Fresh Off the Boat

Ugh, that shadow's back, and it's not doing us any favors.

Should we bring the lamp in again?

Enough with the lamp, enough with the shadow.

Let's do this already.

Sorry, but it's gotta be just right.

Plus, I'm a dad. Taking forever with a camera

is a part of my brand.

Should I smile mouth-closed or mouth-open?

Mouth-open. Makes you look like you were caught mid-laugh.

This is so dumb.

We take the same Christmas card photo every year.

And every year, our smiles are a little different.

Yeah, but these old pajamas aren't,

and they're riding up the ol' chimney.

Well, deal with it, ya scrooge.

Look at us.

I don't normally toss out this word,

but we're real cute.

Maybe instead of cute, we go for funny this year.

Evan and Emery can pretend these lights are handcuffs,

and I'll be like, "No, I'm innocent!"

Save your pranks for Halloween.

Christmas is about tradition.

Don't bring Halloween into this.

Halloween has no dog in this fight.

Okay, we're all set.

All right.

Turn on the lights, Jenny.

Three, two, one.

- Pull! - Ugh.

Captions by VITAC... Sync corrections by srjanapala

Episode Title: "Cousin Eddie"

Hey, what are you doing?

Upgrading my stocking.

I'm too old for Large Bird.

Evan and Emery can stick with their knock-off

Biscuit Monster and Trash Grump.

Nice try. You just want a bigger stocking

so you get more stuff.

I thought you'd like it.

It's a classic red stocking.

It used to say "Tim" in glitter, but I picked it off.

No. Large Bird stays.

Here you go, Frosty.

Nope, too close to the rabbit.

Don't want it to eat your nose.

Can't put you next to the snow-woman.

Don't want any Christmas surprises.

Frosty's not an A-squad ornament, hang him in the back.

You heard the lady.

It's not so bad back there. You can get away with more.

Another Christmas in Jessica Town.

Oh, and the milliner finally kicked her hard cider addiction.

Mm. She looks so much younger.

Each one of these ornaments tells a story.

This pineapple symbolizes the time we bought tropical fruit

from a gas station and all got sick.

I lost 3 pounds.

Nicole sent me an ornament that tells a story, too...

How there is no truer common ground

between a lesbian and a 15-year-old boy

than the movie "Wild Things."

We're not hanging that on the tree.

Fine, I'll just put it over my bed.

Why?

While we're on the subject of Nicole,

she asked if I could come visit her in New York for Christmas.

The Big Apple, Concrete Jungle...

We spend Christmas together.

It's tradition.

You don't change tradition.

Every other family is a mess during the holidays...

Not us, we cruise right through it because we are consistent.

We stick with what works.

We'll revisit this later. No, we won't.

And the dance begins.

Mom, she's ready.

Ah, there she is.

Awaken, my sweet.

So we can't put "Wild Things" on,

but this old battle axe is allowed up there?

Yes, because for 15 years,

she's perched atop of our tree

and watched one perfect Christmas after another.

My angel.

I took the 20-sided dice from "Dungeons & Dragons,"

so we are gonna be zipping around the board.

Not if Emery can't choose his token.

Come on, we only have eight hours blocked off for this game.

He's right, pick. This game takes days.

I can't. I love the clean look

of the iron, but also the hat is so dapper,

and then there's the dog... Probably a rescue.

So, since Honey, Marvin,

and Nicole are in New York this year,

we have three empty seats we need to fill

for Christmas Eve dinner.

We could do just the six of us.

We could do a thousand things,

but what we're gonna do

is what we always do,

which is nine people.

I just thought it might be easier.

Save your bad ideas for Halloween.

I am in charge of Christmas,

and my reindeer plate set is for nine people.

We can't just leave out Donner, Blitzen, and Rudolph.

So, each one of you boys can bring one friend.

Eddie is bringing Trevor.

You mean Trent?

Sure.

Well, that's fun. Who are you gonna invite?

Zach. He's always my go-to.

Mine's Marvin.

- Mm. - I'm not sure.

There's Andy, Caleb, Sydney, Kate...

Here he goes again.

Can never make a decision.

Must be tough to have so many friends.

Dennis, Andrew, Janet who works the register at Mervyn's...

My friend Mervyn!

No, I can't invite him without inviting Alanis...

And then there's Bobby and Dwayne,

and what about the Spinelli twins?

How could I forget about them?

Did you get a new angel?

Oh, my God, that's the same one.

They said she'd never fly again,

but she's gonna prove them all wrong.

Off of that, I was thinking maybe I could make some

brownies with candy canes this year.

Still festive, still a sweet treat.

Plus, we get to smash some canes.

I make the cookies. You lick the bowl.

And I'll still do that,

but I figured I could help you lessen the workload.

What's your game, Huang?

Okay, I realized that New York was too big a swing.

So, I thought I could help you get rid of

your fear of change...

I don't fear change. I hate it.

Right, but if we start smaller,

you might see that change can actually be fun.

You're not going to New York by yourself.

You're still a kid. I'm not a kid.

I have shoulder hair.

Please, you still watch Ben and Jerry.

"Tom and Jerry," and I haven't watched that cartoon

since I was eight years old.

So why do you care about their names so much?

Okay, you don't have to decide on New York right now,

but at least consider candy cane brownies.

Let me ask you a question.

Do you hate Christmas?

No, I love it. It's my favorite.

You know why that is?

Because I spent years perfecting it.

We have our set plan...

"Miracle on 34th Street,"

"The Nutcracker" ballet,

snowman pancakes, and the hour where I sing along

with Bing Crosby after Christmas dinner.

Wait, we're still doing "The Nutcracker"?

I thought we were done with that snooze-fest.

Oh, we only skipped last year because the playhouse

decided to do a Disney-themed "Nutcracker."

Sugar plum Goofy, no thank you.

Well, can I at least skip the ballet this year?

I mean, no need to spend 50 bucks for me to fall asleep.

Come on, be a little flexible.

Flexibility is not what Christmas is about.

Commitment and tradition are.

No New York, no brownies.

She won't let me do anything.

She still thinks I'm a little kid!

But I'm older now. When will she get that?

Oh, don't tell your mom I'm stealing her potatoes.

Great idea to do breakfast on the couch.

This is like when that lizard got into the kitchen.

It's not usually my style, but if you can't cut loose

during the holidays, then when?

Oh, boy, you have pink eye again?

You really need to start washing your hands better.

I was up all night trying to figure out

who to invite to Christmas Eve.

Too hard to choose.

I can't narrow it down.

I need coffee.

And wash your hands!

Emery always has a hard time making decisions.

Now you add in Christmas and friends?

Never gonna happen.

He's gonna need our help.

Who's Stan Mallman?

"Mail man."

- That's our mail man. - Oh.

I can't ever remember his name.

I just say, "Yo," when I see him.

Oh, are you off to your job reporting the weather?

Good one, Jessica.