Ted Lasso

Whoo!

Fuck!

-Siri, call Shithead. -

- -Oh!

Good morning.

There is nothing in The Sun about Ted and Keeley.

Nothing. Are you in your office?

Of course I am.

Then get up here now.

Bye, boys. Tell Mum I love her.

Knock, knock. Hey, boss, I don't know about you,

but I had an absolute peach of a Sunday.

-Here you go. -

Yeah, finally saw Big Ben.

Boy, I thought I'd seen the biggest clock there was.

When I was a kid, my folks took me

to the Allen-Bradley Clock Tower up there in Milwaukee.

They ended up leaving me there all by myself.

Yeah, three hours and 42 minutes. You know how I know that?

You were staring at a clock?

I was staring at a clock. That's exactly right. Yeah, bingo.

That's a little bit of a mystery puzzle.

You figured it out right away. You're a sharp cookie.

-Ted. -Yeah.

Speaking as we were mere moments ago, about time,

I unfortunately don't have any.

I have a branding meeting, so...

Oh. I always feel so bad for the cows,

but you gotta do it otherwise they get lost.

That was a branding joke.

If we were in Kansas right now,

I'd just be sitting here waiting for you to finish laughing. Yeah.

I'll see ya tomorrow, okay?

-Okay. Counting the minutes. -Yeah, there you are.

All right. Let's see what we got here. I've got this fella up here, the goalie.

Then all these guys over here, okay?

And going over here, going over that way.

This son of a gun's gonna go all the way down here.

Crystal Palace kicked our booties last week.

And this here, is our current offense that we are running,

and I think it stinks!

Get rid of it.

Now, you might be wondering why'd I draw all that up there just to erase it.

And that is because I believe in symbolic gestures.

- As do I. -Whoa!

What time did you get home last night?

-Didn't. -Really? Oh.

Nah.

Now, look, our whole offense right now is all give-and-go.

Give the ball to Jamie and everyone else can go to hell.

So, I am officially on the prowl for any new ideas, you hear?

Oh.

-You got something, Nate? -Uh, no.

Uh, so...

No. No. God, no. Never mind, I'm sorry.

Come on now. You're one of us. Let's go. Fire away. What do you got?

Okay, right. Well, it's just, um... No, other pocket.

It's just something that I thought of.

Um...

Sorry. Jesus.

Not that one.

You know what, it's not even very good.

It's probably really bad. It's embarrassing even.

-I just-- -Sorry, Nate.

I have a real tricky time hearing folks that don't believe in themselves.

I'm gonna ask you real quick again.

-Do you think this idea will work? -Yeah, I do.

Whoa!

-Why you screaming at us, Nate? -Oh, God!

We're right here.

All right, come on now. Walk us through it.

Okay. So, I thought if we started the attack on the wing,

Jamie could run through nearside,

then when the defense follows, Sam could fill his spot.

So, use Jamie as a decoy?

No.

No. Well, yeah, in-- Yeah, in this case, yes.

Let's give it a shot.

What, you're gonna use my play?

Yeah. I mean, we're gonna try it on, see if it fits.

You know, it might not.

Then again, it might be a very flattering silhouette,

and I might wear it right outta the store.

Makes me feel good and I start to strut.

I'm like, "Ooh, I like this. I like the way this makes me feel."

Show him your strut, Coach.

Yeah, there you go. Oh, yeah. Yep, that's how to strut.

Let me see you strut, Nate. Come on.

There you go, Nate. Yeah, that's one way to do it.

There you go.

You look a little angry, but that's all right.

That's my fault. I forgot the pitch is right this way.

Come on, let's go. Strut this way. Here we go.

Still strutting.

-I'll see you later. Yeah. -Yeah.

Ted! Hey, um, have you got a minute?

-Yeah, yeah, yeah. Everything okay? -Yeah, yeah. No, it's fine, yeah.

-It's not fine. Everything's shit. -Oh, no.

This was gonna be the front page of The Sun today.

"Manager Shags Star Player's Girlfriend."

I think a more accurate headline would be,

"Manager Innocently Feeds Young Woman Whose Relationship Does Not Define Her."

Ted, this is really bad!

Except I look insanely fit in this picture.

Yeah, no, it's beautiful light.

My friend who works at the paper said he can hold this story for one day

-as a favor. -Mm-hmm.

When this shit hits, Jamie is going to go mental.

There's going to be photographers all over us.

Right, right.

The next picture of me will not be this perfect.

I am gonna be mid-sneeze face, like--

-Guess what the headline will be. -Gesundheit?

"Jamie's Tart Breaks Tartt's Heart."

-Did you just come up with that? -Yeah.

-Everyone would read that. -Of course they would.

You have no idea the power of rhyming in this goddamn country.

Yeah.

Oh, "Lasso Makes Passo and Creates Team Fiasco."

Whoa. Keeley's got bars.

Yeah, I'm cute as a button and I can rhyme my ass off.

God, it's no wonder they want to destroy me.

Yeah, yeah.

Sorry, it took me so long to get up the stairs.

I was... stopped to talk by about a hundred people.

Still nothing.

Get someone to run the story about Ted and Keeley.

-Hey, boss. -Ted! And Keeley. Hello.

Hey, I found that in the hall. Yeah.

So, we got ourselves a situation here.

Go ahead, show her the picture, yeah.

See? And the fucking Sun is running it tomorrow.

Honestly, these people,

they just have no regard for people's privacy and dignity.

Yeah, I'm gonna find the piece of shit that took this and who hired them.

No, no. Not necessary.

I know the owner of the paper. I can get this stopped with a phone call.

Really? Oh, my God. Thank you.

See, what I tell ya, huh?

This woman right here is strong, confident and powerful.

Boss, I tell ya, I'd hate to see you and Michelle Obama arm wrestle,

but I wouldn't be able to take my eyes off it either.

Oh. That's not a compliment I've had before.

-You do have perfect action figure-y arms. -Yeah.

There's another one. Anyway, glad to help.

-All right. Yeah. -Thank you.

-Okay. - See y'all later.

There's no way she can trace that photo back to me, can she?

- Yes. -What do you mean "yes"?

Did you not use an alias or a burner phone?

I'm not a spy, Rebecca. I'm just the director of football operations.

And equally proficient at both.

Well, thank you. Wait...

Okay, here we go. Sam lays it for Dickson.

Okay, nice touch.

Switch to Bumbercatch.

Jamie decoys through.

-Sam wide open. - There it is!

Whoo!

Nice play, Nate. How you feel?

I just don't know. So many new feelings. Yeah.

Kinda like getting your first pube, right?

-Yeah. What? -Here we go.

All right. Hey. Nice work.

Okay, now, gentlemen,

here's the other thing we're gonna start focusing on.

Making quicker transitions from offense to defense.

Y'all gotta start making your hellos goodbyes. You understand?

Easiest way to get that done well is to do it well.

But aside from that, you gotta be in great shape, right?

So, we are all gonna run two laps around this field.

Anyone who loses to me has to run four more. Let's go!

-Okay, come on. What you got? - What's going on?

You're catching up. Don't cut that corner!

Come on. You can't catch me, I'm the gingerbread man.

Faster, boys!

-Look at his face. -Colin, Isaac, please stop.

Yeah, it really hurts now. It really hurts.

Be careful, Colin, now. That's our new coach.

- Oh, right, boyo. - Yeah.

Sorry, gaffer.

-Thank you. -

- - Whoo!

Okay, way to run out there today, fellas.

You guys are much faster than me.

- -Except Coach Beard.

What's going on? I thought you ran track in high school or something.

-Chess team, Coach. -Mm-hmm.

Illinois State Champs, baby.

Okay, yeah. Illinois is a state, fellas.

Uh, one last thing, there are some gifts up in y'all's lockers.

In your little cubbies up there. So, hope you enjoy 'em.

It's a fucking book.

Nice one, bitch boy.

-Hey. -Yeah, I just thought you should know

that your boy Nathan's being harassed every single day

by Jamie and his little... side-pricks.

-Right. -So you know already?

Yep.

So, you'll take care of it?