Two and a Half Men

Hey.

Hey.

What are you doing home?

Linda is spending time with her son tonight.

Apparently, she's one of those single moms

that puts her kid first.

The bitch.

You're just saying that 'cause our mom put us third.

Fourth after she got the Datsun 280-Z.

So whatcha you doing?

Paying our household bills.

You're a good wife, Alan.

I can't believe some lucky fella hasn't snapped you up.

Probably the penis.

That's usually a deal-breaker.

So, how are we doing bill-wise?

Not very well.

Are you aware you haven't had a paying job

in over nine months?

Are you aware that urine cures athlete's foot?

Seriously, you've got a big pile of bills and no money coming in.

Seriously, no itching, no burning,

just clears it right up.

The drug companies don't want you to know about it

because it's free.

Charlie, you're unemployed!

I know.

Haven't you heard? The jingle business is dead.

How would I hear that? Who would have told me?

It was in all the jingle magazines.

You know, before they went out of business.

Everybody's using old rock songs now.

They're not gonna hire a guy like me

to write a jingle for tampons

when they can just play "Stuck in the Middle with You."

This doesn't concern you at all?

Nah, something will turn up.

How can you be so sure?

Hey, do you have any idea how I got in the jingle business?

No. Neither do I.

But look how good that worked out.

Charlie, you cannot just depend on the kindness of the universe.

I have to.

I don't have an older brother I can sponge off of.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go pee on my feet.

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ah. * Men. * Men.

Okay...

Oh, crap.

Berta, you got a minute?

What's on your mind, Princess?

Well, um, first and foremost, you know that we consider you

a beloved member of this family.

Alan, you can roll manure in powdered sugar,

but it still ain't a jelly donut.

Now, now, see, that right there,

that's one of the things that we love about you.

Folksy... Spill it, Mildred.

Right, right.

Well, I'm not sure you're aware of this,

but it's been quite some time

since Charlie has had any actual income.

Okay.

And I can't help but notice that you're the only

beloved family member actually drawing a salary.

I'm also the only beloved family member

who takes a toothbrush to your kid's skivvies.

And... and we can never begin to repay you for that,

but-but during these difficult financial times

we all have to...

For the record, it's not my toothbrush, right?

Not right now, but cut my pay and all bets are off.

Come on, Berta. Be reasonable.

This might be more than just a temporary dry spell for Charlie.

Look, I know things may seem dark right now,

but I've known Charlie a lot longer than you have.

Um, technically, that's not true.

Are you gonna let me talk?

Sorry.

One thing I've learned

working for Mr. Charles Roscoe Harper...

His middle name isn't Roscoe...

Who's telling the story?!

Continue.

Anyway, what I've learned is

God takes care of drunks and fools,

and C. Roscoe Harper is both.

His middle name is Francis.

Hey. What's going on?

Trying to save you a little money around here.

Ah. Good man.

Appreciate it.

Check out what I bought Linda.

Diamond earrings?

She's a classy woman, Alan.

She's not going be impressed with a continental breakfast

and a copy of the video.

Be that as it may,

you can't keep spending money you don't have.

Oh, relax.

Something will turn up.

Will you stop saying that?

Things don't just "turn up."

You're living in a dream world.

Money doesn't just fall from the sky.

Obviously, you've never been sitting ringside

when a pole dancer hangs upside down.

* Men.

So did you buy this for your girlfriend

because you're breaking up with her?

No.

Why would you think that?

Because you always give jewelry to girls

you're getting ready to dump.

Very observant.

You watch, you learn.

Well, this isn't "breakup" jewelry.

This is "I like you, stick around" jewelry.

What's the difference?

About 1,500 bucks.

But let's back up a step.

A gentleman never "dumps" a lady.

He merely acknowledges the fact

that a relationship has run its course

by presenting her with a memento,

a keepsake, if you will, of their time together.

Remember that big blonde who threw the toaster oven at you?

Yeah, I remember.

Or when that yoga teacher who chucked

the fire extinguisher through your windshield?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And there was that actress who set fire...

It's not a perfect system, Jake.

* Men.

Oh, Charlie... they're beautiful.

You do realize

I was going to sleep with you tonight anyway.

This is just a little bonus.

Like when you get to a baseball game

and find out it's helmet night.

You silver-tongued devil.

Well, I don't know about silver, but you'll find I am tongued.

If you ignore that,

there's a matching necklace in it for you.

Why don't you open the wine?

Gary, what are you doing here?

I'm sorry, I tried to call, but your line's been busy.

What do you mean my line's been busy?

I haven't been on the phone.

Well, I must've called 20 times.

Fine. What do you want?

I have to go to New York tonight and I can't take Brandon.

But I have company. And I have an emergency board...

Who are you?

I'm Charlie.

I'm Brandon.

Nice to meet you, Brandon.

You know...

I have a nephew about your age.

(Linda and Gary continue arguing)

Hey, Dad, did you give Mom a present

when you got divorced?

A present?

Yeah, a memento of your time together.

Jake, buddy, you're the memento of our time together.

So you were too cheap to get her earrings.

She did better than earrings.

She got my family jewels.

Hi, honey.

Hi, Mom.

When you die, do I get Dad's family jewels?

What?

Nothing. Just go inside.

Okay, well, thanks for dropping him off.

Uh, Judith, hang on a second.

What?

Um... how's it going?

Good.

So your, uh, your new marriage going well?

Herb's okay?

What do you want, Alan?

Charlie's jingle business is dead,

and I'm going to be homeless.

Well, you can't stay here.

Oh, no, no...

That's not what I was getting at,

but it's good to know that door is firmly closed.

Uh, no, what I was hoping

was that we could talk about the child support.

What about my child support?

Ah, ah. Well, technically it's Jake's child support,

hence the term "child," um...

But I-I just thought maybe we could make some trims.

Uh, for instance, the karate classes,

the, uh, archery lessons,

the algebra tutor.

I mean, I don't know about you,

but, uh, I've never seen him, you know,

break a board or, uh, string a bow.

And, uh, and the algebra tutor, I mean, who are we kidding?