Sgt. Bilko

("Living in the USA " by the Steve Miller Band)

Brass!

Livin' in the USA

This is WBXT, the voice of Fort Baxter.

All personnel are invited to join Sergeant Bilko in the motor pool...

... for a demonstration of proper spark-plug maintenance...

... today at 0420, 0530 and 1455.

Those times again. 0420, 0530 and 1455.

- Did you win? - Nope.

Private Wally Holbrook reporting for duty.

- First assignment? - Yes.

- Relax. Know where you're assigned? - Motor pool.

- OK. Motor pool? - Yes, I...

- You're going straight to the colonel. - Colonel? What'd I do?

- How old are you, son? - Nineteen, sir.

Nineteen... So young.

I'm a first-rate mechanic. My two uncles owned a garage.

- Got any money? - Yes, sir.

- Give it to me. - But...

It's all right.

- My word, there must be $500 in here. - 700. See, I worked at my uncle's...

You're going to take $700 in cash into Bilko's barracks?

- Yes, sir. Who, sir? - Give me your hat, please.

Sergeant Bilko. Master Sergeant Ernest G Bilko.

- Well, good luck. And Godspeed. - Thank you, sir.

Remember, if you need anything at all, need any help...

...the old colonel's door is always open. - Thank you, sir.

- Sir? - (whistles)

- I'm lookin' for Sergeant Bilko. - You're too late, junior, no more bets.

- No, no, no. I'm reporting in. - Come on, Duane! Pull!

Dig deep, baby!

Come on! Come on!

Come on! Come on!

He's got the wrong shoes! Doberman's wearing the wrong shoes.

He's got no traction. And this horse!

This horse was not this lively this morning. I want it drug tested now!

Someone, quick. Get a urine bottle and a mop.

Hey! What's goin' on?

It's Private Doberman. He's the one who looks sort of human.

Last night in the gym, Doberman said "I feel as strong as a horse."

Some guy from company P overheard him and said "Yeah? For how much?"

It's the golden rule. You don't say nothing unless you're prepared to back it up.

No, no, not across the line. Don't go across. Back. Just, back. Back.

- Are you OK, Duane? - Sarge, I can't do this any more!

You did your best, Duane. What's money, anyway?

So, Bilko, I finally won one. Pay up.

- Hurry up. - Oh, so now we're on a schedule?

- Shall we go once more? - Sarge! Please, no more. No more, Sarge.

Don't worry. I won't put you through that again.

- He's finished. He's a loser. - No one calls one of Bilko's men a loser.

I oughta... Hold me back! Aah. No, no! Let me go! I'll kill him.

- You wanna double the bet? - Double the bet? Ha! You're serious.

- Sarge, no. - What's the matter, Ernie? Scared?

Sarge, please. That's all the platoon's money-every cent.

This is beyond money now. This is a matter of honour. OK, the bet is 1,000.

Sucker.

Yeah!

Hey, you can't do that, man.

- Ready, Duane? - Sure, Sarge.

See? He was just rollin' up the bet.

He's like a god.

Duane! Duane! Duane!

Duane! Duane! Duane! Duane! Duane! Duane!

Yeah! Yeah!

Walk him around and wipe him down.

Not the horse! Doberman.

Listen, that M2 Bradley vehicle is property of the US Army.

I want it back on the post by tonight. We have rules! Rules and regulations.

I have your rental agreement right here.

And if you blow anything up, it's coming out of your deposit.

Teenagers! So irresponsible.

- Sarge, you said I could count the take. - She got to count it last time.

Will you stop fighting? It's like I'm running a daycare centre.

Actually, that's not a bad idea. We could keep 'em in the storeroom.

- Luis, how many kids on the post? - Personal dependants under five?

- 293. - Get me the total of their allowances.

- Hey, in the storeroom? Kids? - Zimmy, they won't die.

In fact, that'll be our motto: "They won't die."

I'll count the money. Rocky, make sure the horse gets back to Knott's Berry Farm.

Private First Class Holbrook, Walter T, reporting in for duty, Sergeant!

Sarge, Holbrook is a tech-school terror.

First in his class, motor-vehicle maintenance.

A real live wrench-turner in the motor pool?

It's so crazy, it just might work. I'll introduce you to the boys and girls.

- (Bilko sniffs) - What's the matter, Sarge?

Don't you smell it? It's money.

This is Sgt Henshaw and Sgt Barbella. You'll see them about dances, raffles.

You'll get your tickets through them. They run the shop.

So if you need stationery, magazines... But not magazine subscriptions.

See Morales about that. Towels...

- Towels? Doesn't the army issue towels? - Army? Get him a set of towels.

The fluffy ones. The introductory price. Come on.

Place your bets, ladies and gentlemen.

This is Dino Paparelli. You're gonna laugh, you're gonna cry.

You're gonna love this scrappy little Italian.

- Hiya. - Sam Fender. His motto in life is simple:

..."An indictment is not a conviction." - Damn straight.

That's manly talk. Mickey Zimmerman.

Tragically, Zimmerman was born without a personality.

- Hello. - Luis Clemente.

This guy is smart, very smart. He has an IQ.

- Hello. - See what I mean?

Tony Morales. The only thing you need to know about him...

...is he doesn't take showers because it fogs up the mirror.

Finally, the man of the hour, the master of disaster, the king of the universe -

...look out, girls, he hates to dine alone - Private Duane Doberman!

Aw, Sarge.

Doberman doesn't take showers either, but for a much more frightening reason.

My orders, Sergeant.

Everything seems to be in order. Henshaw will take your bags.

Don't worry, he's bonded. Got a licence?

- A driver's licence? - We can make one up.

- Henshaw, get the camera! - No, no. I have a licence. It's right here.

My wallet.

Oh, here it is. Empty. It's in your hat, isn't it?

Good boy. Oh. Oh, there must be six... no, seven hundred dollars in here. Good.

Well, you can start with this. The colonel's car.

- OK, what's wrong with it? - It's the odometer.

It says 12,000 miles, and it should say 11,000 miles.

Tony drove it to Lake Tahoe to go to his grandmother's funeral.

- I'm sorry. - When I say that...

...I mean "visit his niece". And when I say "niece", I mean lady friend?

Look. I'm winking. Look at my eye.

- You want me to turn that back? - (gasps) Yes.

- I can't do that, Sergeant. - "Can't"! He said "can't"!

Sarge, are you all right?

Hey, man, "can't" is a four-letter word in this platoon.

I cannot violate regulations, unless it's an order...

...in which case I would have to ask Master Sergeant Bilko to sign said order.

I'm asking you to do Tony here a favour. We're all like family here.

Any one of these men would take a bullet for you.

- Well, not in the chest. - No, not in the chest, but in the thigh.

- Permission to speak freely? - What, are we in Russia? Say anything.

You're soldiers. Guardians of freedom.

And frankly, I don't think there's a man here taking his service oath seriously.

You know what? I'm gonna kill him.

Fender!

Now, this is the stuff they should be teaching in the army.

- They are. - No kidding?

Here's a mouldy oldie for all our friends in the motor pool.

("No Particular Place to Go" by Chuck Berry)

Ridin' along in my automobile

My baby beside me at the wheel

I stole a kiss at the turn of a mile

Brass!

My curiosity runnin' wild

Cruisin' and playin' the radio

With no particular place to go

Ridin' along in my automobile

I was anxious to tell her the way I feel

So I told her softly and sincere

And she leaned and whispered in my ear

Cuddlin' more and drivin' slow

With no particular place to go

- Sarge, where can we hide the horse? - What horse?

All right, men! Faster. The army needs these vehicles.

Bilko?

Sergeant.

Sergeant Bilko!

Fall in, men, now! And get into a semicircle or a rectangle, now!

Hut! Hey!

Very good. As you were.

He means go back to what you were doing.

Colonel Hall, you look fantastic, sir. Have you lost weight?

Why, a couple of pounds maybe.

Nell and I have been "sweating to the oldies".

- Ah. - Sergeant, I'm here to see about my car.

Ah, well, I'm afraid we're still working on it, sir.

- You've had it a week and a half. - I thought I saw it on Interstate 30.

There. Thank God I have a witness. Thank you, Captain Moon.

And the colonel thinks I never test-drive the vehicles.

What is that?

That's horse shit, sir. I tell the men "You have to test-drive..."

- What's it doing there? - It keeps the flies off the food.

There's no way you can tell what's wrong with an engine...

- Off the food? - It's an experiment.

I'd say the results are mixed.

It's a lot cheaper than sending out for it, sir.

And fresher too.

Bilko, are you mental? This is not the horse cavalry.

- You can't bring livestock onto the post. - You're right, sir.

You heard the colonel. Assemble horse platoon and get the horse out of here!

- All right, double-time, soldier. - Sergeant, please, tell me about my car.

- Do you know anything about cars, sir? - No.

Ah. Well, you see that sort of pointy thing right there?

It seems that it's impinging on the browned, round thing with the spots.

- You see, when Henry Ford first... - Colonel Hall.

- Corporal, what is it? - Permission to speak privately?

- Of course. Excuse me, Bilko. - Absolutely.

- What is it, Corporal? - The Pentagon called.

The Pentagon? How did they get my number?

They're sending a team to observe tomorrow's hovertank test.

- Why? It's just a preliminary... Aah. - What is it, sir?

Well, they're closing a lot of military facilities lately.

What if they're planning to close Fort Baxter?

- Do you know anything about this? - You flatter me.

- How could l, a mere master sergeant...? - You know everything before I do.

I'm sure it's just routine, sir. Anyway, come back any time. Call first.

I tell you, men, serving under a great leader like Colonel Hall...

- He's gone. - I'm hungry. What time is it?