The Trip to Italy

Hello?

- Steve? - Yeah.

Who's this? It's Rob.

Oh, hey. Hey.

How are you?

Good. How-how are you?

Yeah, good. How is the show going?

Uh, just finished. Just starting the hiatus.

Yeah, I know.

1-1 spoke to your agent.

Listen, The Observer wants us to do more restaurant reviews,

another six lunches.

- Really? - But this time in Italy.

Ma belle ltalia, yeah?

Beautiful countryside, beautiful wine,

beautiful women, beautiful food.

What do you think?

Well, um...

And they?! fly you to Europe.

First class?

Or business or upper-class Virgin.

This is according to The Observer-

"Nowhere in Italy compares with Piemonte

"for travelers looking for a combination of fine wines,

"gastronomy, and beautiful countryside.

"The area to explore

"is just an hour's drive down the autostrada"

“from Turin, from Bra, through Alba, then Asti,

"takes you through a panoply of vineyards

"producing Italy's greatest-"

Batch, Barbaresco, Barbara.“

Hanna-Barbara.

Sufferin' succotash!

I thought I thaw a puddy tat!

I did! Pbbt!

"The Trattoria della Pasta"-

uh, which is where we're going-

"is set in rolling hills clad with vineyards.

"This elegant trattoria is the ideal place

for a romantic evening."

You know I'm not a homosexual, don't you?

No, we're not having a romantic evening.

We are gonna have a stimulating lunch.

Good. Good.

And if romance should occur,

we'll deal with it as it happens.

The only time I'd ever snuggle up to you

is if I was on the side of the Eiger, on a shelf,

and not to do so would mean I'd freeze to death.

Well, in that situation,

you know what you're meant to do.

You're meant to get as close to each other as you can.

I know. You have to spoon.

- Spooning, yeah, yeah. - I know.

Can wee on each other as well, and that's-

- Well, that's where recreation meets survival, isn't it?

Yeah.

I've also sorted out the music, the iPod.

I've gone for a- a broad selection,

a lot of Italian stuff,

a lot of, um, opera, obviously.

- Good. Good. - Don Giovanni.

Rigoletto...

Uh, Verdi.

Then a smattering of Wales and the Welsh

to tie in with the beautiful countryside.

Right, Verdi's sounding very, very appealing

right now, I have to say.

I've got some Stereophonics and some Tom-

Jones.

We're not gonna be doing any impersonations, are we?

Because we talked about that. No.

If I sing along, that's not an impersonation.

It just so happens I bear an uncanny resemblance,

vocally and physically, to Tom.

What? 'Cause you look 75?

Why is this-

Ohh!

I promise you I haven't sabotaged the sound system

because of my aversion to your karaoke inclination.

Why is- there's nothing at all.

“Mm!

Bane.

That's actually-

That is-that is nice.

I'll take your word for it.

No, no, no, no.

Grazia. Grazia.

Seriously?

You're not drinking? No.

When did this come about?

I've not drunk for about nine months.

So you're not gonna drink at all on the trip?

Wow.

I'm surprised The Observer wanted you to do this again.

I mean... Well...

Neither of us know anything about-

with respect-know anything about food, really.

I know a little bit about food.

Well, yeah, but you don't-

- But when I wrote the last ones,

I concentrated not so much on the food.

It was more a journey. It was the culture.

It was-it was Wordsworth and Coleridge.

Now ifs gonna be Byron and Shelley.

It just feels odd doing something for a second time.

You know, ifs like second album syndrome, isn't it?

Everyone has this amazing, expressive first album,

where they put everything into it,

and the second album's a bit of a damp squib.

Ifs like trying to do a sequel, isn't it?

It's never gonna be as good as the first time.

Godfather ll.

Which is the one that people always mention

when they try to search for an example

of a sequel that's as good as...

Just when I thought I was out,

they pull me back in.

What's this licking thing you always do?

You look like some sort of...

It's what Pacino does.

Small gecko.

That's what he does.

Just when I thought

I'd made two

terrific movies,

they go and make another!

I'm back in.

Ifs okay; he's just doing an impersonation.

Ifs fine.

Look at Byron.

You know, Childe Harold made him

the most popular poet in all of Europe,

and when he wrote that, he did the first two cantos, right?

And he said, "if this is a hit, I'll write more."

If ifs not a hit, I won't do any more."

You should do the same at the end of your shows-

promise the audience you won't do any more

if they don't like it.

At the end of my successful tours and live shows?

- Oh. - Okay.

Oh, gosh.

Grazia.

- Grazia. - Pnego. Buon appetite.

- Grazia. - Molto grazie.

Mmm.

That is lovely.

Childe Harold,

Byron wrote, was a thinly veiled self-portrait.

I was aware of that.

Thought we could do a similar thing with you,

Childe Stephen,

follow you on your travels and-

- Well, it wouldn't be a pseudonym, would it?

'Cause I'm called Stephen.

Byron wasn't called Harold.

- No. - Was he?

He was actually George Gordon Lord Byron.

Gordon.

Understandably, he, um-

Ditched the Gordon.

He ditched the Gordon.

It's not a romantic name.

Ifs not a poet's name, Gordon, no.

Ifs not.

Gordon Byron on line three.

Oh, God, tell him I'm not in.

He does my head in.

So Childe Stephen- we'll do it as an article,

turn it into a Sunday night serial on BBC One.

Who plays you?

A Sunday night costume drama about my life?

Yeah. Who plays you?

It could happen.

Who plays you?

Play myself.

You couldn't do that- It's "childe."

It's meant to be like a young marl.

You could have Jude Law.

Jude Law's 40-plus.

He doesn't look it, does he?

He hasn't aged like you and I.

Well, he's balding.

Yeah, but he's got that face, he does.

He's got that really young bald look.

When you played Alan Partridge-

you know, when he was popular-

you-he was more known than you.

And, of course, he was older than you.

But with me, with The Rob Brydon Show,

my name is in the title.

I sort of push that. Yeah.

If I were in a bar in a hotel in Britain, right,

and I wanted to have a drink with a girl,

I couldn't do it, 'cause there would be

an assumption- "Oh, what's he doing?"

- Go and chat to Rob Brydon? - Yeah.

People think I'm affable.

Affable. That's what I-

- Well, you are. - I'm affable. I'm affable.