Free Agents

Uh...

- Um... - It's ok--

Sorry.

I was just wondering...

Uh...

I forgot how this works.

Is this part lights on or off?

Whatever.

I'm sorry, but it's just...

How--how am I playing this? I mean, am I staying--

I'll call you a cab.

Oh...Thank you.

Sure.

Wow, that's impressive.

In my limited experience,

I never got past a three-pack, that's--

You're, like, making a statement over there.

I can buy bulk on the Internet?

No, more like, "It's 2011,

"and I'm an independent woman.

"I can buy hundreds of condoms.

Doesn't make me a slut." Heh.

Oh, is that what I was saying?

- Well, I mean-- - Or was I saying, "It's 2010...

I'm gonna buy condoms to have sex with my fiance"?

With--with, um...

- Pete. - Pete.

- Right. - Yes.

And Pete and Pete

and Pete and Pete.

I know, they're stupid.

But we had 'em done just before he died.

I'm...

What the hell?

What are you thinking?

I'm thinking it's my son's birthday next week,

and I'm not gonna be with my kids.

Um...

I'm sorry.

I don't usually do this.

Hi, I need a cab.

Morning. How you doing?

Hey, hey, there you are.

Alex, a little constructive criticism--

You look like hell.

Yeah, thank you.

Uh, I was up kind of late last night.

Bit of a rough night, you know?

Oh, I do know.

- What was her name, bro? - Who?

Oh, n-no. No, no, no, no.

What, you got some?

Yes! Deets!

"Details."

Ink's not even dry on the divorce papers,

and he is back on the horse!

Ooh, can't wait to hear about this.

I--no, really.

There's nothing to tell. I swear.

Good morning, P.R. professionals.

Alex, you look like hell.

He was up all night doing el nasty.

He was just about to tell us about it.

Well, this is a staff meeting at a capitalist enterprise,

and as you may have read,

time is money, so make it fast--

just the good parts.

Uh, I met a woman last night,

and we had wild animal sex all night long, okay?

Was that good for everyone?

Yes, animal sex. W-what kind of animals?

Like panthers, okay? Can we have our meeting now?

What about the body? Physical type,

then a number between one and ten.

And did her underwear pieces match,

- and did she move at all? - And, really, panthers?

Apparently, we differ in our definition

of "good parts."

Just size and shape of breasts,

straight to positions.

Okay, uh...

Boobs were round and enormous.

Positions-- what didn't we do?

Really, the works.

Uh, normal, of course,

dog style, cat style,

uh, reverse crab--

That happened.

Uh, the penitent farmer...

Uh, uh, lazy bus driver,

the turducken-- that was fun.

Oh, the Flying Dutchman, of course,

and, really, that's the limit of my imagination,

because, honestly, I was up late working.

Boo!

Well, points for imagination,

which we now turn to our client, Omdyne,

whose "Live right" division

has an unfortunate little problem with its image.

A salmonella outbreak

at Rose Hill Elementary...

Completely disgusting. So how do we spin this?

Complete denial or blame someone else?

If you'd wanted to try the reverse crab,

you just had to ask.

Various jackasses called for you.

Laura called about parents' night.

Laura called again, same subject.

And Laura called.

Subject-- Well, you get it.

God, all right, would you please tell--

You do get executive assistant, right?

As in not personal. Not for your personal problems.

- I understand-- - Speaking of which,

there's more of those.

Your lawyer called, twice.

And I think this is a person.

- "Sampat"? - Yeah, that's a person.

He's not done painting,

so your new apartment won't be ready till the weekend.

Okay, Emma, can we, like, turn down the sass

maybe one little notch today?

It's not sass. This is how it is.

Lions don't eat deer 'cause they're sassy.

It's called Darwinism.

And now I'm on the phone.

Go for Emma.

Hold on...

- So... - Uh!

Flying Dutchman, eh?

Oh, no. Oh, no. I made that up.

No, no, it's real.

It's like the Mexican Submarine.

Alex, how are you doing?

Oh, you know, things are a bit rough.

I do know.

I've been divorced three times.

I know what it's like.

Your mind's scattered, distracted.

Do you know what I did after my first divorce?

Dropped everything,

went for a few weeks in St. Barts,

took my mind off things.

Well, that sounds great, but, uh...

Nah, you don't have the vacation days, do you?

Or the money-- shame.

There's a spa there

where you've got a Swede working upstairs

while the Thai one uses a chinchilla mitten

on the old cricket pitch.

- Ah. - Anyway...

What you do have is work.

You've been dropping the ball a bit, bum chum.

My advice-- forget about your life.

Get me a "Live right" strategy.

Thanks for coming by.

This is my office.

Right. Let's keep it that way.

You know, I could take off my wedding ring.

I could put bronzer on the tan line.

- No one would even know. - No! No!

- Alex! What's up, bro? - I got an idea, so--

No. Okay?

So, single and on the prowl.

You gotta be psyched, huh?

Actually, more the exact opposite.

Right, yeah. No divorce.

It's a, uh, it's a bummer.

So let's move on. I got a date.

Her friend's cat died. She's coming out with us.

Now I need a wingman.

I mean, this is a great opportunity

for you to just sort of get back on the horse.

And if you can't do it, I could totally do it.

No, Greg. You can't, okay?

A married wingman is just...No.

You could do two wingmen.

- That's a horrible idea. - Um...

Can I think about it? Excuse me a second.

So what if I asked you properly?

About reverse crab? I was kidding.

Uh, everybody keeps telling me

I'm supposed to get back on the horse,

so I was wondering if you'd care to be...

that horse.

That did not come out right.

Was it the crying?

'Cause, I swear, I don't usually cry after sex, really.

Before and during, almost always.

It wasn't that. I like men who cry.

Well, then we should probably get married.

You're gonna be very, very happy.

Alex, you're not ready for a relationship.

We can't talk five minutes

without you going maudlin over your kids

or having an existential crisis or crying.

- Which you said you liked. - Alex...

I don't want you to take this the wrong way,

but you are an absolute mess.

I'm a mess. I'm not absolute.