High Fidelity

What came first?

The music or the misery?

People worry about kids playing with guns, or watching violent videos...

that some sort of culture of violence will take them over.

Nobody worries about kids listening to thousands, literally thousands...

of songs about heartbreak, rejection...

pain, misery and loss.

Did I listen to pop music because I was miserable?

Or was I miserable because I listened to pop music?

You don't have to go this second.

- You can stay until whenever. - No.

- We've done the hard part now, I might as well just-- - Stay for tonight, then.

Laura--

You're just gonna--

My desert island, all-time top five...

most memorable breakups, in chronological order...

are as follows:

Alison Ashmore, Penny Hardwick...

Jackie Alden, Charlie Nicholson and Sarah Kendrew.

Those were the ones that really hurt.

Can you see your name on that list, Laura?

Maybe you'd sneak into the top ten.

But there's just no room for you in the top five. Sorry!

Those places are reserved for the kind of humiliation you're just not capable of delivering.

If you really wanted to mess me up...

you should have gotten to me earlier!

Which brings us to number one on the top five all-time breakup list:

Alison Ashmore.

One moment they weren't there--

not in any form that interested us, anyway--

and then the next, you couldn't miss them.

They were everywhere.

And they'd grown breasts.

And we wanted--

Actually, we didn't even know what we wanted.

But it was something interesting.

Disturbing, even.

My relationship with Alison Ashmore lasted for six hours:

the two hours after school, before The Rockford Files...

for three days in a row.

But on the fourth afternoon--

Kevin Bannister.

Slut.

It would be nice to think that since I was 14, times have changed.

Relationships have become more sophisticated.

Females less cruel.

Skins thicker. Instincts more developed.

But there seems to be an element of that afternoon in everything that's happened to me since.

All my romantic stories are a scrambled version of that first one.

Number two on the top five all-time breakup list...

was Penny Hardwick.

Penny was great looking, and her top five recording artists...

were Carly Simon, Carole King, James Taylor, Cat Stevens...

and Elton John.

Erin! No, come here!

She was nice.

Nice manners, nice grades, nice looking--

She was so nice, in fact, that she wouldn't let me put my hand...

underneath or even on top of her bra.

Attack and defense. Invasion and repulsion.

It was as if breasts were little pieces of property...

that had been unlawfully annexed by the opposite sex.

They were rightfully ours, and we wanted them back.

Sometimes I got so bored of trying to touch her breast...

that I would try to touch her between her legs.

It was like trying to borrow a dollar, getting turned down, and asking for 50 grand instead.

I wasn't interested in Penny's nice qualities, just breasts.

And therefore, she was no good to me.

What's the point? It never goes anywhere.

Rob?

I started dating a girl who everyone said would give it up and who didn't...

and Penny went with this asshole named Chris Thompson...

who told me he had sex with her after something like three dates.

I own this store called Championship Vinyl.

It's located in a neighborhood that attracts the bare minimum of window shoppers.

I get by because of the people who make a special effort to shop here.

Mostly young men...

who spend all their time looking for deleted Smith singles...

and original, not re-released, underlined, Frank Zappa albums.

Fetish properties are not unlike porn.

I'd feel guilty taking their money, if I wasn't...

well, kind of one of them.

- Morning, Dick. - Oh, hi. Hi, Rob.

Have a good weekend?

Yeah, okay. Um, I found the first Licorice Comfits album over at Vintage Vinyl.

The one on Testament of Youth.

Never released here, a Japanese import only.

Great. Great.

- I'll tape it for you. - No, that's okay. Really.

You liked their second one, you said. Pop Girls, etc.

That's the one with Cheryl Ladd on the cover.

Oh, you never saw the cover, though. You just had that tape I made you.

Yeah, I haven't really absorbed that one yet.

Well...

- I'll just make it for you. - Okay.

- Dick, what's this? - It's the new Belle and Sebastian. You like it?

Holy Shiite. What the fuck is that?

It's the new Belle and Sebastian--

It's a record we've been listening to and enjoying, Barry.

Well, that's unfortunate, because it sucks ass.

Yours, I assume?

Turn it off, Barry!

- It won't go any louder. - Turn it off!

Okay, buddy. Uh--

I was just trying to cheer us up. So, go ahead.

Put on some old sad bastard music. See if I care.

I don't want to hear old sad bastard music, Barry.

- I just want something I can ignore. - Here's the thing.

I made that tape special for today, my special Monday morning tape for you, special.

It's fuckin' Monday afternoon! You should get out of bed earlier.

Come on, dude.

Play it. Don't you want to hear what's next?

- What's next? - Play it!

Say it.

"Little Latin Loopy-Loo."

Mitch Ryder and the Detroit Wheels?

No!

- The Righteous Brothers. - Well, never mind.

No, not "never mind." Tell me right now. What's wrong with The Righteous Brothers?

Nothing, I-- I just prefer the other--

- Bullshit! - How can it be bullshit to state a preference?

- Since when did this store become a fascist regime? - Since you brought that tape in.

Oh, man, that's great! That's the fun thing about workin' in a record store.

You get to play crappy pap you don't even want to listen to.

I thought this tape was gonna be a fuckin'...

conversation stimulator, man!

I was gonna ask you for your top five records to play on a Monday morning.

- You just had to fuckin' ruin it. - We'll do it next Monday.

No! I wanna do it now!

I can't fire them. I hired these guys for three days a week...

and they just started showing up every day-- that was four years ago.

Number three in the top five all-time breakup list?

Charlie Nicholson. Sophomore year at college.

Whoo! Am I glad that's over.

As soon as I saw her, I realized she was the kind of girl...

I'd wanted to meet ever since I was old enough to meet girls.

I mean, she was different.

She was dramatic, and she was exotic.

And she talked a lot, and when she talked...

she said remarkably interesting things about music, books, film and politics.

- And she talked a lot. - Have you ever seen him less than 300 feet tall?

- No. - Huh? No.

And you won't, will you, sweetheart? No.

Kiss my neck. Yeah.

And she liked me. She liked me. She liked me.

At least, I think she did.

- Do you like that one? - Yeah.

It's okay. We went out for two years.

And I never got comfortable.

Why would a girl, no, a woman like Charlie go out with me?

I felt like a fraud.

I felt like one of those people who suddenly shave their heads...

and said they'd always been punks.

I was sure I'd be discovered at any second.

And I worried about my abilities as a lover.

And I was intimidated by other men in her design department...

and became convinced she was gonna leave me for one of them.

Then she left me for one of them.

The dreaded Marco.

Charlie! You fucking bitch! Let's work it out!

Just open the fucking door. Charlie!

Look, let's talk it-- Char--

And then I lost it.

Kinda lost it all, you know?

Faith, dignity, about fifteen pounds.

When I came to a few months later...

I found to my surprise I had flunked out of school.

Started working at a record shop.

Some people never got over 'Nam, or the night their band opened for Nirvana.

I guess I never really got over Charlie.

But the thing I learned from the whole Charlie debacle...

is that you gotta punch your weight.

You see, Charlie, she's out of my class.

She's too pretty. Too smart. Too witty. Too much.

I mean, what am I? I'm a middleweight.

Hey, I'm not the smartest guy in the world...

but I'm certainly not the dumbest.

I mean, I've read books like Unbearable Lightness of Being...

and Love in the Time of Cholera.

And I think I've understood them. They're about girls, right?

Just kidding.

But I have to say...

my all-time favorite book is Johnny Cash's autobiography, Cash byJohnny Cash.

Championship.

Hi.

- Hi. - Um...

I was thinking I could come by the house...

and pick up some stuff while you're at work tomorrow.

While I'm at work. While I'm at work.

- Ooh, boy. Oh boy, oh boy-- - That's what you've got to say...

is "Oh, boy," and " Bravo."

- Laura, this is just so dumb. - Look Rob, I gotta go.

I'm looking for a record...

for my daughter for her birthday.

"I Just Called to Say I Love You." Do you have it?

- Yeah. We have it. - Great. Great.

- Can I have it, then? - No. No.

- You can't. - Why not?

It's sentimental, tacky crap. Do we look like the kind of store that sells...

"I Just Called to Say I Love You"? Go to the mall.