Louie

Yeah, I remember learning about sex when I was a kid.

I wanted to know what sex was

'cause I just had boners all the time.

I went to my dad, I asked my dad what sex was,

'cause I knew that sex existed,

I didn't know what it was.

So I asked my dad and he told me...

Here's what my dad said.

First of all, it is not "sex."

You must not call it that.

Then what do I call it?

"Making love."

There is a secret to it

and I am going to tell it to you now.

You must withholdly slightly,

then withdraw

and wait until she is mad with desire,

begging you to penetrate.

Then...

then a bit more.

But withdraw again!

Then you must wait

and withhold until she demands it,

and even then, you give her nothing!

Then all you have to do

is touch her and she will explode.

I was seven years old when he explained that.

I was seven years old.

He's telling me how to make, like, a 35-year-old woman come,

who, like, really knows herself.

That, my son,

is the art of making love.

Now repeat it to me.

Well.

Um, first of all,

you said that you don't call it sex,

it's making love.

And...

and when you're doing it,

first you go in just a little bit

and then you come back out

and then she wants more,

so you go in a little more,

and then you come back out

and she demands it

so you just touch her, and then she explodes.

So they taught us sex in school,

and all they did was scare the shit out of me

because they show you these diagrams of, like, a penis,

just this huge penis

and it's cut in half lengthwise.

Like, yeah, that's what your dick would look like

if I ripped off half of it

and threw it in the garbage.

And this is the vagina.

Vagina.

When intercourse occurs,

the man takes his penis

and ejaculates into the vagina.

I didn't understand anything that they taught us.

I had a hard time focusing on what they were telling me

about all these tubes and shit.

Louie?

Louie, come up here and show me.

Louie, show me the penis.

Show everyone the penis, Louie.

Show the class the penis.

I thought for like five years that when...

from watching this whole thing,

that when you have sex,

you come and one of your balls comes out.

That's what I thought happened,

that you have to come a ball

out of that little whole at the tip of your dick.

I was terrified!

That's what I thought, you just...

Bahh!

And you push a ball out

and she's screaming and there's blood everywhere...

and you can only do it twice

and then you're out of balls.

That's what I thought.

You come twice and have two babies,

and then you just walk around with an empty sack

for the rest of your life.

Which turned out to be true, but...

It could have been worse. It was good... yeah, totally.

No, it was... that was really good.

You liked that? Yeah, yeah.

Oh, I'm glad you liked it. Yeah, you really seem to know, like,

all the good places in New York.

Well, I've been alive for awhile

and I like to eat, so...

So I don't know if you want to...

Yeah, I, um...

What time is it?

It's kind of late, but I don't know,

you want to get a drink or something or...

Yeah, you know what, I gotta work tomorrow

and I don't really want to start drinking right now.

I don't really drink either, so...

You know what, though?

There's a doughnut place on 14th Street.

You want to get doughnuts right now?

Well, it's just kind of a great old place.

You know, just watery coffee

Probably might get a doughnut, too.

Maybe some doughnuts.

You want to go?

Come on, watch me eat a doughnut.

Okay. It'll be fun.

Yeah. You wanna go?

Yeah. Good, okay, come on.

If I can have a doughnut, too.

Well, you can have maybe one.

It's like $50,000 a month rent for most places.

Your go-to place at this hour? Mm-hmm.

That's how they knew you and what you like, the coconut?

Yeah, that's why I didn't have to ask.

It's getting all over you. Sorry.

I would have come here even if you didn't come with me.

All by yourself?

Oh, yeah.

Without me? Sure.

I mean, I'm here every night.

Seriously?

The doughnuts.

I don't really need you here.

They're great company, yeah.

It's nice, though.

To share? Yeah.

You... you were correct.

This is... this is like piss.

It's piss with shit floating in it.

It's really fantastic.

So how did you get started being a comedian?

Oh, well, I started in high school.

Really? Yeah, I was 18.

Suzy! Big old titties!

Her boobs were so hot, too, did you see that?

And I was right out of high hool.

I found out you could do open-mic nights in Boston,

so I started getting interested...

Tits!

Sorry.

You believe these guys?

This is ridiculous.

You had that Asian chick right in front of you, loser.

You're a loser!

Loser! Eat my ass, you douche bag!

Eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, eat...

Eat it!

Eat it, eat it!

Nobody can even talk.

I know. It's ridiculous.

I mean, I really am interested that you started so young.

You are? Yeah.

Well, yeah, I was in high school...

Eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, eat,

eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, eat...

Hey, hey!

Guys, could you keep it down, please?

Thank you.

That's good, it worked.

Yeah, I hope so.

Anyway, there was these clubs in Boston that you could go on

and they were just like open-mic nights.

You could just...

anytime you wanted to.

How's it going?

Yeah, actually you were.

That's why I asked you to be quiet

and you did, so thank you.

Oh, that's all right.

I'm Sean.

Sean, got it, thanks.

"Got it, thanks," that's your name?

No, it's Louie.

Oh, okay.

Louie.

Louie.

Hi, I'm Sean.

What's your name?

What, am I bothering you? Hey, hey, hey, man.

Come on.

Hey, what's up, Louie?

Why don't you go back with your friends, okay?

Yeah, see, I don't really feel like it, Louie.

Hey, Louie, can I ask you a question?

When was the last time you got your ass kicked?

Come on, What? You heard me.

When was the last time you got your ass kicked?

I'm just curious.

What, you scared?

Are you scared right now?

No. No?

No, I'm not scared of you. Why?

'Cause I'm a grown man.

I'm not afraid of some young kid, some high-school bully.

Oh, you're not afraid of high school... No.