Life in Pieces

_

Hi!

Thank you for watching Lark. It's so nice we can

trust you with her now that she doesn't

have soft spots in her skull.

We had so much fun.

Lark, come show Mommy.

Boom. Aunt Colleen fixed me.

Now I'm pretty.

Wha... but-but you're also pretty in your brain, too.

Right? Where it, where it really matters.

Lark found one of my old pageant gowns I had stored in the attic.

What-what was Lark doing in the attic?

I don't know. I asked her, she wouldn't tell me.

Yeah. I forgot that you used to do pageants.

- That's right. - (BOTH LAUGH)

All right. Let's, uh,

let's get this dress off of you.

- Oh. - Can I keep it?

Uh, it's "May I keep it?"

And the answer is no.

Well, of course she can keep it. She looks great in it.

Who knows, Jen? You might have a pageant star on your hands.

We might.

Yeah.

She is beautiful, but her real talent is math.

Right, Lark?

What's two plus two?

Green.

Spin around again. Show her.

Look what I had to peel off our daughter.

Oh.

Did I miss Lark's preschool prom?

No.

Colleen decided to dress up Lark

in one of her old pageant outfits.

Freaked me out so much,

I went and bought her a blazer

- and some smart slacks. - What's the big deal?

Kids love playing dress-up and so do some adults.

For the last time, Iron Man and Wonder Woman

are never having sex, okay?

She's a natural-born superbeing,

and he is a rich mortal with some high tech gadgets.

Okay. The fact that you even know that

only makes this fantasy more intense.

It's just weird of Colleen to be dressing her up

in these girly costumes, you know?

I think I need to say something to her.

I really don't think you should. All right?

I mean, Matt and Colleen, they're having trouble

getting pregnant, and look, this is making her happy.

You know? Maybe you should just let it go.

Yeah.

I guess you're right.

Think of pimping out our daughter as a mitzvah.

Aw, you used a Jewish word.

I did.

All right, go get the costume.

: Cool.

- Hi! - Hi.

Oh...

Uh, wow, Colleen.

I wasn't expecting you.

Well, I couldn't help but notice

how much you loved seeing Lark in my old dress.

I mean, your face was literally, like...

: It was. It was just literally like that.

I knew you caught pageant fever.

So, I brought over all these outfits, so we can really see

what we're working with.

Mm.

Now, I have one question.

Can Lark twerk?

- No. - (GROANS)

- But we tried, right? - (BOTH LAUGH)

Well, if I can teach Joan to twerk, I can teach anyone.

Is Lark sleeping?

Lark!

Time to wake up!

Okay. I'm practicing my fake smile, right?

So when Colleen comes out,

even if Lark is spray-tanned,

I'm just gonna go like this:

"Look at you!"

What do you think?

Well, that's your brunch face.

- I know! Come on, let's show Mommy.

Wow!

Look at you!

I'm bringing sexy back.

Doesn't she look amazing?

If she got kidnapped right now,

the press would have a field day.

Uh, excuse me, did-did you put junk

- in our daughter's trunk? - Yeah.

I had to pad her butt.

The judges really respond to curves.

Sorry, uh, what judges?

I signed Lark up for her first pageant.

Without asking me?

Well, with "us." She should've asked us, right?

We can talk about that later.

You guys, don't worry. With my help,

this little girl is gonna rise

straight to the top. Which in this case,

is the basement of an airport Radisson.

I'm sorry, no. I-I'm...

- I have to put an end to this. - No...

Enough. We're not entering Lark into anything.

But why not?

Look how happy she is.

Yeah, but what does she know?

She's chewing on her eyelash.

Oh. Horse hair

is completely edible.

I mean, it doesn't matter, all animal hair is.

It's fine.

No, it's not fine. Okay?

I'm her mother, and it's not up to you.

So you and Matt can do this to your own daughter.

Oh...

Hmm.

I, uh, I-I'm sorry.

I didn't, I didn't mean to...

No, no, no. It's fine. It's okay.

Come on, Lark. We got to get you in a warm bath for an hour

so the butt glue will dissolve.

Hey.

Listen, I feel really bad about the way that came out.

No. No, don't.

I overstepped.

It's just, we have been trying so hard to have a kid

that it was really nice to be reminded

of what we're actually working toward.

Yeah, I know.

Hey, you know what? Just because we don't

want Lark wearing a swimsuit in a Radisson ballroom

doesn't mean you can't still hang out with her.

Aw. It's a Radisson basement.

- Okay. - And I love her so much.

Well, you can play with her anytime you want.

I just hate that she's never gonna get to do

the routine we practiced.

Yep.

Well, them's the breaks.

- (BOTH CHUCKLE) - I guess.

- Good lesson for her, you know. - Uh-huh.

That you work hard at things and sometimes, they don't pay off.

She just got so good at it.

Yeah, yeah. She's a little Renaissance toddler. So...

And that baton was super expensive.

I had to overnight it...

- Mm-hmm. - Which cost even more.

I don't know what their return policy is,

- so then, I'm just like, out... - Okay.

- Okay, fine. You win. - that cash.

- (GIGGLES) - But I am her manager,

so I have a few notes.

Okay. Now,

before we get started,

just a reminder:

do not look directly at Lark.

Because you are about to see a star. (GIGGLES)

Does Colleen know that you can look directly at stars?

Hit it, Matt.

Yes.

She looks like a very successful drug dealer's wife.

Greg. She looks like a very successful drug dealer.

She's doing it, Matt.

She's beautiful.

Oh, dear God, I hope we have a boy.

Oh, boys can do pageants, too.

- Yay! - Yes. Yes.

- Yeah, baby. - Yay!

I did it!

_

It was a beach cruiser

with a wicker basket... It was right there

in the driveway, then it was gone.

You know, it's such a violation to be robbed.

It was a gift from my husband.

Don't you want to write this down?

Ma'am, I worked at Fuddruckers for five years.

I don't need to write it down.

Right, okay, well then, dust for prints, call for backup.

I just need to know that when bad things happen,

somebody will step up and do what's good.

Ma'am, I believe what you're describing is Batman.

Oh, well, then call him.

That cop couldn't have cared less about my bike.

She just gave up and then moved on to some missing persons case.

All right. Let's find it on Craigslist.

- (SIGHS) - How would a robber

describe your bike?

Like a sunset

after a week of rain.

It had a kind of energy to it.

- So we'll say pink. - Perfect.