Tales from the Darkside

Man lives in the sunlit world

of what he believes to be reality.

But... there is,

unseen by most, an underworld.

A place that is just as real

but not as brightly lit.

A dark side.

It should have been just another Thursday.

Thirst-day, I call it.

Of course, as far as I'm concerned,

every day is Thirst-day.

The only thing on my mind was the sweet music

and some jingling ice cubes.

That's where it all started.

Benny's Lounge.

All I was looking for was a little quick amnesia.

I mean, you try ten hours a day selling life insurance.

You got to make them think about death, not life.

Well, an hour or so in Benny's

always made me forget about death.

My own death, and the death of my marriage.

After my divorce,

I got to spending all my evenings at Benny's.

I'm two up on you already.

No contest.

Keep 'em filled till that's gone.

That's where I met Curtis.

Curtis was a regular--

a regular customer and a regular guy.

They say misery loves company.

Well, Curtis was great company.

Must be pay day, huh? Huh.

Yep. Company pays me, then I pay the ex.

First the IRS,

then the dress. This is all that's left.

Even the roaches moved out.

They were starving, living with me.

I say, "Good riddance to 'em."

Roaches?

The dames.

We're better off without them.

Yeah, except that what gets me

is the way everyone treats you once you're solo.

You ever notice that?

Ah, come on. Don't go into that again, will you?

Nah, nah. You get the worst tables in restaurants.

Your married friends don't call you anymore.

Ah...

Without the other half, you're strictly half-assed.

I know the routine, Curtis.

See, what you and I need is-is-is something

between married and single,

something in the middle of the road.

The middle of the road, huh?

Mm-hmm.

The middle of the road's where the white line is.

That's the most dangerous place to drive.

: Is that so?

Well, then, let's take a drive.

I know the perfect girl.

Come off it, will you?

I'm not in the mood. Anyway, I'm broke.

Nah, nah. No hanky-panky.

Trust me.

I just want to have some fun, that's all.

Come on.

Come on.

I should have listened to that little voice,

telling me to stay put.

I mean, Curtis always had funny ideas,

but this one was out of bounds.

Shh, shh, shh.

There's some scotch in the icebox.

Aren't they gonna miss that thing down at the store?

Hell, no.

Store's got more of these than we ever use.

She's just as lonely as we are.

Everybody needs a little love, right, doll?

Here you go.

Ah, to Estelle.

Estelle.

I should have checked out right then and there.

Estelle, listen to this.

But it was so crazy, it was fun.

What happens when you cross a cantaloupe and a collie?

Huh? I don't know.

You don't know?

You get a melancholy baby!

And Curtis could be a real charmer,

even with a dummy like Estelle.

So, I went along with it, telling jokes,

reminiscing about the war,

all kinds of nonsense.

I got one. Go ahead.

She just sat there,

quiet and attentive,

not like these mouthy dames you meet nowadays.

Just about ready to blast this guy.

He turns around, and it's one of our own men.

Estelle doesn't want to hear any war stories.

Let's liven this up a little.

I got another one for you.

What happens when you cross an elephant

with peanut butter?

You get peanut butter that never forgets!

Yeah, we were drunk, real drunk.

When Curtis started dancing with the doll,

I started to feel like the odd man out.

Like a, like a jealous school boy.

Crazy, huh?

I mean, after all, it was just a damn piece of wood, right?

What happened next,

I guess I just wrote off to all the booze.

But, as I was leaving,

I could swear the damn thing stared at me.

Just stared at me.

I didn't see Curtis for a few days after that.

I figured he might be sick.

When I called the store where he worked,

they said he took a week off.

A week off?

Curtis's idea of a vacation was an extra hour at Benny's,

and I knew he hadn't been there.

So, when he called to invite me to dinner,

I figured, "What the hell?"

I hadn't had a good meal in months.

Although the idea of Curtis enjoying domestic chores

was a new one on me.

Right on time. Come on in.

I can't believe I'm actually going

to eat something that you cooked.

Hey, there's someone here who wants to see you.

Ha-ha.

You got to be kidding.

Scotch, right?

Here you go, pal.

How about one for the lady?

Estelle doesn't like liquor.

Mmm. Don't worry, though.

She's no prude.

Never gives me any grief, either.

Isn't that right, honey?

Huh? You're right.

You hungry? I'm famished.

Uh, hey, uh, they told me you, uh, you took a week off

from work, huh?

Yeah, that was Estelle's idea.

Estelle?

Yeah.

She'd never been to Atlantic City.

So I took her.

We had a ball.

Yeah, sure. Uh, how was the water, Estelle?

Estelle doesn't swim.

Hey.

How about that necklace I bought her?

Are you serious?

You went to Atlantic City with that thing?

We got the red carpet.

They really know how to treat a couple.

A couple of what?

Here's to you, doll.

Uh...

I guess she doesn't like your cooking, huh?

Eats like a bird.

Fanatic about her figure.

Hey, Curtis.

Don-Don't you think you're taking this thing

a little too far?

Carrying what a little too far?

This business with Estelle.

I mean, uh, people might think you're off your nut.

Nah.

It's like I always said,

"When you're solo, you get second-class treatment."

Ever since me and Estelle have been going out...

Hey, get off it, will ya, Curtis?

What do you take me for, an idiot?

This is a dummy--

a lifeless, soulless piece of wood.

See what you've done?

You've upset her.

What did you want to go and do that for?

Okay, look. I-I know I've had a few drinks,

but you don't really expect me to believe this.

Keep your opinions to yourself, pal.

Okay. Okay.

Maybe I was wrong, Curtis.

Maybe you're a real lucky guy.

Luckiest around.

Oh, sure. Yeah, I can see that.

I mean, she's pretty.

Keeps her mouth shut.

Hey, I bet she's real good in the sack, huh?

Don't you talk that way.

Oh, yeah.

She could probably do

a real fancy dance with these double joints of hers.

Probably keep old Curtis's head spinning like a roulette wheel.

Cut it out, Roberts!