Bumpin' Body Phat

- HEY, WE'RE STILL ON THE CLOCK,

SO EVERYBODY DRINK TWO GLASSES.

EVERYBODY HERE? WHERE'S NINA?

PROBABLY ON THE PHONE WITH THREE COUNTRIES AT ONCE,

HAVING HER WAY WITH THEM.

TAKE IT EASY, NINA, AND GET IN HERE.

SO SINCE WE BROKE UP

SEEMINGLY NOT TOO LONG AGO,

I WANTED YOU TO HEAR I GOT ENGAGED FROM ME,

NOT SOMEONE ELSE.

- ARE YOU READY TO MAKE PARTNER OR WHAT?

- OUT OF RESPECT FOR MARIA, I'VE JUST OPTED...

- IT'S TRENT. - NOT TO INCLUDE YOU...

YOUR EX?

- TRENT, I GOT TO GO, 'CAUSE THEY'RE ABOUT TO ANNOUNCE

WHO MADE PARTNER, AND AS USUAL,

YOUR TIMING IS IMPECCABLE, AND BY IMPECCABLE,

I MEAN COLOSSALLY SH--TY.

FORGET TRENT.

COME ON.

THERE'S NINA.

LET'S DO THIS.

I WANT TO TAKE A MINUTE AND TALK ABOUT

WHAT SETS THIS PERSON APART FROM EVERYONE.

AND IT'S MORE THAN A WORK ETHIC.

- YOU MUST BE BURSTING AT THE SEAMS.

- YEAH. - BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.

SCREW IT. YOU KNOW WHAT? LET'S JUST GET THIS DONE.

THE NEWEST PARTNER OF SCHUSTER ALEXANDER IS...

DEBBIE MATHERSONS.

- OH! - ME?

- NO. - REALLY, ME?

YOU.

- WOW, DEBBIE. - OH.

- CONGRATULATIONS. I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU.

OH, THANK YOU.

THIS MUST BE A LITTLE BIT OF A SURPRISE THOUGH FOR YOU.

IT IS A SURPRISE.

I MEAN, I DON'T THINK

I'M THE ONLY ONE WHO'S SURPRISED.

KEITH, YOU SURPRISED? - UM, SURE.

A PLEASANT SURPRISE. - THANK YOU.

ANYWAY, I JUST REALLY WANT TO SAY--

- I MEAN, DEBBIE IS A GOOD LAWYER, RIGHT?

SHE'S NOT A BAD LAWYER. SHE'S A GOOD LAWYER.

A GOOD LAWYER WITH GREAT BREASTS.

OH.

- WHERE AS WITH ME, YOU JUST GO AHEAD AND FLIP THAT.

MY BREASTS AREN'T GONNA WIN ANY AWARDS.

THAT WAS MY LAWYERING. LOTS OF AWARDS.

I'M SORRY. I'M MAKING THIS ABOUT ME.

THIS IS NOT ABOUT ME. THIS IS YOUR MOMENT.

- RIGHT. - THIS IS DEBBIE'S MOMENT.

YEAH, DEBBIE, WHOO, UP TOP!

YEAH.

- ANYWAY, I JUST WANT TO SAY THAT--

SERIOUSLY THOUGH?

I HAVEN'T SLEPT MORE THAN TWO HOURS A NIGHT

FOR THE PAST FIVE YEARS, AND YOU PASS OVER ME

TO MAKE DEBBIE PARTNER?

I MEAN, I CAN SEE WHY IT'S NOT NANCY.

I MEAN, SHE'S FAILED THE BAR TWICE.

AND RICK HAS YET TO WIN A CASE,

AND HE STEALS TONER AND SELLS IT ON EBAY.

BUT DEBBIE?

I KICK DEBBIE'S ASS.

I KICK ALL OF YOUR ASSES.

I HAD A FIANCE...

BUT I GAVE THE BEST YEARS OF MY LIFE

TO THIS PLACE INSTEAD OF HIM, SO HE BROKE UP WITH ME,

AND THREE MONTHS LATER, HE'S ENGAGED TO SOMEBODY ELSE.

- TRENT'S ENGAGED? THAT'S FANTAS--

- I GAVE YOU EVERYTHING FOR NOTHING.

NINA.

THAT WAS A GIFT FROM ELTON JOHN.

- SHUT YOUR PIEHOLE, WINSTON.

YOU WITH YOUR HALITOSIS

AND YOUR OBVIOUS AFFECTION FOR DEBBIE'S TITS.

OH.

- ENJOY THEM, 'CAUSE ME AND MY TINY LITTLE TITS

ARE GONNA GO TO THE BAR AND GET TOILET-HUGGING DRUNK,

SO ALL OF YOU CAN GO PISS UP A ROPE.

00, SO YOU HAVE TO USE YOUR CARD.

RIGHT, THANK YOU.

WOW, I WAS REALLY ANGRY EARLIER.

BUT, I MEAN, COME ON,

HAVEN'T YOU GUYS EVER GOTTEN UPSET BEFORE?

JOHN, SAW YOU CRYING IN YOUR CAR.

I HAVE CANCER.

OKAY.

- YOU KNOW YOU'RE NEVER GONNA WORK IN CORPORATE LAW AGAIN.

- IS THAT RIGHT? WELL, WATCH ME.

'CAUSE THE NEXT JOB I GET IS GONNA BE TEN TIMES BETTER

THAN THIS ASS CARNIVAL.

SAYONARA, MOTHER- .

EXCUSE ME.

SORRY. EXCUSE ME. EXCUSE ME.

[people chatting, baby crying]

NO.

YEAH, I UNDERSTAND THAT.

HI THERE.

CHERYL?

YEAH, I UNDERSTAND, BUT SHE'S A PUBLIC DEFENDER,

SHE'S NOT A CORRECTIONS OFFICER.

CHERYL? - WHAT?

- MAYBE YOU SHOULD COME IN HERE AND EXPLAIN TO THE WARDEN

HOW YOU LOST HIS PRISONER.

- MY EXPLANATION IS, APPARENTLY WHEN YOU LEAVE A CLIENT TO PEE,

YOU HAVE TO TELL A GUARD OR THEY WON'T GUARD,

WHICH YOU'D THINK THEY WOULD DO AUTOMATICALLY

SINCE THEY ARE GUARDS, BUT APPARENTLY NOT.

SO THE GUY ESCAPED.

GREAT SUIT. THAT AIN'T FROM PENNEY'S.

- OH, THANK YOU. IT'S NOT.

SIR, I'M NINA WHITLEY,

SO IF YOU COULD SHOW ME TO MY OFFICE,

BE HAPPY TO GET STARTED.

OOH, NINA WHITLEY?

THE CRAZY LADY WHO SMASHED A VASE

OVER ELTON JOHN'S HEAD?

YOU'RE A LEGEND.

- THAT'S YOU. YOU GOT FIVE MINUTES.

YEAH, HENRY, I'M STILL HERE.

- I'M SORRY, FIVE MINUTES TO WHAT?

- COURT. SESSION STARTS IN FIVE.

GET A MOVE ON IT. - WHAT?

THAT'S INSANE.

I MEAN, YES, SIR. NOT A PROBLEM.

- LISTEN, I HEARD ABOUT YOU.

YOU'RE GONNA PUT A LID ON THESE TEMPER TANTRUMS.

WE DON'T DO THAT AROUND HERE.

HENRY, YOU GODDAMN POLACK, LISTEN TO ME!

CUT IT OUT OUT THERE.

TAKE THAT SH-- OUTSIDE.

CUT IT OUT!

GET THESE GUYS OUTSIDE.

WHO'S YOUR PAROLE OFFICER?

I'M WRITING YOU UP, KNUCKLEHEAD.

YOU CAN'T PULL THIS SH-- IN HERE.

CUT IT OUT!

- SO ARE YOU THE NEW GAL? - YEAH.

- IS IT TRUE THAT YOU WENT ALL GARY BUSEY

AND SMASHED A LAMP IN GEORGE MICHAEL'S FACE?

- WHAT? NO, IT WAS ELTON JOHN.

AND HE WASN'T EVEN THERE.

THAT WAS AN ISOLATED INCIDENT, OKAY?

I'M JUST GONNA...

PAY YOUR DUES.

PLAY NICE. SLUM IT HERE FOR A WHILE,

SIX MONTHS, EARN YOUR WAY BACK TO MONEY LAW.

NICE TO MEET YOU TOO.

I'M NINA, AND I'M HOPING IT'S MORE LIKE THREE MONTHS.

AND YOU ARE PHIL QUINLEN,

CARD-CARRYING MEMBER OF CHIMANGO CASINO GOLD CLUB?

WOW.

THAT HOW YOU AUGMENT YOUR FAT COUNTY SALARY?

- OH, YOU SHOULD SEE THE RIMS ON MY COROLLA.

IN FACT, I'LL WIN A BET RIGHT NOW.

WHAT'S THAT?

- YOU'RE GONNA BE LATE FOR COURT.

SH--.

I MEAN, SHOOT.

SH--, SH--. - IT'S OKAY, WE SAY THAT HERE.

SH--, SH--.

WHOA, OH, GOD.

JESUS, WHAT'S THAT SMELL?

- LAST TIME, A POSSUM DIED IN THE VENT,

BUT MY GUESS IS, THE SEWER EXPLODED.

- OH. - YOU NINA?

- YEAH, YOU ARE? - YOU GOT ARRAIGNMENTS.

YOU GOT TO GIVE PLEAS-- - ALL RISE.

COURT OF THE COUNTY OF LOS ANGELES

IS NOW IN SESSION.

HONORABLE DON P. NELSON IS NOW PRESIDING.

- JESUS CHRIST, IT SMELLS LIKE BAKED CRAP IN HERE.

TRENT, YOU HIT A DEER OUT THERE IN THE HALLWAY?

- NO, YOUR HONOR. I THINK I'D REMEMBER THAT.

TRENT?

NINA.

TRENT.

- TRENT. - NINA.

TRENT, NINA,