LA to Vegas

Cheers!

Hey, Ronnie.

Ronnie!

Oh, hey, what is it, Artem?

I'm not very happy right now.

If I were an emoji, I would be frown face.

Oh, if this is about your cologne, I already told you,

you can't bring that stuff on board,

they use it in explosives.

No, that's a separate infuriating issue.

This is about luggage.

Now Jackpot charge ten dollars for carry-on.

This fee is no good for gambling profit.

I know, it sucks.

It's just Jackpot following the other airlines' lead.

They're squeezing out every dollar they can.

It's better than when they tried charging for overhead bassinets.

I still have nightmares about the babies I didn't catch.

Oh.

Well, I'm outraged.

I'm gonna give this flight zero stars on Airbnb.

Okay. Wait, um, how about I let you

use the beverage cart,

so you can make that weird tomato juice iced tea thing

you're always talking about?

I can finally make an Artem Palmer?

You have deal, Ronnie.

Oh. If I were emoji now,

I would be smiley face or lady in the bathtub.

Because I pamper myself.

Have to admit, pretty impressive how you handled that.

I was expecting cologne to start exploding any minute.

I know how to manage my passengers.

It's my job to know what they need. They're my people.

Like, uh, like that guy.

That's James. He always shows up for his flight

so drunk, he forgets the name of his hotel.

So, I write it down for him. Hey, James.

- Thanks. - Mm-hmm.

Ooh, the Wynn.

Sober me must be doing pretty good.

And that's Ben.

He says he's here visiting family,

but I'm pretty sure he's just stalking Nichole.

- Stalking Nichole? - Oh, he's harmless.

It's her other stalker, Kristen, we really have to worry about.

And that's Dean.

He's always one of the first to board,

orders his coffee black,

two sugars, and every week,

flies with his lovely, lovely wife...

...who is suddenly blonde and 20 years younger.

Jackpot Airlines.

Northeast-bound to Las Vegas.

I got it, I got it.

Oh.

You have to pay to open it now.

Oh, I see. So they're holding my biography

of Patty Hearst hostage up there.

Well, it could be worse.

I heard VegasAir has a staircase fee

just to get off the plane.

This is your captain here

with a little reminder.

Now that marijuana's legal in Vegas,

you deserve to treat yourself to a little puff,

a Korean massage and a sandwich.

So head on down to Kim Bong Dill's Dispensary,

Spa and Deli.

Supreme leader says, "It's the bomb."

Jackpot 529, winds 280 at ten.

Should be a smooth flight.

It is now that I'm talking to you, Gwen.

Always the charmer, Captain Dave.

Once you get to Vegas, feel free to buzz my tower and say hi.

Will do. I'll be the handsome brunette flying a plane.

I think ATC Gwen likes you.

Nah, she's just a flirt, that one.

I don't know, she doesn't talk to other pilots like that.

You should ask her out.

Yeah, right.

A pilot dating an air traffic controller?

Can you imagine?

Yeah. It wasn't that hard.

Hey, as a frequent flyer, I'm used to this plane

being a capitalist hell state,

but I'm swiping my credit card and my seat won't recline.

Oh, it looks like the guy behind you paid double

to keep yours in the upright position.

Well, in that case, how much would it cost

to scream into a pillow?

Um... Nothing to scream, but a pillow is ten dollars.

Oh! I take it back, screaming is five.

I'll pay $50 for a drinks cart to block my view of those two.

You want to know the most disgusting part about them?

I saw it. He touched his armrest, then touched her face.

Best she can hope for now is debilitating pink eye.

No. That guy's cheating on his wife, and that poor girl

probably has no idea.

He's not wearing his wedding ring.

Wedding rings don't mean anything.

Rock Hudson had one, and I had Rock Hudson.

How old are you?

Nichole, you're a woman. Back me up here.

Your generation is so obsessed with labels.

But, yes, as a cis female

polyamory-tolerant monogamist, I find cheating repulsive.

But, as a stripper, cheating is the backbone of my industry,

and mama can recline her chair all she wants.

- This whole thing is disgusting. - Thank you.

They make you pay now just to recline your seat.

Back in the old days, we'd carve our complimentary roast beef

right in the aisle.

I'm losing track of this conversation.

Let's everybody go around and say what we're angry about.

So far, I've got cheating, gender labels and roast beef.

- Yes. - Okay, good to know.

Hey, Ronovan.

- Can I ask you something? - Mm-hmm.

Let's say there's a woman I know, professionally,

and... wanted to ask her out.

- That'd be okay, right? - No.

Let's say it was okay.

How would I, you know, do that?

- Do what? - Ask her out.

I'm about to be brave

and tell you something personal here.

You see, I haven't asked a woman out on a date

since my last divorce.

Oh, you're a good person to ask about this.

Didn't all your ex-wives cheat on you?

Yes, that's right.

So, if there had been someone to expose the situation,

that would've been a good thing, right?

Well, yeah, that's why for number three, I hired a P.I.

But he just got himself in on the action.

This is helpful. Thanks, Dave.

Wait, we never talked about me.

Oh, you having trouble

tricking woman into love.

Listen.

Here's what you say:

"I spend most of my time in the clouds, but you are real angel."

I'm not taking love advice

from someone who mixes tomato juice and iced tea.

I don't mix.

I stir with a tiny sword.

So you're just gonna walk right up

to that girl and tell her he's married?

Have you considered she might already know and doesn't care?

Oh, now you're being rational?

Last week, you tried to get someone

kicked off the plane for watching La La Land.

I don't need Ryan Gosling to whitesplain jazz to me.

I'm overhearing all this. I'm not eavesdropping.

You're both screaming, and it all sounds terrible.

Okay, intervening in other people's lives

is such a poor idea, I'm actually ignoring my own advice

to intervene and tell you that.

How come when I butt into other people's lives, I'm nosy,

but when Bernard does it, he's charming?

Well, it's just a likability issue.

Look, I know you think you're being helpful,

but it's not your place to tell this woman anything.

You're her flight attendant, not her friend.

Up here, I'm friend, bartender, human rights champion.

That African-American man wanted to sit in the back row.

He was with his friends.

Look, this girl deserves to know what she's getting involved in.

I'm trying to help her.

Just watch, I'm gonna save her 20s without her even noticing.

No, Ro...

Hi, let me know if you guys need anything.

Oh, that's a nice shirt. Did your wife get that for you?

Did you see that?

I just lit the fuse on a ticking time bomb.

If it's a time bomb, it wouldn't have a fuse.

Yeah, I believe it would have a timer.

Okay, then I lit the timer. Who cares? Just watch.

Looks like the fuse went out.

We just agreed it didn't have a fuse.

Perhaps we should all stop talking about bombs?

- What? - Yeah.

Okay, that's enough screen time for you.

Hey there, JP 529.

Hey, Gwen.

Where you been?

Cheating on me with other planes?

No way.

You know I'm a Jackpot girl.

I bet you say that to all the airlines.

I'm gonna need you to turn right heading 060.

As you wish.

Anyway, I was thinking, and call me a relief pitcher,

because this is coming out of left field...

...I spend all my time

with angels in the clouds...

Anyway, nothing.

Did you just have a stroke?

You're not supposed to be in here,