Big F**kin’ Snake

This has been so much fun.

Who would've thought you knew so much about stars?

Well,

astronomy was one class in college

I actually paid attention to.

It helped that when the professor

took us out to look at the stars,

we were burning on some really good weed.

Well, they do call it higher education, right?

Yeah, it's fun.

Yeah, well.

I think it's time for a different kind of fun.

Well I haven't been camping since I was a kid.

Damn it, hold on.

I have to take this, it's work.

Seriously?

Yeah, I'll just be a second.

No, don't go!

One second.

Don't leave.

It's like 11 o'clock at night.

Shit, I forgot to forward that email.

I'm sorry, it won't happen again.

Oh my God.

Please, please, hello? Hello?

Please, I dunno.

Hello? Can you hear me?

I dunno, I dunno, he's, I dunno.

He's my, my man,

my boyfriend, he's,

there's so many of them out there,

I don't know what,

Please, please, please, please, please, please.

Can you hear me, hello?

Hello? Please, please, please.

Holy shit.

Oh god.

Deputy. You know what time it is?

Sheriff, I uh,

Never mind. What's going on?

Sir, I received a 911 distress call

from Mike Eaton, and uh,

Jessica.

Mike's dead.

Jess is in a state of shock.

What happened to him? Was is murda', lovers spat, what?

Well, she's claiming that Mike Eaton was

killed by a rattlesnake, maybe two.

Started after her before she reached the car.

She's so out of it though, I mean,

state of shock and all.

Plus I found some pot, and who knows?

I just don't think it's

an army of snakes.

You know, I wouldn't be chalking the girl's

statements up to hysteria or pot,

this has happened here before.

Sir. All due respect, I've been here 15 years,

and I've never heard any so much as a snake bite,

or anything of this kind of nature like this.

That's 'cause it was over 40 years ago,

when my father was sheriff.

I was 12, 13 years old.

I remember him telling me about swarms of rattlesnakes,

attacking people.

Killing them.

Especially up by the old army base.

Where the commissioner's building that project

for that adventure trail?

Oh God, I,

I think they started work out on that trail.

We're gonna have to put

a kibosh on this problem somehow.

Well, since you and I both aren't uh,

experts on snakes,

I think I'm gonna need you to contact the college,

reach out to a professor,

or someone who's got some knowledge in this area.

Oh, we'll get right on it, um.

As soon as I get us in contact with someone,

we'll, we'll contact you.

Oh, hey Deputy,

I'm gonna need you to keep this quiet.

I'm gonna have to break it

to Commissioner Lewis in the morning.

He's gonna be irate.

This land development trail,

they're his baby.

Let's go, thanks sir.

Thank you sir!

Yep.

Hey Sheriff, how can I help you?

Sir, We have a problem out at Davidson's Ridge.

What kind of problem?

We have groundbreaking,

and a fireworks celebration

near there very soon.

Well, there was an attack out there.

Attack, what attack?

A young couple camping

was attacked by a swarm of snakes.

It killing him, the girlfriend managed to escape.

A swarm of snakes?

What are you talking about?

We haven't had someone killed by a snake in over 40 years.

I'm sure,

I'm sure it was just random.

Nothing about this is random.

I believe that we should reach out for an outside agency,

or some assistance on this.

No, no, no.

That'll bring the media, get the media involved,

and wreck a lot of plans, so don't overreact.

So how much longer are we supposed to have to do this for?

I told you we should have got out here earlier,

it's boiling damn hot.

Tell me about it man,

couldn't we have done this a few months ago

when it was, you know, cooler outside?

Look,

if you guys would shut up and quit complaining,

we could be done here in less than an hour,

and we could get out of here.

Besides, this is one of the commissioner's pet projects.

So if we get this done on time,

could be tons of geo tech work for the company,

and maybe some raises.

Whatever, I'll believe it when I see it.

Yeah, me too.

Tell you what, so you big babies don't sweat too much,

I will walk up that ridge over there,

and set up a range rod.

This big baby isn't gonna complain.

Me neither, boss.

I'm no big baby.

It's like a million degrees out here.

Besides, I'm missing my subscribers.

Just start packing what we don't need while I walk,

and stay off your phones.

Uptight bitch.

Hey, Jason, come on.

There's, there's nothing more we can do, man, she's gone.

We, we gotta call the cops.

I don't have my phone, you call them, hurry.

Oh my God.

We gotta get outta here.

Help. There's snakes everywhere!

- They got Melissa! - You gotta go, go!

Yeah, I heard about it.

I told you, you wouldn't listen.

Hold on, hold on.

Do you know how far fetched

a giant swarm of snakes sounds?

And don't you dump this all on me.

Besides, the survey crew

was just a couple miles away from where the

campers were.

I wanted to close this area down,

but God forbid your little project get sidetracked.

How dare you.

Small project, little project.

Listen, this is my last term.

And that project was my swan song,

it'll benefit the county

for years and years to come,

so don't start on me.

The hell's the matter with you?

Instead of making me

look like the fall guy,

we should come up with some kind of a plan.

Look, I'm way ahead of you.

Despite you telling me earlier not to,

I've already reached out to an expert.

My deputy's gonna go speak with them in the morning.

Then maybe, just maybe,

we can get this thing under control.

Okay, great.

Until then,

let's uh,

let's seal that area off.

And find a way to kill those damned snakes.

Keep me posted,

let me know what those experts say.

Okay sir, I'll brief you the same time tomorrow.

Man, you gotta be a really strange character

to wanna study snakes.

Yeah, I couldn't agree more,

I wouldn't wanna be called a herpetologist.

A herpes what?

No, not, not, herpes.

Get your mind outta the gutter.

No, no, no,

A Herpetologist studies snakes.

Oh really? Somebody's been doing some Googling.

Anyway, I don't want anything to do with herpes,

or any damn snakes.

Let's just go, okay come on.

Come on in, I'm expecting you.

Professor, how you doing today?

Dr. McCauley.