to be aboard.

Now sweepers, man your brooms.

Clean sweep down, fore and aft.

You know, in a lot of ways I wouldn't mind changing places with him.

I must have cursed this old bucket a hundred times since I took it over.

- And now I... - —I think I know what you mean.

Well, I'll say one thing for you British, commander,

you certainly don't waste much time.

We haven't got much time.

What's our position, pilot? —I'ii get a fix, sir.

Grant, I know where we are and so should you.

Next time I ask that question, I want a proper answer.

Aye-aye, sir.

Midships.

Steer 0—8—2.

- Midships, steer 0-8-2, sir. - Take over, number one.

- —Let me know when you sight the convoy. - Aye-aye, sir.

I wish he wouldn't make me feel so conscious of being a Saturday night sailor.

He seems to think I'm not trying.

I guess those wavy stripes of yours get in his hair.

- Starboard 15! - Starboard 15, sir.

I'm afraid he doesn't think much of me as a number one.

- —No. - If Canada had enough ships to go round,

I'd have a command of my own.

Midships, steer 0-9-6.

- Midships, steer 0-9-6, sir. - —why don't you turn over now?

He wants me to plot latest u-boat dispositions.

Oh, I never get a minute's peace. It's worse than being a school master.

Is that what you were? —among other things.

Journalism, advertising.

Civil service. A sort of rolling stone, you know.

Uh—huh.

Convoy on the starboard bow, sir.

Very good.

Captain, sir.

Yes?

Convoy sighted on the starboard bow, sir.

Very good, number one. I'll come up.

1—3—0 revolutions.

Did you get a star sight this morning, Grant?

- Yes, sir. - Good.

I said 1-3-0 revolutions.

Now!

910 revolutions a minute, sir.

That can't be right. She'll take off at that speed.

She'll only do 400 all out. Try again. I'll tell you when.

Had better engines than this driving milk lorries in tonypandy.

Now!

Keep well up, visibility's dropping. —another Gale warning, sir.

Why have the engines stopped? —now what is it?

Cut the steam! —

Pressure's gone, sir.

Take over, Morgan.

Stop everything except the auxiliaries.

- Any report from the engine room? - —chief's coming up to the bridge, sir.

It's the senior officer, sir. "Why stopped?"

Very good. Make back...

Another one just coming through from him now, sir.

Difficult to read his light.

What's the trouble, chief? —joint burst in main steam pipe, sir.

Can't move the engines till it's repaired.

Senior officer again, sir.

"If delay is serious, proceed independently to londonderry.

Your present position is..." Then I'm afraid we couldn't read any more, sir.

- Very good, yeoman. - Number one?

- —Sir? - Secure all movable gear.

Rig extra lifelines. Check all hatches and scuttles.

- Aye-aye, sir. - —think you can fix it, chief?

Oh, we can fix it all right, sir, but it'll take time.

Come on, my lads! Rise and shine! Starboard watch, close up.

Come on, out you get. A breath of fresh air will do you the world of good.

How long before we get on an even keel, 'swain?

Only four more miles, I reckon. Come on, come on!

Pork chops and pickles for lunch! Now, now then.

Mind you don't bring up that little hard ring in your throat.

You'll never get it down again if you do. Come on now, boy.

- Starboard watch, on deck. - —the doctor...

I want the doctor.

She goes on much longer like this, sir,

the ruddy turbines will tear themselves loose.

- —How's it going? - We've nearly fixed the steam pipe, sir.

Every time she hits a wave she Springs a fresh leak.

There's one in the stern gland now. Pumps won't get to it.

Put extra hands onto bailing.

Oh, open your eyes!

Oh, now!

Cor blimey! I wish I could be sick and get a bit of blooming peace!

Well, now perhaps we can get some peace.

Number one. —sir?

Exercise action stations.

Aye-aye, sir.

Cor blimey!

Dawn action, dusk action, worse than beecham's pills this is!

Now then wait for it, wait for it!

Mail's up!

Have you ever put into londonderry before, sir?

Yes, once, in '29.

Oh, I've been here several times.

It's, er... well, it's not what you'd call a matlow's paradise.

I thought the only thing you asked for, guns, was a dartboard.