Reaper

This is a carjacking? Are you carjacking me?

I'm the Devil.

Before you were born, your mom and I sold your soul to the Devil.

- You going to tell Andi? - I'm not going to tell Andi.

If she knows, she'll never go out with me.

You can make her go out with you.

You're just going to bring escaped souls back to hell.

That's cool, right?

- But how am I supposed to capture them? - This will help...

A vessel hand-crafted in the bowels of perdition

by the iniquitous and the vile.

- That will work. - Word of caution...

I don't accept failure.

You finally found the one thing that you're good at.

You sent an escaped soul back to hell.

Cady. Hey, it's me.

Um, I haven't talked to you since you left.

I hope everything's OK.

Give me a call when you get this. All right. Bye-bye.

Are we really going to discuss this?

I mean, seriously, Benji, we are living next door to 2 demons.

Demons. All right. As cuddly and cute as they are,

I cannot live in the same building with 2 cat-eating, horny freaks, all right?

- We're moving out ASAP. - Moving out where?

Your mom doesn't want you living in the house anymore,

and I don't have another place lined up.

What about you, Sam?

Look, I'm the last person who wants to live next to demons.

- Thank you. - But we signed a lease on this condo.

We break it, we don't get our deposit back.

Money. Money, schmoney. Come on.

If I had been worried about money my whole life, where do you think I'd be?

You'd not be broke, right?

They do do our laundry, though. I love when my boxers smell like lemongrass.

And that beer tasting party on Saturday?

That may have been the best night of my life.

They definitely amped up our style.

Dude, check this sweater out that they got me for my birthday.

- What? - When was your birthday?

Monday.

We totally spaced.

- Why didn't you say anything, dude? - It's fine.

Steve and Tony took me out

to this awesome bar called George Ultra Lounge.

Dude, that's a gay bar.

Oh. Yeah. That explains a lot.

OK. Look, we're getting off topic here.

Steve and Tony smell terrific,

and yes, they have great taste in beer, but they are demons.

Let's just try to avoid them.

You know, let's just chill out this relationship,

- put a little separation between us. - All right. Fine. Whatever.

What, it takes 3 of you ladies to get a stain out of my chair?

It does if you want it done right, which is the only way we know how to do it.

You no likey?

Get out on the floor right now, you nimrods. You're done in here. Let's go.

Here you go. She's ready. Nimrods? That's a good one.

Hello.

Good job, sir. Good job.

Got Ted with the old slip and slide, huh?

Hey, Sam, can I borrow you a second?

So. So, what's up?

I just wanted to apologize

for what I said about Cady the other day, for being weird.

- I was totally out of line. - No, no. It's OK. She's...

She's visiting her mom in New Mexico. We're trying to work stuff out.

Oh. OK. Good.

And I know you're just trying to be a good friend.

That's the thing, Sam.

I wasn't trying to be a good friend.

Actually, I wasn't even being a friend to you at all.

What do you mean?

I tried to deny it in the beginning because I really...

I don't want to ruin this friendship.

And... god. It's kind of embarrassing, because it...

It took me seeing you with Cady for me to realize the truth, and...

the thing is that I see you as more than a friend.

I like you.

I like you.

I don't know what to say.

There's nothing to say.

I'm sorry. You know what?

I just really needed to get that off my chest. That's all.

It's nothing.

What?

Reaper 1x13 Acid Queen

This is the third text from Steve and Tony.

- Maybe I should write back. - No. Absolutely not.

Stay strong, OK?

Yeah, but I miss Steve and Tony. I mean, they're like our cool, fun uncles.

Benji, have you ever had a cool, fun uncle?

Uncle Hector.

Uncles are creepy by definition, OK?

Have you not been watching your S.V.U.?

Where you been?

I was driving around a bit.

- You all right? - Yeah, I'm fine.

- He misses Cady. - Oh, is that it?

You miss your girlfriend, Sam? It's cool to admit it, you know.

Real men share their feelings, OK?

That's what Tony says.

Actually, Andi...

Not it. Not it.

- Damn it. - Yes. Go get the door.

- Guys, guys. - Yeah?

It's Steve and Tony.

We...

Hey, guys, what's up!

Hey. We were in the neighborhood. We thought we'd stop by, say bonjour.

- Bonjour! - French.

Is now a bad time?

Is it a... what time is it?

Oh, it's... phew!

We made some apricot... Very good muffins.

You boys might like them. They're delicious and nutritious.

- Hot stuff coming through. - Come in.

So.

Haven't seen you guys around in a while.

Something wrong?

- Wrong? - What would be wrong?

You've ignored my texts.

You avoided me in the parking lot, Sam.

We were supposed to do some yoga the other day,

but I wound up doing downward-facing dog all by myself.

All right. All right. I forgot.

I guess we're just a little confused because we thought

we're having a great time, things are going well.

And what happened?

- Is it something we did? - Something we said?

No. No.

You're right. You're right. Look. Uh...

this is tough for all of us, OK?

But you 2 deserve to hear this in person, I think.

Right now, right here...

From Sam.

Tell them.

Look. Steve, Tony...

- You guys are great guys. - Thank you, Sam.

It's just we're...

We're just going through some things right now.

Wacko.

We just thought it would be best if, for right now,

if we didn't hang out as much.

- Are you dumping us? - And it's not you.

- It's us. - Oh, man.

It's us.

I mean, we need time for ourselves, space, to think about things.

That was a mistake. God. What are we doing?

We shouldn't have done this in person.

We should have done this over the phone or text messaging,

- something less personal and brave. - You know what? We're leaving.

Before we do something...

that we regret.

- Sam. - Like what?

Come on, Steven.

- Those muffins look good. - Sorry.

Oh, man.

I'm going to barf.

Something we'll regret? What the hell does that mean?

That means we're about this close to becoming demon dinner.

Hey, you guys want a Sock, Sam, and Ben muffin?

They're delicious and nutritious.

We really got to find a new place.

I think I heard Steve crying through the wall last night.

No. No, you didn't. That was Tony.

He's got that weird nasally,

quivery Streisand thing he does when he's upset.

But they are demons, all right? I've got to stay strong on this one.

I'm not going to break.

- It's hard, man. - Sammy, would you please do something?

Poop! What are you doing?

Sorry, man. I'm just... I'm distracted right now.

- Clearly. - What, about the demons?

- No. With Andi. - Great. Here we go. Andi.

Andi told me she likes me.

- What did you just say? - Yeah, I know.

Please tell me you professed your undying love for her.

I can't do that. I have a girlfriend.

God! You and Cady are on a break, Sam.

Yeah, something that she suggested.

Isn't this kind of what you always wanted, Sam?

- Yeah. Yeah. - OK, then. Come on.

You've been dying to get with Andi since the beginning of time.

I say you got to go for it.

What, and just break up with Cady? Doesn't that make me look like a jerk?

You're better off breaking up with Cady and getting together with Andi

than staying with Cady and secretly pining for Andi.

You sound like a 12-year-old girl right now.

Well, pardon me for being in touch with my feelings, Sam. OK?

But you could take a lesson from me.

Hey, Andi. Need help with this?

Yeah, thank you.

- Thank you. - All right.

- Hey, um, about the other day... - I feel like an idiot, Sam.

I really should have never put you in that position.

I know you're with Cady, and I know that the timing sucks,

and I just shouldn't have put it out there like that.

But I did, and I know I can't take it back.

- And I'm just really sorry. - Oh, no, no.

Don't be sorry.