Ugly Americans

They say that you'll never be bored

if you're treating life as an adventure.

Ha!

Oo-ah!

On the other hand, you'll also probably die

quite a bit sooner.

Mummy.

You're awake!

You're looking as radiant as the day you died.

Son, I have risen from the dead

to deliver a message.

Your toupee looks like my bush in the '70s.

But that's why I thought you'd like it!

Gah!

Doesn't today feel wonderful,

like a rainbow wrapped in a screaming orgasm?

That's an interesting metaphor.

But you're right.

It is a big day.

A very important day,

a day for celebrating

with an egg-cano!

Wow, an egg-cano.

You went all out.

Look out.

The egg-cano is erupting again.

"Oh, God, egg-cano

"where no one expected, in the heart of New York!

Ooh, look out, Anne Heche!"

Hi, Toby.

What's going on?

Mark, how much is... The bus?

How much was it yesterday?

$1.50.

So how much do you think

it will be today?

I don't know.

I want you to figure this out

on your own, Toby.

I'll see you in class.

Don't forget your present.

You know how important today is to me.

Wait, Mark.

The bus is coming.

Mark.

Ooh, did you say "present"?

Who could that be for?

Oh, wouldn't you like to know.

It's a surprise.

And it would mean everything to me

if you would be there at 1:00 P.M. sharp.

Oh, should I bring my camera?

I was just thinking that.

We are gonna want to remember this day.

He can have the rest for lunch.

I holstered my gun.

We disposed of the body.

That concludes the minutes

from last week's meeting.

On to new business.

Gah!

Last night my mother, a mummy, awoke from the dead.

I know. It's unbelievable.

Ahh!

Mother was always disappointed with my lack of ambition.

She died thinking I was a failure.

So during her visit,

we're going to trick her

into believing I'm running the d.O.I.,

that Leonard is my manservant,

and that Callie is my beautiful but icy and distant wife.

If you think I'm sleeping with you...

In exchange for your cooperation,

I want you to open the box beneath your seat

and keep what's inside.

It's like Oprah's favorite things!

That's a priceless artifact

that's been in our family for centuries.

You can sell it and buy yourself a decent skirt

that goes all the way to the floor.

Sex is back on the table.

The world's oldest whiskey.

It's not for drinking, of course.

Sa-mooth!

There's nothing here.

Wait, is it a car?

Show me a Pontiac aztec, Oprah!

They don't make that model anymore.

We're all agreed he's a horrible liar.

We'll store him in the closet for the day.

Shh, shh.

Surprise!

Sorry I'm late. Got the camera.

Brought some oxycontin too.

Figured we'd just get weird and see what happens.

Ahhh, sorry folks. False alarm.

Forgot Randall was coming.

Forgot?

What's going on?

It's a surprise party for Doug's birthday.

Thanks for taking pictures.

So this isn't for me?

Of course not.

Go stand in the corner

and make sure you get

Doug's delighted expression when he walks in.

Surprise!

Get him off! So sharp! Get him off!

Happy Birthday, Doug.

Happy Birthday, Mr. Teddy Bear.

I'll see you at home when you're done with work.

Randall, what is wrong?

If something is bothering you, I want to--

hope you like your eggs over-ass .

Ugh.

Food is the fight!

Yah!

Guh. I'm diabetic.

Oh, quick.

Someone run Erik's Insulin program!

Oh, no! You got icing all over my pastie.

Mm-hmm.

Mummy! Welcome.

This is where I do my important bossifying.

Ah, the heads I've lopped off from behind this desk.

Your son is a cruel employer, madame.

Lick my boot, you pathetic worm.

Ahh!

And my lovely though cold wife, Callie.

You'll notice her breasts are engorged with milk.

This happens in the first trimester.

You're going to be a grand-mummy.

What?

She's not pregnant.

She's fat.

Is she a beard?

Don't be ridiculous, mummy.

The missus and I are like a couple of horny teenagers.

Let's give 'em a show, tits.

Mm, mm.

Pathetic. That's no way to kiss a man.

Ahh!

Did you catch my tongue work?

You have to really thrash around in my boy's mouth

to hold his attention.

And meet Twayne,

the mental deficient I keep on hand

for entertainment.

Dance, freak!

I've seen enough.

You're a disgrace.

Look at the dregs you surround yourself with.

But mummy's back.

And from now on, she'll be running your life,

since you clearly can't do it for yourself.

Come, gimp.

To the nearest cocktail lounge!

Heyah!

Wow, that was some birthday party.

Doug can really rage.

Randall, are you okay?

Um, what is with the cupcake?

It's our one-year anniversary of moving in together.

And you forgot.

Oh, is that a thing?

Every roommate couple I know celebrates it.

I'm sorry.

I've been caught up with work lately.

Not "lately." All the time.

All day long you're with class.

All night long you're with Callie.

You're not roommates with me.

You're roommates with work.

How can you say that?

There is no one I'd rather live with.

How would you know?

You might have detailed files on Doug and Toby,

but you don't know the first thing about me.

Quick, how do I wear my pubes?

Shave, trim, or full bush?

No idea.

But I do know your favorite color is purple.

Green!

I rest my case.

And for the record, I have a kid 'n play:

Kid on top, play on the bottom.

But I guess you don't remember that,

even though I wake you up every day to show you.

I hear what you're saying.

And I promise I will be a better roommate

in year two.

Now let's sign that new lease.

Oh!

I think maybe it would be best

if we went month to month for a little while.

Listen, let me make it up to you.

I'll take a personal day tomorrow,

and I will devote it to getting to know my roommate better.

Is that a promise?

Promise.