Adam Sandler: 100% Fresh

Okay, ready, and...

Take your own cue, Adam. And action, Dan!

Fuck those cars. You should....

I have one. I have an electric car.

But at least I have the decency when I'm driving,

to put my head out the window and go, "Here comes the Sandman."

"Sandman coming. Watch out."

How about those Tesla's now driving themselves?

Those Teslas, that's pretty cool.

They can drive themselves. Holy shit, man.

I got in an accident with a Tesla and nobody was in there, and I didn't know who to exchange the information with...

and I started screaming, "Hey, you fucker. What the fuck?"

And the Tesla's, you know, fucking windshield wipers are flappin' about.

And I was like, "What the fuck does that mean? You did it."

And its fucking lights are going on and off.

Like it's saying, "Okay. All right." And, uh...

Then we go to court

and I'm like, "I'm going to fucking destroy this thing." And then the Tesla shows up in a neck brace,

and I say, "Oh, give me a fucking break.

What a liar. He's a fucking liar."

You ever go over to somebody's house

and, uh...

you ring the doorbell and the guy answers, and he says, "Hey, take your shoes off"?

And then you go, "Oh, God. Okay."

And then he goes, "Hey, take your socks off."

And you're like,"Take my socks off?"

And then he goes, "Roll up your pants." You're like, "Roll my pants up?"

He puts some grapes down, and goes, "Start stomping the grapes."

You're like, "What the fuck are we doing?" He's like, "Making the wine!"

"You make me the wine."

My wife's always putting lotion on my face.

Don't you put a lot of lotion on your face out here in LA?

My wife fucking really lathers on the lotion.

She always says she's looking out for me.

She just puts a lot of lotion. Like, there's too much.

Doesn't rub it in either.

She just puts it on my forehead, my cheeks, my nose...

Then I found out, before me,

my wife used to date a lemon meringue pie.

And I was like--

She still likes him. She still likes him. I know she does.

I don't give a shit.

My father used to shave--

My dad had a beard,

and then, literally, every ten years would shave his beard.

Like, didn't ask us, just fucking came out of nowhere, shaved.

It was-- Any time my father shaved his beard,

it was the only time you saw him look vulnerable.

When he first came out of the bathroom, he was like...

I was like, "Dad has dimples?" I didn't know Dad had dimples."

"It'll grow back."

Why'd you do it?

"I don't know.

It was...

It was itchy."

"It's been itchy for ten fucking years?"

I went to my friend's house and he had a heated toilet seat.

I sat on his heated toilet seat. I've got to say it made you relax.

I went a lot better than I usually go.

I came out and said, "I like that heated toilet seat. Where'd you get that?"

He goes, "I don't have a heated toilet seat."

You ever walking down the street and you say hi to a baby?

And, uh...

And the baby goes...

And you're going, "Yeah, that's great."

And then-- And the mother goes, "He can say 'hi' back."

And you go, "Oh, yeah?" And the kid goes...

You go, "There it is."

Then mother goes, "No, he really can say it."

And the kid goes...

And you go, "Hey, that was great."

The mother goes, "No, he really can say it."

And the kid goes...

And you go, "There it is. That was it, right?"

And the mother's like, "No! Say it. Say hi."

And the kid's like...

And-- And then the mother's like, "What the fuck? Say it!

You said it earlier!"

And the kid's like...

And you're like, "Hey, that was a full sentence. That's better than 'Hi'."

And the mother's like, "What the--? I'm so mad at you, baby!"

And then she like hands you the baby and is like, "I've got to walk this off.

This is very discouraging for me.

He said it earlier!"

And you're holding the baby, like...

"Say it. Go ahead and say it. Say, 'Hi'.

Come on, you really upset your mother."

And the kid's looking at you...

And you're like, "Come on, get it out." It's gonna make her feel better.

And the kid's like... And you're like, "You can do it. Come on."

And the kid's like...

"Help me.

She-- She...

She won't let me get vaccinated."

Come on, there's no proof that that's good or bad yet.

"I've been getting sick a lot."

Wait, what day is it?

Shit.

The trial was last week.

And he got the chair?

My wife and I, we fool around pretty hardcore.

We go at a pretty good. It's fun.

You know, it's nice. We love each other, and we fucking go pretty hard and...

It gets crazy. It gets pretty fucking nuts in there

because it's only me and her, nobody else.

So, we're like, "Let's fucking-- Let's do it all," you know?

We do, uh-- We do have a safe word.

It's, "Really?"

My whole life, I always wanted to be able to do a flip.

Wouldn't that be great?

I was always growing up, going, "Man, I've got to get a flip going.

Everybody will love me if I could just do a flip."

Everybody would be like, "Whoa, did you see the Sandman?

He popped out a flip."

I just wanted to be in a fucking Marshalls or something,

buying some cheap clothes and going, "Hey, watch this."

Pop a flip and have the fucking lady at the cash register go,

"Did you fucking see that kid with the flip?"

I'd be like. "Hey, I do it all the time."

But I never got that one down, man. I wish I did.

Always I was like-- I didn't know how to fucking practice.

That was the problem.

I didn't know how to do my first try. I would always get to right about here,

and then go, "Ah, I don't know. I'm gonna get hurt."

And when I got older, I wanted to learn how to speak fluent Italian too.

And I did that. I mastered that.

So, I'm in Italy, and I meet the Pope himself,

and in fluent Italian, I say to him,

"Hey, I love what you've done for the Church.

I love what you you're doing for the world.

America says, 'Hello.'

Um...

Am I getting into heaven?"

And in Italian he says, "Can you do a flip?"

And I was like, "Madonne!"

Shit.

Did you ever have a friend who rescues too many animals

and, like, never can do anything?

"Hey, you want to go out in a couple days?"

"Ah, no, my chicken's eye fell out

and I've got to paste it back on."

"Oh, okay. That shouldn't take that long."

"Well, one of the ducks, she isn't quacking, so...

I've got to look--

I've got to look into that."

Okay.

Dling!

By the way, I never met this man.

Uh, this one is kind of a Bee Gee-esque tune.

Kind of a... You like the Bee Gees out there?

I always liked the Bee Gees.

Thank you.

Oh, yes.

-What the hell happened? -I fucked it up.

No! You don't just start over!

You apologize to me!

You don't just do that to the Sandman!

Okay.

Let's start again. We'll cut around it.

Not yet!

Hit it!

Hoo!

Yes, yes, yes.

I fucked up. All right, sorry.

Fuck that shit!

The Sandman don't fuck up.

Ooh, from the top.

Let me hear you.

Let's go.

Thank you.

Yeah, okay, we did that again. I think that was better than the first time.

Do you? Yes, yes. Absolutely.

Okay, here comes a song.

More dancing.

Yes, sir.

Here we go, here we go, here we go.

Should we clap along?

All right, let's lose that. I hate it.

Sorry.

You were right on it.

It's a thing of mine, man. I don't fucking like that shit.

It was startling me.

No!

Thank you. Thank you.

I'm a triple threat though. You didn't know I could dance that fucking good.

Took many lessons growing up, man.

The hula-- The hula hoop.

Hula hoop, by the way, is very horny looking.

When I'm at my fucking kids' birthday parties

and some kid gives me a hula hoop

and I'm doing it, I feel so fucking gross. I'm going...

You see other parents like, "What the fuck?"

Do you ever play miniature golf with your daughter

and you're tied on the 18th hole?

And in the middle of her backswing,

you just say, "Hey, I tea-bagged your mother this morning."

And then--

And then the kid sinks the putt and goes, "Yeah, I know, I saw."

And you're like, "This kid stays concentrated."

She's fucking good. She's got focus. She could be somebody.