Tales from the Darkside

Man lives in the sunlit world

of what he believes to be reality.

But... there is,

unseen by most, an underworld.

A place that is just as real

but not as brightly lit.

A dark side.

-Ruthie, Bethel is on the phone. -(loud rock music continues)

What's that smell?

You know, Little Nicky's getting real good.

Chip off the old wood.

Honey, Bethel is on the phone because today is the last day

for the finalists to turn in your favorite household hints,

so that we can win the big prize and be on TV.

And the big prize

is one of those darling Amana freezers, Nicky.

And l can't concentrate

with Little Nicky banging away on those...

Honey, but he's getting real good though, eh?

Yeah.

You know, l didn't see my favorite shirt

hanging up this morning.

Because there it is.

-Where did this stain come from? -Blood.

l didn't blood on my shirt.

Well, l did. l bled all over it

just so l could practice getting out the stain.

This is the third shirt you've ruined

with Ruthie's household ''hins.''

-''Hints.'' Household ''hints.'' -What?

Oh, never mind.

Bethel, here she is, the household ''mence.''

Mence?!

You know, like Dennis the ''Mence.''

Oh. Hello? Bethel?

l... l can't hear you.

Nicky, please tell Little Nicky to stop.

Okay, okay, l'll go tell him to stop.

Thanks, honey.

: Little Nicky, you have to stop now!

(needle scratches, music stops)

Hi, Dad. l got it.

Yeah, right in the pocket, but you have to stop now

'cause your mother is on the phone.

Dad, can l sit in for one song with the band tonight?

Oh, l don't know, Little Nicky.

Aw, can l, Dad? Gee, Dad, can l?

You said l was sounding good.

Like Buddy Rich almost.

Well, l don't know, Little Nicky.

Well, okay, l'll talk to the rest of the guys in the band.

Oh, gee, Dad, will you? Really?

-Oh, wow! -You know...

l'll practice all day. Listen to this.

-(loud drumming) -Bethel,

everything has to rhyme... Nicky.

Honey, the kid has to practice.

Listen to this, Dad.

No, no, no, you have to get behind the beat.

Behind...

: Behind the beat,

behind the beat. That's it.

Behind the beat, behind the beat, behind the beat.

-That's it. -l can't find anything. Yeah.

Behind the beat, behind the beat, behind the beat...

l'm gonna have to call you back.

Quiet!

l am just asking for one day of quiet.

Okay, okay, l'm sorry, honey.

But then you have to hurry up and finish up

with the household hints business

so that we can get back to life like normal around here, huh?

Okay, honey.

Come on, Little Nicky,

walk with me down to the train station, huh?

Wait till you see how happy you are

when l have that Amana freezer in the house.

We'll all sit in it and cool off.

And, Little Nicky,

you come right back from that train station.

Yes, Mom.

Okay.

: Oh...

Whatever it is, we don't want it.

You've got roy-monia.

-'Monia. Need it. -What?

Trade... Need 'monia.

Oh...

-Mister... -(splutters)

Arter-bay.

l have the arter-things to bart-bay for ammonia.

-You have ammonia, lady? -Oh, yeah.

Come on in and sit down.

-Ammonia. -l've got ammonia.

-Ammonia. Need-need ammonia. -Yeah, l got ammonia.

l use ammonia to take out carbon paper stains...

Need ammonia.

...blood, grease-- the ten percent strength,

being careful of silk and wool, of course.

Ew, this isn't wool, is it?

No wonder you're fainting.

lt must be a hundred degrees out there.

Foresby-breathe.

l eed... l need admonia.

Mister, l got a little lipstick on your suit.

l bet you need a glass of water.

O-nee, ne-watuper, no watuper.

Hey, what are you selling?

Do you have anything to get out tobacco stains?

All l have is ammonia.

'Monia. 'Monia.

But if you have something to get it out quicker and easier,

l could win a Amana freezer.

Have many, many things in here.

Here, any many things for ady-trade for ammonia.

See? Here, have for opener, see?

See? Opening, opening, opening.

Openings, openings.

Everything opening, opening.

Trade, lady, trade?

You know, you don't sound so good.

And you look sick.

Maybe you should go home and rest for the day.

Let me get this lipstick stain out.

Let's see...

Dear Harried Housewife,

Stubborn lipstick stain?

Don't flip or kick.

Rub the stain with white bread.

Lipstick gone.

What a trick.

Aw, aw...

How's about

a... a ozer-kozer for ammonia, huh?

See? Press, press.

See, see?

-Close. (laughs) -Lipstick.

You know, if you really need ammonia that bad,

l'm going to give you some.

'Monia? Have ammonia here?

Oogy-googy, el-smell ammonia.

'Monia smell oogy-good.

l can smell 'monia at hundred miles.

-Well, here it is. -(gasps)

Oogy-oogy, googy-good.

Ah. Yes!

Oh, no, no, don't drink that.

Oh, must drink, must.

Mmm...

Oh, good golly!

Oh, the antidote for swallowing ammonia

is first you drink milk and then fruit juice.

Household hints, number ten:

Drink this. Don't drink that.

Good golly.

Oh, ervy-good. Very, very oody-good-good.

You have more, lady?

Are you all right?

My name Klaatzu.

Not used to avity-gravity.

Your name is Klaatzu?

Name Klaatzu.

You drank ammonia.

l did. l sure did.

l did, l drink ammonia. l drink it.

And l have rader-traders in here for more.

l need three-year supply.

You're not from around here, are you?

Oh, l stay here for three years.

And then, l-l watch and then l go home

and l tell about you.

Rader-traders

for more, lady? More ammonia?

Mom! Mom! Dad said l could sit in

tonight with the band, so l got to practice, okay?

-Oh, wait a minute, young man. -Mom, l got to practice.

Now we made a deal--

l get the morning, you get the afternoon.

But what if l don't get it right in the afternoon?

l can't go back to the morning to practice

before the afternoon, 'cause the morning will be gone.

But, honey, it's so hard to work when you're playing.

lt's just a stupid household ''hin.''

Hints! Household hints.

No one around here speaks English.

l'm gonna go practice now.

l'm sorry, mister.

Oh, it's kay-o, kay-o.

l got to go practice now.

Little Nicky...?

And l must give you something for ammonia.

Oh, the only thing l need

is to turn off Little Nicky for a couple hours.

Turn off Nicky?

Just for a couple hours so l can get my work done.

Oh, yes, bio-stasis field.

(Little Nicky playing drums, rock 'n' roll blaring)

We call it oper-stop.

Yeah, sure. that's what l need-- an oper-stop.

-Mm-hmm. -Mister,