Reality Bites

They wonder why those of us in our twenties

refuse to work an 80-hour week

just so we can afford to buy their BMWs,

why we aren't interested in the counterculture that they invented,

as if we did not see them disembowel their revolution

for a pair of running shoes.

Whoo! Yeah! But the question remains,

what are we going to do now?

How can we repair all the damage we inherited?

Fellow graduates, the answer is simple.

The answer is...

The answer is...

I don't know.

Good save, Lelaina.

I'm not a Valedictorian, but I play one on TV.

We all know you slept your way to the podium.

My favorite part about graduating now will be

dodging my student loan officer for the rest of my life.

He will be in cahoots with the Columbia Record and Tape Company guy.

Been after my ass for years.

Troy Dyer. Brought you back a souvenir.

You could still go back next year and graduate,

- still get your BFA. - Oh, can I?

And then I can hang this on my rearview mirror

to brag to all my good buddies back home that I graduated.

Well, I'm through with the whole wank-a-rama.

Well, I know this sounds cornball, but, um,

I'd like to somehow make a difference in people's lives.

And I... I would like to buy them all a Coke.

And you wonder why we never got involved.

Three words, November 16, 199...

- Oh, totally drunk. - It would have been a poetic experience,

if I weren't such a gentleman.

Just let it go, Dyer. Surrender the fantasy.

Hey, Sammy, what's your goal?

My goal is to...

I'd like a career or something.

I think the moment has been appropriately captured.

Could you please take your face out of the camera?

Come on. It's for my documentary.

Her documentary.

Think fast.

Here's the deal.

I'm gonna take Sam against his will

and straighten him out,

because I believe if we can get two women on the Supreme Court,

we can get at least one on you, Sam.

I'm Superman. I can fly.

She's toasted.

Quick, Vickie, what's your Social Security?

Uh, 851-25-9357.

Very impressive.

It's the only thing I really learned in college.

Sometimes I get that not-so-fresh feeling.

(SINGING) Conjunction junction What's your function?

Hookin' up words and phrases and clauses.

Conjunction junction How's that function?

I got three favorite cars.

They get most of my job done.

Honey, honey. Let me do it for you. No, no.

- Is yours good? - I don't think it's very fresh.

I'm sorry.

Well, I guess it's about time for me to give you your graduation present.

- Your gas card. - I'll pay that bill for one year.

And since Helen Anne's got herself a brand-new Infiniti,

we're gonna give you her old BMW.

You pick it up at our house.

- BMW? BMW! Yeah.

Tom, didn't you listen to her speech today?

She doesn't want a BMW.

- Mom, I'll handle this. - I'm not gonna sit here

and listen to some strange ethical argument about a damn car.

It's got four wheels. It runs well.

After you've been in the real world, you're gonna appreciate that car.

Just think of all those starving children in Africa that don't even have cars.

Troy, does your father give you gifts like that?

Mom!

My father's dying of prostate cancer, so I don't trouble him much for gifts.

- See, Tom? Hmm?

You don't want a BMW. Tell him, Lelaina!

Charlane, she can make up her own mind.

Dad, don't talk to her that way. She's not a child.

Well, she married one.

What?

All right. Excuse me. Come on.

Mom, Dad, I'll take the BMW, until I can afford to buy a regular car, okay?

Okay, Mom? Please?

Mom, please? Come on.

Get a Ford.

Just afloat on the sea.

Find myself on a page of history.

You know as I ride along.

I can always hear the song.

About you.

And where you're meant to be.

Well, you're gonna tell me the answers.

I'll know when you come back to me.

If we should fall.

Love will catch us every time.

I hear you call I will run.

And if the magic of the adventure overcomes.

We won't cry.

Because it could be fun.

Well, I'm gonna tell you the answers.

You'll know when you come back to me.

Gonna be all right.

When you come back to me

Good morning.

Good morning!

Yes, good morning, ladies and gentleman!

I see a gentleman right over there! Good morning!

Good morning! Boy, I tell ya,

it is a good morning with this audience.

Today for all you dieters, guiltless goodies from Chef Skinny Ninny!

Ho-ho. Mmm.

And we'll also be visiting with a man right here from Houston

- who is battling Alzheimer's. Aww.

A beautiful and touching story of the triumph of the human spirit.

He's so cheesy I can't watch him without crackers.

Now let's take a peek inside our Video View and see what we have in store today.

It's a special report on children's birthday party themes.

Taped on location at eight-year-old Davey Robbins' party

exclusively for our Video View collection.

So come sit with me.

Relax. Have a cup of joe.

Oh, shit! Oh, shit!

Well, anyway, it's gonna be a good day, good morning.

You're beautiful!

Clear!

Am I here to amuse you, Ms. Pierce? Is that the reason I'm on this show?

I put on your note card to get your own expresso.

Didn't you get my "espress yourself" memo?

I don't have time for your games. We're laying people off around here.

I can find an intern who'll do your job for free, like that.

I been locked out.

I been locked in.

But I always seem to come back again.

And the view when I look through my window...

That's a much better size. That looks great.

That would go with the Easy Fits.

So... Oh, buttoning it up. That's even better. Okay.

Yeah! Roll 'em right up. It's liberating, isn't it?

(SINGING) I bought a toothbrush Some toothpaste.

A flannel for my face.

Pajamas, a hair brush.

New shoes and a case.

I said to my reflection.

Let's get out of this place.

Passed the church and the steeple.

The laundry on the hill

Murders, there's one committed each seven seconds.

How do you know... (PHONE RINGING)

- Hello? I got cut off. I'm sorry. What the hell happened?

Tempted by the fruit of another

Hello? What?

Tempted but the truth is discovered.

What's been goin' on Now that you have gone.

No, no, listen. He needs us.

He makes videos. We show them, okay? It's symbiotic.

It's like the chicken or the egg, both of them working together...

Well, I'm not scared of him.

No, no, I'm not scared of...

Jesus! (LELAINA SCREAMING)

Michael, don't laugh at me.

What? No! (AIR BAG POPPING)

I'm in an accident. I got in an accident.

You okay? (AIR BAG POPPING)

Yeah. No. I'll call you back.

- When you say "sue..." - It's not really my idea.

I got my lawyer telling me something about my rates...

Right. You mean like sue in a courtroom for money?

I don't know. I've never done anything like this before.

Do you have a lawyer?

No, I don't have a lawyer. I don't have a dentist.

I'm... You know, I make $400 a week.

What do you do?

At the moment, I'm working... (PHONE RINGS)

I'm sorry. I just... I gotta...

Hello?

Yeah, what is it? I don't care if she does 12 books of herself naked.

It doesn't... That's Dr. Zaius from Planet of the Apes.

- Oh! - I'm sorry. Someone else is in here.

Yeah? Well, let her say that to me.

- No, don't do that. - Oh, I'm sorry.

No, no, you can... I was... Go ahead. You want to touch it?

- Me? - Yeah, go ahead. No, I was talking to...

Can I talk to you later? Can we... What? Okay.

Um... Okay.

Um, uh...

You know what? Just forget it.

Really. Just forget the whole thing.

It was probably my fault anyway, and I'll get in trouble, and I don't...

You seem very sweet, and you seem to like Dr. Zaius.

Oh. (GLASS SHATTERING)

That's...

Oh, I...

That's... He was just a collector's... No big...

- Um, well, here's... Here's his head. - You know what? It's really...

You know, I think he's gone.

- Yeah. - I'm, like, ruining your whole life here.