Friends

So, Pheebs, I was just at this bachelorette party...

...and they had a cake that was in the shape of a man's...

...thing-a-ding-ding.

And I was wondering, what would you have thought of that?

Offensive or amusing?

I'm not sure. Monica, what do you think?

- Sounds kind of tacky. - Damn it.

I'll see if they can cancel it. If not, maybe they can put eyes on the "hoojies"...

...and we'll just say it's just some sort of weird elephant.

Guys, you won't believe this!

- I just talked to my agent... - Oh, my God!

I'm sorry. Too soon. You go.

I got nominated for Days of our Lives!

- Good for you! - Congratulations!

I can't believe you're nominated for an Emmy!

- Soap Opera Digest Award? - Nope. I'm up for a "Soapie."

Is that something you're making up?

No, no, no, it's real! And it has been, since 1998.

Okay, they said they won't cancel the cake...

...but I was thinking we could write "NASA" on the side...

...and then give it to Ross. - Okay. Yeah.

Hey, Rach! I'm up for a Soapie!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! That's the third most prestigious soap opera award there is!

Thank you! I guess we know who I'll take to the awards!

Don't kid about that! Will all the stars be there?

Many are scheduled to appear.

- I can't go. I'll be too nervous! - I'll go.

You're getting married. This is all I have.

- We should celebrate. - Yes! And we will get you a cake...

...in the shape of a microphone.

With two tennis balls.

The One With Joey's Award

Ernest Muhlbrat hypothesized that the velociraptor, when threatened...

...would expand its collar and emit a high-pitched noise...

...to frighten off predators.

Mr. Lewis?

What kind of noise?

Just a high-pitched, intimidating noise.

But like how?

Well, we don't know for sure.

But in my head, it sounded something like this:

Of course, this is just conjecture.

Okay. That's all for today.

Mr. Morse, can I see you for a moment?

Yes, sir?

I need to talk to you about your midterm exam.

- I'm afraid I had to fail you. - Why?

Well, you need 60% to pass.

- What did I get? - Seven.

That's not so good.

No, no, it's not. What happened, Ned?

Maybe you can cut me some slack. I'm sort of in love.

I'm sorry, but that's really not my problem.

I'm in love with you.

That brings me in the loop a little.

That's why I did so bad on this test. I'm having a hard time concentrating.

When you're up there and you're teaching...

...and your face gets all serious...

You look so good. When you wear that tight little turtleneck sweater...

I'm your teacher. I'm sorry.

You're a student.

And I like women.

In spite of what may be written on the backs of these chairs.

That guy at the counter's totally checking you out.

Really?

- Oh, my God, he's really cute! - Go for it.

Phoebe, I'm engaged.

I'm saying, get his number, just in case.

But if Chandler's in an accident and can't perform sexually...

...he'd want you to take a lover to satisfy needs he'd no longer fulfill.

Can I just tell you something?

I'm very flattered, but I'm engaged.

This is kind of embarrassing.

I actually came over to talk to your friend.

You should be embarrassed.

- I thought you knew I looked at you. - I did, but that was really fun.

"The winner is... Joey Tribbiani!"

"I honestly never expected this.

I didn't prepare a speech.

I'd like to thank my parents, who've always been there for me.

Also like to thank my friends, Chandler, Monica, Phoebe, Rachel..."

- I'm fourth? - Jeez!

Look at you with your maple syrup award!

Maybe you don't tell anyone about this?

No big deal. I do that with my shampoo bottle.

- Really? - Yeah.

- What award are you practicing for? - Grammy.

For Best New Artist.

The Soapies people called today. I also get to present an award.

So you'll get on stage even if you don't win.

- You don't think I'll win? - Of course I do.

But Favorite Returning Character? That's a tough category.

You're up against the guy who survived his own cremation.

No, I know I might not win. But it's just...

I've never been nominated. I want it so much.

You'll probably get it.

But you should start practicing your "gracious-loser" face.

When the cameras are on you, you want to look disappointed.

But also that your colleague deserved to win. Like:

You know?

- You practice losing the Grammys too? - No, at the Grammys, I always win.

Hey, Mon. This woman only had two bites of her steak.

- Want me to wrap it up for your dog? - Oh, yeah.

- What's your dog's name again? - Joey.

- Hey! - How'd your date go with Jake?

Great. We couldn't keep our eyes off each other.

Every once in a while, he'd lean over, stroke my hair, then touch my neck.

Stop it. You're getting me all tingly.

All I could think of was, is he gonna kiss me?

- Did he? - I'm a lady. I don't kiss and tell.

But this hickey speaks for itself.

Okay, I got it. I got it.

I like him so much, I feel like I've had 10 drinks today.

I've only had six.

I haven't had that feeling since I first went out with Chandler.

- I'll never have that feeling again. - You sound like a guy.

No, a guy would say, "I'll never get to sleep with anyone else."

I'll never sleep with anyone else!

- Are you just realizing this now? - No. Maybe. Yes!

I'm so busy planning the wedding, I forgot about what I'll give up.

I'll never have a first kiss again.

You'll have a last kiss.

Can I ask you something? Has a guy ever had a crush on you?

Is that why you wanted to tie my tie?

A kid in my class said he's in love with me.

Whoa!

- Whoa, what? - Ross has a boyfriend!

I do not have a boyfriend.

There's a guy in one of my classes who has a crush on me.

- Really? - Yeah.

Last year, Elizabeth, now this kid...

What is it? Am I giving out some kind of...

...sexy-professor vibe?

Not right now.

The point is, my natural charisma has made him fail his midterm.

Now I feel bad for the kid.

I had a crush on a teacher once, and it was so hard.

I couldn't concentrate. I blushed every time he looked at me.

You remember what it's like to be 19 and in love.

- I can cut him some slack. - Yeah.

- How'd you get over that teacher? - I didn't. I got under him.

Problem solved.

- Bye, Phoebe. - Okay, bye.

- All right. Bye. - Bye.

Bye!

- Bye! - I'll miss you!

I'll miss you too!

We said goodbye at the door so as not to flaunt our new love.

It's okay. You don't have to tiptoe around me.

I've thought about it. You know what?

I'm okay, not having that new-relationship feeling.

- I miss you already! - I miss you too!

That's great, but I wouldn't trade what I have for that.

I'll be with Chandler the rest of my life. That makes me happy.

Come sit down. We're talking about how our relationship's deep...

...and meaningful. It is, don't you think?

Oh, totally.

Pull my finger.

Okay, everybody, we're back in 30.

Where have you been? They're about to give out my award.

Oh, well, I was in the bathroom, and Susan Lucci came out of a stall...

...and she had toilet paper on her shoe, so I took it.

- Favorite Returning Male... - This is my category!

- Got your speech? - Got my speech.