Marlon

What's up Internet peeps.

Welcome to the Marlon Way.

You know parenting is a delicate balance

because if you don't go far enough, you wind up with those

spoiled kids that turn into crappy adults.

They show up to work, and the boss is like,

"Why are you so late?"

"Because I needed some me time."

But... if you go to far you wind up with those tiger-mom kids.

You know the ones that can play cello like Yo Yo Ma

and then one day they snap... and they kick yo yo ass.

We should have got a dog.

Mm-hmm, it's so peaceful around here with the kids gone.

Uh, the kids are right over there.

Then why is it so quiet?

Stevie, are you out of your semi-nappy headed mind?

Ugh, there it is.

Why would I pay you money?

For the work I do on your videos.

Okay, what is going on?

I'm trying to renegotiate the terms

of my unpaid internship with this tightwad.

Here's the terms of your internship, okay?

You do what I say, and, in turn,

I let your broke ass sleep on my couch.

Hey, Dad, can you take us to see

"Zombie Clown Mountain" on Sunday?

Hey, that's a R-rated movie, and you guys are underage.

So you know I'm in.

Before you all start spending more money,

Daddy and I need to have a discussion.

Daddy don't like when Mommy wants to have discussions.

This is the current statement for our joint credit card.

- Take a look. - Ashley, come on,

I already know what's on here.

It's fi... Okay, look, $40.00 for a haircut,

which is a deal. See how big that boy's head is?

You gotta mow his head, like...

$315 for a Xbox game, this is a...

$315?

What in the hell is this?

Exactly, our kids' spending is out of control.

Boy, what did you spend $315 on?

It's my NBA game.

I bought virtual clothes for my virtual players.

And you about to get a virtual ass-whuppin'.

Man, do you know when I was your age that I was lucky

if I had actual clothes on my actual back?

I went to school naked twice.

And thank God, they graded on the curve.

It gets worse. Keep reading.

Why is the phone bill so high?

That's because your daughter forgets the turn the Wi-Fi on

on her phone when, for some strange reason,

she falls asleep to "Harry Potter" movies

every night.

It's kind of like white noise.

Girl, when we were young, we fell asleep to black noise.

Yeah, there was police siren, gunshots,

people screaming, "Oh, hell no, he didn't!"

And loud Latino music going...

And any time they would...

- We woke up. -

Uh, my Uber's here, so I'm gonna go see Danielle.

Uber? What, what, what, hold on,

little child Kardashian.

What?

Girl, Danielle's house is so close,

I can toss a rock and hit it.

Um, Mom, can you hand wash my green sweater tonight?

Thanks, love you.

Later, Dad.

These kids is out of control.

How did you let them get like this?

How I did I let them get like this?

That's what I just asked you.

Here we go, Stevie.

The untold Marlon and Ashley story:

We give our kids everything and now we mad.

Ever since the divorce, you been letting these kids

get away with murder.

You coddle them.

Well, you spoil them.

You get Zack every new gadget that comes along.

Come on, that is not true.

Super bad timing, dude.

Ooh, sorry, Dad.

Marlon, I think that we can both agree that,

since the divorce, we indulge them a little bit.

No, you indulge them. I mean, for God's sake,

you breastfed Zack till he was old enough to put quick in it.

My parents indulged my every whim as a kid,

and I turned out A-Okay.

You're a 40-year-old unpaid intern

who sleeps on another man's couch.

I bet you have an atrocious credit score.

Marlon, you and I need to work together to rein in

- our children. - I agree.

I'm about to bring the thunder.

Oh, no, no, you don't get to bring in the thunder

because then comes lightning, and things get burned.

All right? We're gonna go with my thunder.

Girl, you ain't got no thunder.

You living in bougie-ass Sherman Oaks.

Oh, don't sleep on the Oaks, okay?

My parents were hardcore, and Mama's 'bout to

turn this place upside down.

What in the entire hell is that?

It's a chore wheel.

Are we gonna hit them with that?

Or we could put the little boy on it and just spin.

I mean, not till he throw up, but just so he walk like this.

Marlon, I'm going to hit them with responsibility.

Good luck.

Okay, this is a chore wheel.

You finish a chore, you put a check on the wheel,

then, and only then, do you get extra incentives and perks...

Money for your Uber or video games, extra dessert,

and then there's my personal favorite,

snuggle time with Mom.

All right, get to spinning.

Welcome to the Wheel of Unfortune!

What episode of "Full House" did you get that idea from?

Why are we divorced, but I'm still carrying your groceries?

Why are we divorced, but you're still eating up

all my food?

Marlon, look at this! Oh!

And you doubted the wheel.

Almost everything is checked off.

Oh, my gosh, and look at how beautiful these are folded.

Wow.

Whose house is this? My house!

Done.

Now, there is a load of darks in the dryer,

and I left the raked leaves

in cute little bags near the garage.

- Who are you? - I'm Jeanette.

I'm a Task Rabbit.

I'm Marlon. I'm a Leo.

- Hi, Marlon. - Jeanette, you are an angel.

Ooh, well, thank you.

- What was that? - Jeanette from Task Rabbit.

It's an app where people do tasks for you.

We got all the chores done.

Bring it in, Mom.

Looks like somebody earned a snuggle.

You can bring the thunder.

Whose house is this?

Dad, why are all the bathrooms locked upstairs?

Because we only have one bathroom.

- What? - Yep, right there

off the living room.

And guess what? The entire family shares it.

- Dad, what's up with the Wi-Fi? - Wi-Fi?

Girl, there ain't no Wi-Fi in the projects.

Dad, we don't live in the projects.

You do now.

Say good-bye to all your little bougie luxuries.

Does Mom know about this?

- Marlon! - She does now.

Um, why are all the bathrooms locked upstairs?

Daddy says there's only one bathroom in the projects.

Hmm?

Is all of this necessary?

I don't know, maybe we should ask Jeanette from Task Rabbit.

You heard your father.

We're being wrongfully punished!

We didn't do anything.

Except spend money that you didn't earn.

You know, growing up, nobody gave me nothing.

See the way I said that? Nothing!

You could feel the poverty in my voice when I said, "nothing."

But that made me self-sufficient,

and it made me appreciate what I had, and I'm gonna

do the same thing for you two.

Marlon, where's the toilet paper?

Girl, ain't no toilet paper in the projects!

Here, soften this up for your mama.

- How do you... - Come on, boy, get to work!

Why do I have to wear Mom's old clothes?

Those are called "hand-me-downs."

See, you can no longer afford new-new.

You got old-new.

So you take your mama's old clothes,

and now they're new to you.

And apparently your mama went through a TLC phase.

Oh, would you rather wear your favorite hand-washed

- Chi Chi sweater? - Oh, God, yes.

Awesome, right?

Yeah, well, too bad you went and spilled Kool-Aid all over it

at Ray-Ray's rent party.

They be tripping at Ray-Ray's.

You know, growing up,

I had to do my entire family's laundry.

Now baby girl, you are gonna inherit that responsibility.

We only have one washing machine.

This is gonna take forever.

Girl, you funny.

There ain't no washing machine in the PJs.

Yeah, you got to haul that to the laundromat,