Cougar Town

All right, a couple of beers

And a white wine with half an ice cube for princess.

Jules, I am liking the new boyfriend.

You ever notice how you can tell how a guy is in bed

Just by looking at him? Oh, for sure.

That guy screams out his own name.

That guy doesn't make love. He makes love. Ooh.

Hey, dude. Slow down.

We actually like it longer than five seconds.

this is a stupid game.

That guy over there is clumsy in bed,

But he tries really hard, and he's very well-endowed. Whoa. Who's that?

Hey, gang. Hey.

Congratulations. Thank you.

For what?

See, that's why dating is easier for women.

You guys know what you're getting. It is hard to be a single man out there.

No, it is so much harder to be a single woman.

So much harder. You guys read "cathy"?

Look, when it comes to sex, women are the gatekeepers.

That's why it's easier for you.

You get to decide when and if it's happening.

And in fact, if you were to call a total stranger,

Ask him to have sex, he will say yes.

Please. No, he wouldn't.

I would. I'm gonna do it. Okay, here we go.

And speakerphone.

Loser picks up the tab. I-I like that.

hello? Oh!

Oh, god. Um, hi.

Hi. Um, will you have sex with me?

no.

Uh, sure. Ohh!

Whoo! Yes.

Okay, what is your deal, man?

No, I think you need to look deeper.

Honey, you deserve more than that.

Oh. Shorts and a-a little blue button-down. Why? Okay.

It's really strange that you're still talking to that guy.

Tom, I gotta call you back.

Okay. Hey, good luck on your interview. Bye.

So look, there's nothing good on tv tonight.

I thought it'd be fun to play a little scrabble. Oh, scrabble.

Mm-hmm. Okay.

Um, or we could...

Spell this.

You sexed up jeff because you didn't want to play scrabble?

You love scrabble. Yeah, but jeff--he's, like, "good will hunting" smart.

If matt damon weren't married and if he weren't a movie star

And if he lived in this town, I really think we would date.

That's a lot of "ifs." yet not enough.

I'm just not ready for jeff to know how dumb I am.

I me, not yet. Oh, yeah, no.

You know why I dig my girlfriend?

It's because from day one,

She's been completely honest with me about who she is.

travis, let me teach you

A little something about women.

When a girl starts to date a guy, I mean,

At first, she likes to let him think that she's a certain way

Or that she likes certain things, like superhero movies

Or, uh, morning sex. Ew.

bleh. but then you get married and the mask comes off

And you find out what your wife is really like. Ta-da!

There's something veryweet and soft about you, mrs. Torres. Thank you.

Ellie and I have to go to the dermatologist.

Laurie, you have to meet withur banker. no.

Yes, and I want you to wear that suit that I picked out.

But this time, please put a shirt under it. Sha!

All right. We're off to the meanest doctor in the world. Ugh. She is the worst.

If she's the worst, why go to her? Because she's the best. Der.

Do you think every single person is here for botox?

Welcome to the time machine, ladies.

Which of the many fine doctors here are you seeing? Uh, dr. Evans. You?

The other 12.

See you in two days, when I emerge from my chrysalis.

ugh. Dr. Evans is so scary.

What is your strategy to deal with her? Oh, I'm totally submissive. I avoid eye contact,

I keep my head down and mumble softly at any direct questions.

I'm gonna go with straight-up nice.

First I'm gonna hit her with a "great hair,"

Then I'll knock her back with a "you smell nice"

And finally, "you got a sexy, smoky voice."

Ka-bam! I've killed her with kindness.

Oh, you got your guns with ya. Oh, yeah, I brought 'em. Mm.

You know why I love your way? Why?

It's so who you are. Hell, I'm a strong person.

I'm gonna be strong, too. "ellie torres." where is ellie torres?

um, I'm right here, dr. Evans.

Did you just say something? No, I didn't say anything. Sorry.

All right, go to my office. You've got a smoky, sexy voice!

Okay, you need to take your perky dial

And turn it down a few thousand notches.

Okay, normally I would kick you out of my office,

But you've got a lot of things going on here,

Which is good, 'cause mama needs a new steam shower.

Any questions? I'm just gonna wait right here.

You smell nice. That's the smell of confidence.

Wow. I've never seen you wear so few colors at once

I feel like that lady that comes to your house

Every six months when you're a kid

And decides whether or not you get to keep living there.

Ugh. Can I get a beer? Ooh. Get me one, too.

Whoa! And you in a suit. What is going on?

Black is white. Yin is yang.

Hot is cold. Devito's tall. Jon is kate.

Seriously, if you pay for this, I think my heart will stop.

You're safe. My new girlfriend bought this for me.

Sweedeal--she buys me things, and in return,

When we're in the sack, I try to hang in there

For longer than five minutes. Mm. I have to go. I ha a stupid meeting at the bank.

Well, aren't, uh, all meetings at banks a little stupid?

Why is that funny?

You okay? It's been a while since I wore I tie.

I keep thinking someone's trying to strangle me. So I was thinking about getting some botox,

But, uh, I want to keep a natural look.

What--what would you do? Oh, I wouldn't do anything.

But obviously, I don't get work done on my face.

I'm not judging. It's just--I guess

I just feel secure enough as a woman that I don't need

To inject poison into my head. But that's just me.

Well, it's nice not to judge. Okay. I'll look over here.

You have a lot of degrees.

I'm a doctor. That's how it works.

Where'd you go to school? Well, I started at u.F.,

And then I took a little break to have a baby. When did you get your degree?

I'm currently still on break.

But I started my own business. I'm in real estate.

Oh, I got my real estate license online one morning

When I was trying to avoid fees for my second home.

Yeah. But I get it. I get it. Real estate's what you do

When you have no other options,?

I guess it's like being a stripper,

Except you get to see your face on a bus bench.

Well, not this face, of course, but the airbrushed version.

When you string that many mean thoughts together,

I lose my breath just a little bit.

Well, this is going to burn like a mother.

It was, uh, it was nice meeting you.

My name's smith. Laurie. Laurie.

I mean, I thought he was cute,

But what kind of a tool goes by his last name? Right?

Smith is his first name.

That's a first name-last name situation. I love those.

Smith's family owns that giant house over on rose street,

You know, the one that looks like a hotel? Wait. That hotel?

It's actually a house. The one that's next to the hotel?

We are not getting anywhere here. Look, dude is loaded.

Message received, my friend.

Smith! Ha.

Hey, little man.

I heard ellie and the gang dropped some knowledge on ya.

Apparently all women are liars.

Does this mean my girlfriend

Doesn't really love my short stories? Of course not, trav. Nobody does.

Do you really wanna understand women?

I feel like this is heading to a bad place.

I'm gonna teach you about women. there it is.

Look at me. I'm a schlubby guy yet I got a hot wife.

I made that happen.

See the guy over there? He's better-looking than me,

But his wife is not as hot as mine.

If we were to make eye contact, he'd know who won. Hey, guys.

Hey, babe.

Ah, that's right, bitch.

This is the last time I bring your mail over.

bill, bill.

Hey, you look a little, uh...

Younger? Prettier?

All right. Well, I better. I had the worst morning with this evil doctor.

She was, like, queen bitch of the universe.

Oh, come on!

I like "queen bitch." makes me sound like leader of the gays.

Well, this is a surprise, of some sort.

Oh, I met robert at the golf course.

I Lost me-- -she got pissed off

And threw it in that nasty pond on the third hole.

I dove in and got it.

In return, amy treated my bite from an angry goose. You see, um, goose saliva is full of bacteria.

Yes, I know that, dr. Evans.

I may not have your fancy degrees,

But I know about a lot of things.

I didn't realize that goose spit was such a touchy area.

Now you know. Calm down, j-bird.

After all, you're the one that busted in on us.

You know, if the boat's a-rockin'-- please don't finish.

But it's fun to finish. You'll live.

You know, you certainly have a lot to say.

What is your relationship? I'm his ex-wife.

I'm sorry. I wasn't listening.

I-I think I missed a few deep frown lines.

Well, I'll come by on Monday. I'm closed Monday.

Don't come a-knockin'.

Sorry.

So you up for going out tonight?

Sure, smith. Ooh. I swear, if I ever have a white baby,

I am totally naming him smith.

Thanks... I guess.

So I was thinking we could go to this political fund-raiser

That my family's throwing. Yay! I love those.