M*A*S*H

This thing has knocked out more guys than Joe Louis.

The winner and still champeen.

Captain, may I be excused from this detail?

My nylons are baggin' all around the knees.

‐Get bigger knees. ‐Corporal,

you're gonna have to do a better job than this.

I want this floor clean enough to eat off of.

That's easy. It's already cleaner

than the tables in the mess.

Keep scrubbing!

Ah, what a festive mood people get in

‐at the G.I. party. ‐Oh, shut up.

Now, Major Houlihan, I hope you and your nurses are doing a good job.

We can hold up our end. Why don't you go and hold up yours?

Very well. When you finish checking that machine, check it again.

Frank, how long are you gonna be here?

‐Ten minutes. ‐Wake me when he's gone.

Those tanks aren't even connected!

I told you this was a tankless job.

Oh, you crazy guy!

Frank, go make yourself useful.

I'm a supervisor. I don't have to be useful.

Well, you're doing a great job.

Oh, go stuff a goose.

Put a little elbow grease into that, Corporal!

I'm all outta elbow grease.

‐Don't talk back to me! ‐Yes, sir!

You did that on purpose, you Lebanese lout!

Hold it. What's goin' on here, Burns?

I saw the whole thing.

Frank tried to eat Klinger's mop.

Burns, I put you in charge of this detail.

He's doin' a great job, Colonel.

He's already washed his face and his shirt.

‐At the same time. ‐Why is it taking so long?

Well, nobody's following orders,

and they're all grumpy.

Not true. I'm Grumpy.

‐He's Sneezy. ‐He's Bashful.

‐She's Dopey. ‐Go watch your mouth.

Okay, just get it done. Let's all try to get along.

I had a long little doggie once.

‐It was a dachshund. ‐Oh, a little hot dog.

‐What happened to him? ‐He got mustard out.

I relish these conversations.

Oh, will you knock off the silliness?

Oh, knock yourself off, goofball.

I was invited to the Goof Ball,

but I didn't have a thing to wear.

Oh, Colonel, they're making me sick.

Me too.

Please, I just mopped the floor!

And look at it! It's filthy!

That's right. Criticize my work.

I mop my heart out, and that's all the thanks I get?

Don't talk back to me! I'm an officer!

But you're no gentleman.

‐(laughter) ‐Oh, can it, nurses!

Check the surgical packs.

Checking, checking. Checking packs like crazy.

Put a lid on it!

It's been this way all day, sir.

‐No discipline. ‐Okay, okay.

Let's all try to work together,

make the best of it.

I'm getting out of here.

Now you heard the Colonel.

Have fun!

Yeah.

‐Oh. ‐Ooh.

Hi, Father!

Any luck, Father?

We have a winner here. I found the mail.

Bingo. You're a genius.

Oh, not really.

Mail's just in time.

Everybody's chewing each other up.

Oh, heavens. I have another surprise.

Don't tell me. You got Mildred in one of your bags.

No, Colonel. It's that movie you requested.

Your favorite Western.

Hot damn! Things are lookin' up.

Never mind what I told you before!

Forget the instrument packs and clean these shelves.

They're filthy. There's dirt all over them.

‐All right. ‐Come on now. Step on it!

Frank, if you say "Step on it" one more time,

‐I'll step on you. ‐Well, then, move it, then!

‐Move it! ‐Shut up, Frank!

Nurses, will you pipe down?

I can't hear myself yell.

Mind your own business, Captain. I'll handle this.

You're messing up my floor!

Will you quit walking on my clean floor?

RADAR (on P. A.): Attention, all personnel.

Colonel Potter would like to address the personnel personally.

There you go, sir. Just keep your finger on that button.

Thank you, Corporal. Ahem. This is good news.

I know you've been working your butts off‐‐

Excuse me.

And you're all as itchy as a dog at a flea circus.

First of all, there's mail.

‐Oh, mail! All right! ‐What's mail?

That oughta cheer you up.

And after supper in the mess tent,

I've got a big treat for everybody‐‐

something you're all gonna love to see.

‐Gypsy Rose Lee! ‐Doing a fan dance.

It's my kind of entertainment.

My all‐time favorite movie.

Now, I'm saving the title till show time.

After chow in the Mess Tent.

So bye‐bye and buy bonds.

Oh, I shouldn't have said that.

Oh, uh, take your finger off the button.

‐What? ‐They can hear what you're saying.

‐Oh. ‐I'd better handle this.

Ahem. Uh, Colonel Potter is now finished

with his message to the 4077.

See, sir, if you don't take your finger off‐‐

‐I know. I just forgot. ‐Oh.

Hey, Beej, you got a pen?

Why? Somebody mail you a pig?

I need something to write with.

Here, try this. But I think it's out of ink.

Very cute.

Hey, Frank, lend me your pen.

No, thank you, pal.

‐What do you mean, no? ‐N‐O, no.

‐Why not? ‐Because you'll ruin it.

The point's used to the way I write.

It's used to stupid?

Oh, stuff it in your Val‐pak.

Hey, Hawk, guess what Peg sent me.

‐A pony? ‐No.

A Dutch apple crumb pie. It's delicious.

Try some.

Mmm‐mmm.

This is really crummy.

Yeah, I know.

I mean, it's awful.

What? You gotta be kidding.

Would a dying man kid? Agh!

Geez, Frank, let me have some of that shoe polish.

What for?

I want to get this rotten taste out of my mouth.

You have no taste.

I did before I had that pie.

All right, I'll eat it all myself.

I'll be one of your pallbearers.

Just don't bury me in that shirt

you brought me from Seoul.

You're knocking my gift?

I picked that shirt out myself.

No wonder it's irregular.

What do you mean?

I mean one sleeve is longer than the other.

No, no, no, no, no. That's not true.

Eh.

Wear it yourself.

I will. I'm gonna put on this lovely shirt

and go visit the nurses in it.

There.

Perfect.

Nothing wrong with this shirt.

Creep.

‐WOMAN: Who is it? ‐Quasimodo.

‐What do you want? ‐I'm here to ring your bells.

‐Come in. ‐Ladies.

‐Hi. ‐Hi, Hawkeye.

On behalf of the officers and gentlemen of the 4077th

and myself, I cordially invite you

to dinner and a movie

in what is accurately called the mess tent.

‐Please R. S. V. P. In this ear. ‐No.

This ear does not accept no for an answer.

Well, I'm sorry. That's the only answer this mouth has.

Where are you going?

We've been invited to dinner at I‐Corps.

Wine, tablecloths, silverware.

Pilots.

What does a pilot have that I haven't got?

‐A plane. ‐Why settle for a plain

when you can have a fancy?

We're tired of this place,

and we're tired of the same people.

We wanna see somebody fresh for a change.

I've always been fresh with you.

Not tonight.

‐What if I got on my hands and knees? ‐No.

‐What if I got on your hands and knees? ‐Not a chance.

Well, I'm not gonna ask again. A man has to have some dignity.

‐(knocking) ‐Yes?

It's me‐‐ Frank.

Oh, what do you want? I'm busy.

I wanted to talk to you.

Oh, all right.

Well, I was wondering if‐‐

Frank, you can come in.

‐I can? ‐Yes.