Mike & Molly

I noticed you been eating a lot of oatmeal lately.

Yeah, it's nutritious,

filling, and the extra fiber

helps keep the intestinal train running on time.

Mmm.

Well, I hope today we're near a gas station

when the Mike Biggs choo-choo ***

squeezing into that construction site porta-potty

would not have been my first choice either.

I will say that's the fastest

I've ever seen you go over a fence.

30 seconds later, you would've seen me go through a fence.

If I cannot pay my rent, I will have no place to live!

You are killing me!

- Samuel? - What?!

Could I get just a smidge more Brown sugar for my oatmeal?

Abe has promised me a raise every month for two years.

But do I ever see an extra dollar in my paycheck?

No, I do not!

That's rough.

Could you also grab me a handful of raisins?

Hang on, Mike. I think we got a brother in distress here.

I guess we know which one of you

will be the first to make detective.

Carl, stay out of it.

What's the problem, man?

The landlord has increased my rent,

and I'm going to be evicted

if I don't get the raise I was promised!

You need me to have a word with your boss?

Carl...

What? I can talk to these fat cats.

Remember, I was our precinct's

union representative for two years running.

Yes, but it was supposed to be a four-year term.

And thanks to me, there are now new rules in place

about the early removal of a union rep.

Go tell Abe I need to talk to him.

Samuel, I implore you.

Do not let Carl speak on your behalf.

What's the big deal? I'm just going to reason with him.

Go get Abe.

Carl, you're my best friend in the world,

but you're a hothead and a loudmouth.

That's just when we have to play "good cop, bad cop."

It's actually more "embarrassed cop

and source of embarrassment cop."

What's the problem?

Something wrong with your free food?

Listen, Abe, I think you and Samuel need to talk, you know?

Create an open dialogue.

Is this in any way to be considered

official police business?

No, just helping out a friend.

Then bye-bye, Johnny law.

You going to be a troublemaker?

'Cause I don't need a troublemaker.

Hey, he's just a working man standing up for his rights.

I wait tables, I wash dishes, I take out the trash.

And all I want in return

is the salary increase that you promised me.

Economic climate was much different

when I make that promise.

Market crash! Financial world go topsy-turvy.

This is not Morgan Stanley, this is bacon and eggs!

I don't have time for this nonsense.

- You go bus tables. - Don't you move.

All right, all right. Everybody just calm down.

Oh, oh.

Now you going to get in my face, too, huh, big boy?

Never pay for one meal, now you're going to tell me

how to run my business?

Hey, if you want me to pay for my food, I'm happy to.

Oh, sure. Now.

Nothing but oatmeal and a dinner salad.

Pay for days before diet.

The three milkshake, pork chop, apple pie days.

Carl, this is none of our business.

All Sammy wants is a little bit of a raise

so he can pay his rent.

This is a tough economic times.

Every American must tighten belt.

Good luck to you.

He's not asking for a handout.

- He just wants the raise he was promised. - Walk away.

You send the goons with the guns to threaten me, huh?

Whoa, whoa, whoa. That's not what we're doing.

You are bad news.

Guess what? You don't work here anymore.

- You're firing me? - You can't do that.

I can, and I did.

You poke stick at cobra, you get the fangs!

And your days of free breakfasts are over,

Crockett and tubbs.

Oh, wonderful. No job, no home.

I'm sorry, man.

I'd invite you to stay at my place, but...

Grandma doesn't let me have sleepovers.

Oh, man, I just wanted some oatmeal.

All right, the couch is yours till you get your own place.

Thank you.

Not a lot of rules here.

I'd appreciate you wearing flip-flops in the shower

so we don't swap each other's foot fungus.

Got it.

Also, the bathroom sink is not a drinking fountain.

There is a cup in the holder,

which I would prefer that you didn't drink from.

Anyway, make yourself at home.

I'm headed over to Molly's for dinner.

Tell her hello for me.

Will do.

Help yourself to whatever's in the fridge.

Just steer clear of the frozen Milky Way

I got hid behind the ice trays.

I'm not going to eat it, but I like knowing it's there.

Mike, I'm sorry I didn't take your advice today.

Yeah, well, I told you not to listen to Carl.

I know. He talks a good game,

but you are clearly the brains of the team.

Forgive me for not seeing it sooner.

Aw, don't beat yourself up about it.

We've all taken his bad advice from time to time.

There was a two-week period where I had spiky blond hair

and a soul patch.

Well, have a nice time tonight.

You deserve an evening of friends and good food.

Plus it will give me the opportunity to sit here alone,

contemplating where my life went so horribly wrong.

Everybody could use a little "me" time.

Samuel, would you...

I'll get my coat. Okay.

Did you get enough to eat, Samuel?

I am perfectly satiated. Dinner was delightful.

What did you call that dish again?

Pot roast. You serve it at Abe's. I had it Wednesday.

Listen, I know things seem pretty grim right now,

but I'm sure something will turn up.

You know, when I first graduated from cosmetology school,

there were no jobs anywhere.

And I thought, "oh, my God.

I just wasted three weeks of my life."

So how did you find work?

Two words: Right place, right time.

That's actually four words...

You know what? Just...

Anyway,

I was dating this funeral director, and one day

I was taking a little "disco nap" in a empty casket.

You know, like you... like you do.

Uh-huh.

And a client came in and thought I looked very natural,

and asked who did my makeup.

I popped up and said, "that would be me, hon."

Well, before that woman came to,

I was embarking on an exciting new career...

Cosmetician to the recently deceased.

See? Is those kinds of inspirational stories

that brought me to this country.

That one made it all the way to Africa, huh?

Can I get you another glass of wine?

Well, how could I say no to a woman as beautiful as you?

Oh, my God, you're so charming.

I can't believe you're unemployed and homeless.

I know you'll find a job,

and I know Mike is happy to have you stay at his place

until you get back on your feet.

Well, hopefully I can accomplish that in the next 48 hours.

You said hit the bricks in two days, right?

Mike?

I'm just trying to keep a fire lit under his ass.

Oh...

He's here most of the time anyway,

so you can have his place as long as you need it.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, let's not get carried away.

Oh, really? You're giving me that face?

Samuel,

you're welcome to stay at my place for as long as you need.

Thank you, Mike.

You know, sometimes I think your body is so big

just to accommodate the size of your heart.

Oh, what a beautiful way to say "you're fat."

So...

What is the deal with Molly's sister?

Hands off. She's already got a boyfriend without a job.

Well, I just thought, if she's half as wonderful as Molly is...

All right, look. I'm onto you, pal.

I see the little game you're playing.

What game, Mike?

I'm simply commenting on what a lucky man you are.

Yeah, I get it.

: I have so much, and you have so little.

Is that supposed to be me?

: Yes, it is.

: And don't pretend like that accent

doesn't thicken up like gravy when there are women around.

You know, perhaps it is better

if I just wander the streets till morning.

Abe's opens at 5:00.

Oh, wait. I can't go there anymore.