Raising Hope

So I was looking for my pocket pool game in the closet

and I found this.

And I don't know what game it is,

but it kind of smells like pee.

That's 'cause I peed on it. Aah!

Why would you pee on a video game?

Jimmy, it's not a video game.

This is my ovulation kit.

I used to use it with Wyatt, so I could make extra sure

I wouldn't get pregnant.

So... why do you still have it?

Because the pharmacy has a very firm

"once peed on, no return" policy.

But you're not still using it, right?

No, no, no. Of course not.

I feel like, if we got accidentally pregnant,

that'd be great, right?

Why would it have to be accidentally?

Are you saying what I think you're saying?

I'm not... not saying what you think I'm saying.

Well, I'm not not loving what I'm hearing.

I'm not sure that I'm following

what you're not not loving.

I'm loving the idea of having a baby.

Me, too.

Let's not not do this thing.

Uh, now...

which end of this thing do I pee on?

Yuck.

Aw, you guys can't eat all this junk.

It'll kill you.

We need the energy.

It's planting season,

and I'm laying down fertilizer ten hours a day.

Planting season means all the part-time maids are

taking off for higher paying farm work,

so I'm working double shifts.

This is all that gets us through the day.

The energy drinks they sell in stores

aren't strong enough, so we make our own.

We call them cola-chinos.

I know it sounds kind of gross, but with a little sugar,

tastes kind of good.

Since the news told us

energy bars are really just candy bars

in fancy wrappers, we came up with our own idea.

The sugar-burger-- really gives us the extra pep

we need to get through the day.

My skin is electric!

Unfortunately, if you don't keep eating it,

you crash pretty hard.

You're stress eating.

What you need is to get away and relax.

We could never afford to do that.

I'm going on a retreat this weekend.

It's all-you-can-eat-and-drink, has beautiful scenery,

and it's free.

What's the catch?

No catch. All you have to do is

sit through a short presentation.

We love those!

We've fallen for several pyramid schemes.

Plus, we had a fun two months as Scientologists.

I don't know. I think...

Sorry, my pancreas seized up.

I should probably go to urgent care,

but your vacation sounds more fun.

Hope is down for her nap, so let the baby-making begin.

Here, drink this.

It's called conceivabili-tea.

Oh, God, that's awful.

Why are we drinking this stuff?

It's supposed to activate all of our fertility channels.

Why don't we just get drunk and do it

in the back of the car?

That's how everybody I know gets pregnant.

I'm ovulating right now.

We only have 72 hours to make this baby,

and I-I want to do it right.

So does that still involve me and sex?

Maw Maw?

What are you doing here?

It's all in the note.

Jimmy...

We... knew...

you...wouldn't...

Hey, let me see that.

Jimmy, we knew you wouldn't say yes to this,

but we need you to watch Maw Maw for a few days

while we go on a relaxing vacation.

You can say no, but she will surely die,

and it will be all your fault.

Your parents just ditched us with Maw Maw.

Don't act like I'm such a burden.

I may be old, but I can take care of myself.

Uh...

Well, if Maw Maw's gonna be here,

maybe we should just wait until next week

to start the whole baby thing.

No, Jimmy!

Look, if we don't get pregnant in the next three days,

then we got to wait another year.

My lady eggs are all dressed up

and ready to go to the ball right now.

A year?

I thought your eggs hatched every month. Well...

The female body is such a mystery to me.

I know it is, Jimmy.

I can't open any of these cabinets.

That's 'cause they're child-proofed.

If we get pregnant now,

then our baby will be born in November.

Just trust me 'cause I've looked at a calendar.

There have been countless studies

that show that all of the most successful babies

have been born in November.

Because they're the oldest in their class.

One reason I support your theory

is that it means we can have sex right now.

This house sucks!

Maybe we should just go do this at your parents' house.

We might be better off

dealing with Maw Maw on her own turf.

It'll be fine.

Apparently you two rocket scientists insist on

child-proofing your toilet,

so you're going to need to buy a new hamper.

This place is so luxurious.

I just got back from the bathroom;

the stalls are huge.

I can finally do my business starfish-style.

I love these big comfy chairs.

Feel like I'm on Oprah.

Oh.

Ladies and gentlemen,

I'm Shelby Hornsby, founder of Handles.

And yes, I used to have them.

Until those handles opened a door

that led me to a healthy lifestyle.

Oh, my God, Burt, everyone here is huge.

Barney brought us to a fat camp.

...just like it was for one of

our biggest and now littlest success stories:

Barney Hughes!

You may not believe it, but this tight set of buns

was once able to fill out these.

Whoa.

And recently, I helped two other people achieve

the same amazing results.

That's us.

He computerized us into fat people.

And there's the catch.

Virginia and Burt Chance, stand up and take a bow.

Two things you couldn't do six months ago.

Oh, thank you,

but Virginia and Burt are the real heroes.

Barney...

what the hell's going on?

Why'd you lie about us being fat?

I'm sorry I lied,

but I needed to tell people that I inspired you to lose weight,

so I could get my pants on

the Wall of Quadruple Excellence.

The what?

Whoa.

Oh, my God. I thought those were kites.

It's where Handles honors their most inspirational alumni.

And it's always been my dream to be up there,

but I've never been able to inspire anybody.

That's not true, Barney.

Whenever I'm having a hard day, I think, "Look at Barney.

"Dead-end job, no wife, bleak future,

"and that poor bastard always has a smile on his face.

What do I have to complain about?"

Thanks, Burt.

So will you help me?

I don't know. I don't want to give all these campers

false hope that they can have all this.

I mean, it's taken years of cigarettes, being poor

and manual labor to achieve these hot bods. Yeah.

Hey, excuse me.

We've been coming here for years,

and for the first time we were able to see

your amazing results firsthand.

Because of you,

we're gonna stop living a lie.

I don't know, Virginia.

It might be kind of cool.

We could be fake inspirations to people, like Lance Armstrong.

Anyone with the confidence

to wear biker shorts with one ball is okay with me.

Okay, Barney, we're in.

Okay, so I've lit the candles, classical music is playing.

Now, can you please explain to me

why you're standing on your hands?

Well, I read on several online baby blogs

that this helps get the smartest eggs in the, uh, prime position.

If you could maybe just help me over to the bed.

Okay.

You okay?