Asian Persuasion

Books, supplies and clothing.

Furthermore, to pay all camp and summer school expenses.

-Is this acceptable to you, Mr. De Los Santos? -What?

I'm sorry. Uh, what was that again?

Come on, Mickey, after everything,

the least you can do is pay attention to this.

I'm sorry, Avery.

Whatever. I'm, I'm good with whatever she said.

Um, can I just sign?

I mean, where do, where do I sign?

Mr. De Los Santos, these are the final edits.

I'm fine. Really, I'm fine.

I gotta go. I don't wanna be late for Sam.

Do I sign here? Uh...

Mm.

...man?

- You been around all morning? - Yeah.

You tried the-- my new adobo chicken pandesal sandwich?

- It's fire. It's my mom's homemade recipe.

I even bake the bread myself.

I did. Very good.

Pero it needs, uh...

uh, shrimp paste from the Philippines.

Or how about this, uh, Vienna sausage?

Uh? Uh? Now that is what I call a breakfast sandwich.

I don't think anything tastes better with, uh,

-shrimp paste and Vienna sausage. -Oh, come on!

Romy! Romy the homie, what's good?

You know, working on this new TikTok dance.

Just giving my adoring fans what they want.

Check it out.

Can I unsubscribe from that memory?

All right, work on it. I'm working on it. Yeah.

Justin, how's that Manila Mojo roast going?

Bro, it's amazing.

I'm always floored that this coffee actually comes from back home in the PI.

I've never had shit like this when I was growing up. Crazy.

Oh, here, try the pour-over.

Our customers are gonna flip for this.

Mm, this is a good cup of coffee, bro.

I'm telling you. Now we just gotta get the word out

on this new Filipino hotness.

Just, like, get creative

and really promote the hell out of this, you know?

-We could really use the boost in sales, man. -Yeah. I know,

I know, I know, we need more than Tito Ernie

and Romy's dirty-dancing ass to keep the lights on up in here.

Why don't we try this Manila Mojo with ube, milo and coconut milk?

-Put that on the specials. -You got it, boss.

And listen, I go grab Sam.

Is it cool if you just run the shop for the rest of the day?

Yo, don't worry about it. I got you.

Give the little one a hug from Tito Justin.

Thanks, broski.

Yo, Dennis. I told you,

you can't sell your ram-stolen candy outside my store, dude.

-Shouldn't you be in school or something? -Shouldn't you be off

in divorce court or something, crying like a little bitch?

You better check yourself before you wreck yourself, Kris Kross.

Don't want me to call your parole officer.

Daddy!

Missed you! Oh! Uh. Uh.

Pow, pow, whoa!

-Bah! How was school? -Awesome.

Mrs. Denson put me and Tommy Parker in charge of the class crickets.

Oh, yeah? And uh...

Your class has crickets? Ew!

Come on. Don't be such a baby, Daddy.

Tommy gets to take them home this weekend,

-but I get to bring them home with me next weekend. -Oh, yeah?

He was all scared too.

I told him to leave the top open a little

to give the crickets some air, but he was like...

"No, way."

So, I just did it for him anyway.

Sam, you got to stop terrorizing your classmates.

Hey, guess what?

-Chicken butt! -I'm serious. Promise.

No more queen-of-the-jungle antics.

Your principal knows where we live.

Okay, I promise.

So, am I with you tonight or Mom?

With me, silly. You're already with her.

And it's Friday. You know what that means?

Pizza!

Uncle Cas is gonna be with us too. He misses you.

What? Oh, yes. I can't wait to see him.

- And then we'll have pepperoni pizza. - -Yeah.

Man, why didn't you get a lawyer?

She literally wiped you clean.

Did you even think how much you owe now?

It's not that bad.

Wow, for an Asian, you're really bad at math.

Well, for a best friend, you really suck at the whole best-friend thing.

I'm just calling it as I see it.

Look, I just need to get this whole thing behind me.

It's been over two years, and...

I'll just find a way to make it work.

Well, it's gonna be a lot of fucking lattes.

Hey, Uncle Cas, I heard that.

Oh! You don't think that my little ponies don't curse?

Those horses, they all got butt tattoos.

Cas!

Yeah, Cas?

-Sam? -What?

Uncle Cas started it first.

Oh, yeah? But guess what.

It's time for bed, little feisty.

-Come on. -Oh, but Dad.

Don't "Oh, but Dad" me. I need you to wash up,

brush your teeth, let's go.

Man, she is hilarious.

You're so lucky to have that girl.

Yeah, she's really the best thing I had going.

That's why I got to get this behind me, so I have more time

to focus on Sam and the coffee shop.

I know, man, I wish it were that easy.

But did you even think about how you're gonna pay off that alimony?

It's, like, half of what you earn,

plus child support,

and you're a few months behind on rent.

Look, let's not overthink this.

Things always have a way of working themselves out.

Oh, yeah, how's that working out for you?

Man, fuck you.

No, seriously.

Just take a look at the numbers.

You have a better chance of going back in time, fucking Madonna,

and discovering the Internet than you do paying off that debt.

You know, you really got a way with words. You should consider

writing the Sunday homilies for St. Cecilia's

instead of being a bartender.

Oh, where would all my adoring fans

get a taste of their sexy Korean king?

How you don't have herpes or a sexually-transmitted

Asian bird flu by now is beyond me.

Haven't you ever thought about, like, a real relationship, really?

Right, and how's that working out for you?

Again, fuck you, and point taken.

Come on, let's get under the covers.

Cutie, tell me, what's on the playlist for tonight?

You're so not ready for this, Dad. Check this beat.

Yeah, I like that.

What, oh-- Wait. Dad, who's Deney Terrio?

Dance Fever. That's what Google's for.

Okay, I love you.

I love you a million kabillion, kazzillion.

I love you too, Daddy.

Bro, tell me what you think of this girl.

She flies for Singapore Airlines.

Man, I gotta fly Asian more often.

Man, why are you looking at that shit on my computer?

You know that Sam does her book reports on there.

Plus, why you pretend all of a sudden you start dating Asian girls?

Zebra doesn't change the stripes,

especially not a nasty man-whore zebra out here

trying doggy-style the other albino zebras around the watering hole.

Man, you know what? That really hurts.

Truth hurts. Turn that shit off.

- Man, you know what your problem is? - Huh?

Yeah, you're still stressing about the lawyers.

You need me to make you drink.

-I got the good shit tonight. -No, no, no,

I gotta be responsible. I got Sam tonight.

Oh, come on. Don't be a little bitch. It's just a drink.

Okay, maybe just one. That's it.

Oh, man, my head feels like your mom's seat cushion

on our last flight back to Korea.

Oh, well...

...your mama.

No, man, wicked burn.

Oh, look at this mess.

Wait, is that weed?

-Did we smoke weed last night? -Mm-hmm.

Oh, shit, we need to clean this up before Sam gets up.

We need to, we need to open these windows up.

We need to air this place out.

Wait.

-I was already waiting. -No, bro, what is this?

What the fuck?

Oh, man, don't hang this on me, man.

I didn't even know you had drugs here, Pablo.

Man, you really do surprise me, bro.

You're a lot more fun than you look.

Fuck, what in the actual fuck? Oh, my God!

Wait, you actually don't remember making that last night?

-What? -Yeah.

It was, like, your idea. You were like...

"What if we just get her remarried?

Then I wouldn't have to pay this bullshit alimony anymore."

Dude, I, I...

What if she finds out? What if Sam finds out?

-We need to erase this, like, now! -No!

-Li-- -Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hang on. Hang on.

Dude,

take a look at all the hits we got

just from posting last night.

No, seriously, think of it.

Last night,

it may have been a joke, but, like,