Doctor Who

Doctor! Doctor! Look out!

Where's he gone? Have you seen him? There he is. Stop! No!

Watch out!

There! There!

That's what it did. It went ROAR!

And if you think that was the most exciting day of my life, wait till you hear the rest.

Oh, boy!

So there I was, with that thing going ROAR!

Here boy, eat the food. Come on.

Look at the lovely food. Isn't that nice? Yes, it is!

Get out of here, quickly!

Who would like a porkie choppie, then? I said, "RUN!"

Wrong one! You've made it worse!

You said, "Blue!" I said NOT blue!

Hold on.

Ahhh!

Aaagh! Aaagh!

Hold on.

Don't I know you?

You can't imagine it. The Doctor's machine.

The most beautiful sound in the world.

That wasn't the first time I met the Doctor and it certainly wasn't the last. Oh, no!

I just put that bit at the beginning because it's a brilliant opening.

This is the story of me and my encounters with alien life forms.

But be warned!

Because it is gonna get sca-a-ary.

I need a remote control zoom.

I'm having to do that with the lean, sca-a-a-ary.

But look, don't worry, cos it's not just me sitting here talking. Oh, no.

That's Ursula on camera. Hello!

My good friend, Ursula Blake. On my brand new camera.

That was my family home, down there.

I did try, but there's two women live there now.

They're a bit severe.

Never mind, but that's where it all started.

Cos that's when I first met the Doctor.

What was it, I must've been three or four years old.

Middle of the night I went downstairs

and there was this...man.

What happened?

Elton? Tell me. Why was he there?

I dunno. Still don't know.

All those years ago.

OK! First things first.

My name is Elton, not to be confused with...

I left school. I got a job, transport manager for Rita Logistics,

modest little haulage company, perfectly normal life, and then...

it all went mad!

Two years ago, I was in town.

I was stocking up, nothing special, all the usual stuff.

When all of a sudden...

Shop window dummies!

Come to life!

I survived... Obviously.

Twelve months later, I'm back in town,

looking for a new suit, when I hear this plane overhead.

But it wasn't over yet! Cos then, Christmas Day...

I'm in bed, fast asleep, nice and cosy, when all of a sudden...

Like, ptscccchhhh!

I'm stuck in bed cos there's glass everywhere and I was barefoot.

I had to invent this rudimentary pulley system just to reach my boots and by the time I'd done that...

that's when it all started happening.

That's how I met Ursula. His name is the Doctor. That's how I met Victor Kennedy.

You stupid man!

That's how I met Jackie Tyler. You don't meet many Elton's.

And that's how I finally met the Doctor...

and realised the truth.

I should say,

this isn't my whole life - it's not all spaceships and stuff.

Cos I'm into all sorts of things.

I like football.

I like a drink. I like Spain.

And if there's one thing I really, really love,

then it's Jeff Lynne and the Electric Light Orchestra.

Cos you can't beat a bit of ELO.

# The sun is shining in the sky

# There ain't a cloud in sight

# It's stopped raining

# Everybody's in the play

# And don't you know it's a beautiful day

# Hey, hey, hey... #

So!

Great big spaceship hanging over London, imagine the theories!

The internet went into meltdown!

But I kept on digging.

Something was going on.

Oh, yes! And then one day, on some obscure little blog

by someone called Ursula Blake, it was like a chance in a million.

'It was him. It was that man again, but the photo was new, it was taken on Christmas Day.

'But Christmas just gone and he looked exactly the same.' His name is the Doctor.

Doctor what? That's all anyone knows.

But Christmas Day, I was taking photos all over the place.

I went mad with it all, spaceships and lasers and everything.

We all went to Trafalgar Square that night, cos everyone was celebrating, just being alive.

I snapped him in passing, that's all. He was just some bloke.

I didn't realise he was significant, until Mr Skinner pointed it out.

Who's Mr Skinner?

Oh, there's a few of us.

The inner sanctum. All studying this Doctor.

I've seen him, the Doctor, I swear to you.

I saw him when I was a kid. He was in my house and he was downstairs.

Don't tell me. He looked exactly the same then as he does now. Yes!

Yes!

Oh, my God, you believe me!

'So that's how I met Ursula. All thanks to the Doctor.

'Turns out we read all the same sites and she only lived half a mile away.

She was like a proper mate. Poor Ursula.'

But like she said, there was this little community, the select few,

all with their stories of the Doctor.

'This little gang used to meet up, underneath the old library on Maccateer Street.

'Mr Skinner, first name Colin, but we always called him Mr Skinner.

'I don't know why, we just did.' To me, the Doctor isn't a man,

he's more a collection of archetypes...

'Then there was Bridget.' All these different Doctors come and go,

but the single constant factor is this faux-police box. It keeps cropping up, throughout history.

'She lived way up north but she travelled down just for the meetings.

'Then there was Bliss...' What I'm trying to do,

is sum up the Doctor, what he means to us.

'She was ever so sweet, Bliss.

'"Bless Bliss," we used to say.' What he could represent and what he should represent

and what he...

never won't represent, sort of thing. We should have a name.

You know, as a group.

Names are very important.

What we need is a good, strong name, like a team, something like...

London Investigation 'n' Detective Agency.

LINDA for short. Say it again?

London Investigation 'n' Detective Agency.

'N'? Fish 'n' chips!

Rock 'n' roll! Chakademus 'n' Pliers!

LINDA! Oh, I like it, it's not too solemn! I like the 'N'!

We're the men from LINDA! And the women! LINDA united!

Did you think of that on the spot? No, I've wanted to use it for years.

I give you, LINDA! - LINDA!

So we'd all meet up, every week.

We'd talk about the Doctor for a bit,

but after a while, Bridget started cooking.

Oh, my God, that's gorgeous!

No, really. Wow! Oh, rest of you, get your hands off!

'Next thing you know, Mr Skinner started his readings, cos he was writing his own novel.'

"That's the last time you ride the Ghost Train, Johnny Franzetta, now say your prayers!"

To be continued.

No-o-o-o! 'Time went on, we got to know each other better and better.'

I only started all this because my daughter disappeared.

But it wasn't aliens that took her away.

It was just drugs.

I come down to London every week and I just keep looking for her.

Oh, Bridget...

# I gave my love a chicken

# It had no bone

# I gave my love a cherry

# It had no stone... #

# I've got a brand new pair of roller-skates

# You've got a brand-new key... #

'Then it turned out that Bridget could play the piano

and I confessed my love of ELO. Next thing you know, musical LINDA!

# You got me running going out of my mind

# You got me thinking that I'm wasting my time

# Don't bring me down... #

Just for fun.

# Don't bring me down... #

Your go.

Grooves! Your go.

Now, careful, mind the cables.

'And that's when it all changed.

'That Tuesday night in March.

'That's when he arrived.'

Lights. 'That's when we met Victor Kennedy and the Golden Age was gone.'

So, we meet at last.

"LINDA". Pleased to meet you, sir. I'm sorry, was the music too loud?

No, no, no, I don't shake hands.

Back, back. I suffer from a skin complaint.

Ex-ee-ma. Oh, you mean Eczema.

Oh, this is worse, much worse, I blister to the touch. Back, back, all of you further, further.

Thank you.

Sorry, don't mind me asking, but who are you?

I am your salvation.

That's the Doctor. That's really him.

You've forgotten your purpose in life.

You with your band and your cakes and your blubbing and all the while he still exists.

The Doctor. Look at him. Just look!

Move back! Move back all of you.

Wait for this bit. The picture cuts out but the sound continues.

Listen. Just listen. Listen to the sound of the universe.

That's...

What is it? What's wrong? Leave him!

You've heard it before, haven't you?

When? When was it? Where? Where were you?

I'd forgotten...

till now.

But it was that night.

What night?

I was just a kid.

That's why I went downstairs.

It woke me up.

That noise...

But what is it?

What does it mean? That is the sound of his spaceship.

Right then! Homework! Using the Torchwood files,

we can look at the old databases in a completely new light.