In Living Color

- How you livin'? - What?

- How you livin'? - What?

Listen up, people. I am here, and I wanna help.

This is our planet. Can I get a hurrah?

What am I? Invisible? Doesn't anybody care?

Listen to me!

Uh, I want one with relish.

And I want mine with, um, mustard.

I want you to stop this insanity.

What do you think you're doing?

- I'm trying to make a living here! - And the planet is dying.!

Listen. I can't get a pulse.

What the hell are you talkin' about?

There are 50,000 hot dog cows in Kansas alone!

- So? - So?

When those cows break wind, not only is it stinky...

but it's cutting a hole in the ozone!

Think of those hot dogs as one cubic foot of cow gas.

Bon appétit.

That's it. See? We can make a difference.

I'll make a difference in your face if you don't get outta here!

Oh, the truth hurts, doesn't it, Captain Carnivore?

Okay, little Ricky, now break the piñata.

No! Parents, don't do it.

Don't teach the children how to kill.

This is genocide.!

This is a birthday party. Would you get lost?

Smoke screen, smoke screen, so the truth can not be seen.

Listen, kids, first you hit a piñata, next thing you know, you're clubbing baby seals!

This is real, children. These are the killing fields.

The piñatas are piling up. Are you with me?

The hell with you, then!

Hey, hey, hey. Hey, man. If you don't get outta here, I will call the police.

I oughta whip your ass!

You've been eating hamburger, haven't you?

I swear I could just strangle you!

Whose is this?

Hey, man. Give me the ball!

Do you know what's in this thing?

Air.

Of course there's air!

Lots of air that we could be breathing! Free the air!

- - Hey!

Go, little airs, go! Go! Hurry!

Fly away! Fly away!

Are you crazy. Give me my ball!

Good boy, Bruiser.

Oh, you poor ignoramus, what are you doing?

I'm taking care of my dog's business.

You can't put his doodie in a plastic bag. It's not biodegradable.

- All I wanna do is get rid of it. - No!

Save the feces to feed the planet!

You people make me so exasperated.!

I could just rub your nose in it, but it'd be such a waste!

By the way, cut down on the kibble.

Oh, thank you! You're here!

Uh, what seems to be the problem?

The problem is...

I'm trying to teach these people how to embrace the planet and they're not listening!

It's insanity. I swear, it just makes me crazy!

I wish somebody would just reach out and do something. I'm running out of breath.

Listen.

- I don't want any trouble. Why don't you just move along? - Ah!

Does somebody have a camcorder?

- All right. That's enough. - Don't touch me. I'm a vegetarian.

Oh!

We've got to stop them, people!

We've got to stop them!

We all have five pounds of undigested Bundt cake in our colons!

You're only as clean as your colon!

Well, I guess it all started 'cause my dad used to keep pot in the house.

I'd sneak into the bathroom, smoke a few. I was nine years old.

I guess I just did it to be cool. Know what I mean?

Hey, man, you nodding off?

Snap out of it. I'm tryin'to talk to you about smokin'pot.!

Oh, young lady, you don't wanna do that. You wanna say no to the drugs.

That's why you called us here today, to talk about our experiences.

This one time, I was smoking a roach.

Mmm. That's really cruel. Why not just turn the lights on and yell, "Raid!"

They always scatter.

No. You see, I was holding the roach with my clip.

Oh, she brought a clip. Sandy, kick it.

No, I'm saying I was nine, and I was already doin' reefer.

Just like Clarence Thomas.

You know, he did it at a young age, and look at him today.

I think we got a superstar on the horizon.

Sandra Day O'Connor, watch yourself. Yes.

So, anyway, I was gettin' stoned in my room all the time, skippin' school...

sellin' my parent's stuff just so I could buy more.

You ever watched somebody roll a joint? You really don't want none.

First of all, it looks like they're pourin' some dirt in the toilet paper.

Then they lick it with their big-ass lips...

then hand it to you.

No, thank you. Just spit on me.

Let me ask you somethin'. Did you ever get to the hard stuff?

- No, no. Just the small stuff. - Oh, strive to be number one.

Let's give a big coke-booger round of applause to Anice.

- Yes. Come back when you're doin' crack. Give it up! -

Now, I haven't read the milk carton...

but my people tell me this next juvenile delinquent...

is givin' Danny Bonaduce a big run for his money.

Yes. He's gone beyond a transvestite.

Ethan, tell us all about it.

I was 12 years old, and it all started with weed.

Mmm. I love that movie, Ethan. Yes, Nick Nolte is one of my favorite stars.

Did you see him in 48 Hrs. one and two? He and Eddie are magic.

Not as much as me and Eddie, oh, but I love Nick Nolte.

I don't think you understand. I was smoking weed.

Let me ask you somethin'. Why do people do pot?

All it does is make you laugh at everything.

When you're finished, you're tired, feel stupid about doin' it.

Kinda like watchin' my show.

Let me ask you somethin', Ethan. You're a young man.

You're smoking weed. What are you, 12 years old?

Doin' things that kids do.

You ever find yourself just freakin' out?

- Thinkin' maybe Super Mario is comin' to get you? - No.

Pac-Man's tryin' to eat you?

Pac-Man's after me! Pac-Man's after me!

Well, how about you, young lady?

Now, you're on top of the missin' person charts...

turnin' tricks for cigarettes, prostitution.

At your age, you ever ask yourself, what's next?

Feel like you're gettin' blasé?

I don't know what you're talking about. I'm just waiting for my Mom.

Oh, and I bet she's one bad mama jama.

If she looks anything like you, I'm sendin' Paula Abdul back to the fat farm. Yes.

Does your mom turn tricks?

I know. Bad host, bad host.

Let's bring it back around to my man, Ethan.

When did you start to say "no"?

Well, I guess it was when I just looked at my life.

I said, "Geez," you know. I was livin' in a bus depot.

- - I washed my clothes in the sewer.

- - Smelled like it, too.

- What's so funny? -

What is so funny?

Nothin'. Just thinkin' about my new haircut. Look like Gumby with a Jeri Curl.

Oh.

Let me ask you a question to all of you.

- You ever do anything illegal? - Yeah.

Well, let's say hello to my mystery guest tonight, L.A.P.D. In the house! Yes!

What do you mean? You said you'd teach us a lesson, Arsenio.

A very valuable lesson, Ethan.

If someone ever asks, do you do anything illegal, just say no! Remember that!

- Just say no! -

Strive to be number one!