About a Boy

Whoever's down here, I'm armed.

- Did you hear that? - Yeah, yeah.

That came from your walls!

It's all right, I got it.

Oh, my God, our clothes.

Something moved our clothes.

Oh, no, we moved our clothes...

- Off our bodies. - Oh.

What the hell?

Marcus.

Did you get it, Will?

- Marcus? - What is happening?

Marcus? This is not cool, man.

I cracked your network pass code.

You may not want to use "password" as your password.

It's a little simplistic.

- Marcus? - Will?

Marcus?

Will?

Hi.

We have a dumbwaiter?

This is all one house, Will. Isn't this awesome?

We live together!

We do not live together.

Cool, a bra.

Okay, this just got a little too weird.

Uh, Jenny... Jenny! Please don't go.

You have a kid in a wall.

- Wha... that's not my kid. - It's your wall.

Yeah, but... Please.

- Oh, hi, Dakota. - Who's Dakota?

Oh...

Good-bye, Will.

Gosh, you really have a type, don't you?

Hi, mom. Did you ask him yet?

Did you put my son in the wall?

I took your son out of the wall.

You can babysit for me tomorrow, right, Will?

Oh, yes. I have a job interview.

And since you don' a job or clearly do anything...

Whoa, okay. All right, you know what?

I may not have a job, but I do... things.

Actually, you're free and clear.

I checked your iCal when I hacked your printer.

Why do you have a waxing appointment?

Listen, I just... You know, thursdays in general,

they're not good for me.

Why? What happens on thursdays?

Things just kinda come up.

Like, my bagel store

sometimes makes these special bagels, asiago cheese.

So if they're making asiagos,

I kinda need to be available at a moment's notice.

Oh. Well, if something urgent like a bagel comes up,

perhaps you could take Marcus with you.

Yeah, you know, it's just... thur...

You know, I'd prefer to keep things open, so...

All right, well, I'll... I'll try to reschedule it.

Probably hurt my chances but... Come on, darling.

Get out of the wall. Come on.

Please, Will? She really needs the job.

Aw...

So just a couple of hours, right?

- Right. - Thank you, Will.

And thank you, dumbwaiter,

for opening our walls and our hearts.

Aww.

The walls are closing in around me.

The kid has no boundaries.

He literally came through

the walls of my house, Andy.

How does he think it's okay for him to do that?

Kids are annoying.

Not you guys. You guys are great.

The point is, I need to establish some boundaries.

I mean, it's one thing if he comes around and I'm around

and he just shows up or whatever.

It's cool. But I need to protect Will time.

- Right? - "Will time."

First, I'm babysitting for two hours.

And then I'm taking him to the movies.

And before you know it, I'm taking him to look at colleges.

I haven't seen a movie since 2008.

I gotta draw some lines here.

It was the duchess.

You know what? I'm not gonna do it.

I'm out. I am done.

I'm gonna tell them that I'm sick.

I'm gonna tell them that I have food poisoning.

Seriously?

You're right. I look too good to be sick.

I'm gonna tell them that I forgot the time.

Dude, you can't cancel. All right?

She's a single mom who just moved to town.

What if something comes up?

You'll get an asiago next thursday.

What's an asiago?

It's just a bagel, sweetie. It's just a bagel.

You dirty vixen!

No one throws fireballs at jago!

I'm so sorry.

Hi!

Marcus said you offered to share your printer.

- No, I did not... - I just thought

- I should make an extra copy... - Ever...

- Of my C.V., just in case. - Say that.

C.V.?

Curriculum vitae.

It's Latin for "the story of my life."

Yeah, I'd go with "resume."

You know, until Latin comes back.

Um, just have a few suggestions

for when you and Marcus are together.

Uh, if you could stay off screens,

that would be good.

TV, computer, video games.

Oh, also, if you could make sure that he doesn't eat

meat, fish, fowl, gluten, sugar, or dairy.

Okay, what... What can he eat?

Well, everything else.

Of course, if he eats a nut, he's dead.

Dead? Dead dead?

- Close enough. - Close enough.

Uh, so this curriculum B.J. of yours,

it, um... It'd a bit untraditional.

- Thank you. - Huh. Yeah.

The nomadic years"?

Oh, yes, that was a period of my life

when I didn't take a traditional job.

I was just exploring life. Do you mind?

Exploring life. Yeah.

You can't put that on a resume.

Why not? I live my life with complete honesty.

- I have nothing to hide. - You really do.

If they didn't like my resume,

why would they have asked me for an interview?

I don't know, but you need to take a step

closer to the world that we're all living in and just lie.

- I don't lie. - Everyone lies.

- Not I. - Okay, George Washington.

- That rebel. - Still bitter?

This is my feelings wheel.

Because we're hanging out together,

I'm coloring in "excited," "comforted," and "fulfilled."

I'm totally fulfilled.

Will, stop!

You're coloring in "total exuberance."

You can't do that.

I've never experienced total exuberance.

Lil Jon... TJ...

Charity, pool.

Okay, h-hold on. Hold on.

Little Jon is having a-a charity pool party...

- Yes! - And TJ got us on the list?

- Yes! - Yes! Yes!

Yes!

No...

Hey, Andy, want to feelings wheel with us?

I'd love to do that, but I gotta go to a party

with rock stars and supermodels

and ice luges, so I'll see you guys.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey, hold on.

Hold on. You're married with kids.

I'm unmarried without kids.

By all rights, I should be the one going to the party.

So I'll pay you 50 bucks to stay here and watch the kid.

Okay, 60 bucks.

I'm gonna send you some pics of me and women

that I have no business talking to.

Andy, you know I live for these parties!

- Bye, Will. - You're killing me!

You know, Will, I was really looking forward to this,

but you've been a grumpy puss the whole time.

Why is hanging out with me any less exciting

than hanging out with those women with bathing suits

that are way too small?

One day, you'll understand.

If you're gonna be like this,

why don't we just go to the party?

Because your mom would kill me.

My mom doesn't have to know.

What, so you're saying you'd lie to your mom?

I've never done it before, but I'll do it for you, Will.

I mean, it is a charity at a swimming pool.

For all we know, there'll be kids there.

Tons of kids.

Lots and lots of little 11-year-old kids

splashing about, and the fact is,

we can't just sit in the house all day

without getting out into the world.

We need to get some sun.

- I am pale. - Disturbingly pale.

Freakishly pale.

- Bro code of silence? - Bro code of silence.

Will, look! High diving*.

Just like at the Dallas YMCA!!

Yeah, uh, Dallas YMCA. That's cool.

No, hot. It's very hot there.