Big Mouth

Oh, Maury, I can't get Bernie Sanders off my mind.

Oh, you came so close to touching her sweet socialist sweater sausages.

Ew. They're not sausages. Come on. What's the matter with you?

Oh, I'm sorry, I think it's the pregnancy hormones.

And maybe the stress of Connie not wanting the baby.

Okay, wow. That's a lot of information.

I guess people really need to watch the spin-off.

Yeah, they watched it. You didn't watch it?

I can't watch shows with my friends in them. It just takes me out.

Hey, Andrew!

Get out there and shovel the driveway before it stops snowing.

Can't you just hire someone with a snowplow?

You're my snowplow! I already pay you in dinner!

Brittany, your turn.

Fuck Brittany, and fuck these board games!

We've been snowed in with your family for two weeks.

I know. It feels like a million years since Jay's long tongue was in my mouth.

So fucking long.

I just wanna see him so bad.

It makes me wanna... wanna...

Kill your whole family?

No, it makes me wanna sing.

Oh, fuck yeah. I love that idea.

There he is, Maury.

- He's even hotter than I remember. - Matthew.

Go to him. Lasso him with your dick and pin him down with your tongue.

Get out. Look out. Ah!

Holy shit, I'm so fucking horny for you.

Oh, what I wouldn't give to attack Bernie Sanders just like that.

Andrew, don't use the word "attack."

But I know what you mean. I'm feeling kinda randy.

I guess it's because I'm, like, becoming a big, studly man too.

Oh yeah, my man's got a hard little piece of chalk in his panties.

You know what? I'm gonna text Bernie right now.

"Dear Sugarpuss..."

I know. Pretty erotic, right?

Oh God. It's so hot how smooth and clean your teeth are.

It's like kissing a dentist.

Oh yeah, we needed that.

We really did.

Wait. Maury, are you smoking?

Oh yeah, for hormone monsters, smoking is...

It's actually very good for the baby.

Ooh! Hey, Matthew.

Maybe after school, we could go back to your place

and I could "shovel your driveway."

I don't know what that means, but I want it.

Are you kidding? It's one thing to come out to my devout family.

It's a whole other thing to bring my boyfriend home.

Oh, come on, they already know you're gay.

Now it's time to rub their faces in it.

No. My mom and I are finally talking again.

- I don't wanna rock the boat. - All right.

Um, Jay, maybe we could find a more private place to hook up.

Oh yeah, sure. Like an empty septic tank?

- Uh, less private than that. - Oh, I got it.

My pants car has finally thawed out from that snowbank.

I could lay you down on a bed of denim

and worship your body for free.

- That actually sounds... pretty great. - I know.

I bet you think it bothers me that Jay picked Matthew over me.

Oh. Are you talking to us?

Sweetie, I'm talking to anybody who will listen.

- Is that Andrew? - Lola, what happened to your bangs?

Oh my God, thank you.

It's a new year, so it's a new me.

And while I was not asked to sing in the opening number,

I, too, am as horny as my bangs are long.

Hey, Lola, we're twins.

I grew out my bangs too.

My nose bangs.

My lips are too shy to be nudie.

Missy, why do all the guys at our school suck?

Yeah, this bakery is fresh out of stud muffins.

You know who doesn't suck? Judd.

He's a man with a motor vehicle and a license to kill... that pussy.

As much as I would love for him to murder my vagina,

it's never gonna happen.

He's too old for me.

Oh, Missy. Stud muffin, hot out of the oven, four o'clock.

Oh yeah, he's cute.

Hey, Jessi, who's that dirty little danish over there?

Him? I think he's just an extra.

See how he's just standing there and, like, blinking occasionally?

He can't be an extra. We're talking about him.

Yeah. What's his deal?

I bet he sleeps nude in an RV on the beach,

with an ashtray in his bed and an angry dog by his side.

What is that? Is that from something?

It's Mel Gibson in Lethal Weapon.

Oh, okay.

I only know him from his work as a racist and an anti-Semite.

Well, he used to be an actor too.

We got too much mail today.

I'm sorry, Marty.

Maury, Bernie Sanders replied to my text. She wants to Zoom.

Yeah, let's go upstairs and Zoom-Zoom from your room-room.

Where do you think you're going, you number one pervert?

Oh, I think I left the light on in my room.

- Even though nobody's up there. - What?

But that's fine, right? I should leave it.

What're you nuts?!

Turn it off before I stab you in the eye with this fork.

Like taking candy from a baby.

Looks like it's just you and me.

I think I might have left the light on in the garage.

You too? Go! Get outta here!

Like taking candy from a baby.

Everybody's stupid but me.

Ultimate boner achieved.

Oh, this is the dream.

A horny robot boyfriend with his own pants car.

Robo-Jay requires more tongue action.

Uh, is the car moving?

Oh, sweet Matthew, I think that's just my dick.

No, Jay. We're rolling towards the edge of the cliff.

- Holy shit. - Oh fuck!

- The brakes don't work. - Neither do the doors. We're gonna die.

Oh God!

Initiating life-saving mode.

No.

Holy shit. We're alive.

Oh no! My pants car!

Matthew, your denim-stuffed cum chariot is destroyed.

Shit, where are we gonna hook up now?

At least my kerosene-soaked fireworks are okay.

Oh, come on!

I was saving those for our one-month anniversary.

Oh man, she's connecting to computer audio.

- Hey, Andrew. - Bernie.

I know it's only been a few weeks, but I miss you so much.

Me too. I just wanna sneak up behind you and attack you.

Yes, I feel the same way.

I can't stop thinking about the last time we were together. We came so close to...

Fondling each other's breasts?

Yeah, that's exactly what I was gonna say.

But, um, I don't know, maybe we should try again right now?

What do you mean?

Like, you squeeze your boobs and I squeeze mine?

Ooh, I like it.

Oh, that feels nice.

Should we maybe take off our shirts?

Okay. This is gonna be over in about 45 seconds.

Holy shit. I mean, yeah.

I'm gonna take off my shirt

so you can see my Jewish fucking torso.

- Yes, you... Oh. Andrew? - Oh, you like that?

- Andrew. - Excuse me?

Because this little whore is just getting started, baby.

Andrew, what is happening?

Oh shit! Mom.

Just keep going. We'll deal with the fallout later.

What's that nympho doing now?

Why is your shirt off?

Why are you on Zoom?

- It's the family account. - That's it.

We can't trust you with your own penis.

Oh God. What does that mean?

Your pecker or your door? One of them's getting removed.

- The door. - The door.

- The goddamn door. - The door?

Let's see if you like molesting yourself with an audience.

Oh yeah, he quite enjoys that, yes.

Okay, careful. One more step.

Ta-da!

- Uh, Jay, where are we? - Nick's attic.

I know you wanted me to find a new hookup place, and this is perfect.

It's dark. It's private,

and it stinks really good, like the gym locker room.

Jayzarian Rickflairian Bilzerian.

What are you doing here?

Well, the ghost of Duke Ellington, this is my new boyfriend, Matthew.

Hey, Matt.

Turns out we can't hardcore french each other's bods at either of our houses

'cause our families are germophobic.

I think what Jay means is "homophobic."

Oh no, my dad actually considers me to be a virus.

Uh, Jay, is he gonna be here the whole time, or...

No, I'm not some creep.

I'm gonna go watch Elliot and Diane fuck.

- Okay. - Elliot weeps when he cums.

Well? What do you think? Pretty great, huh?

Well, it's either this stinky attic or your mom's Jesus-y house.

I can make this work.

Yeah.

What the fuck, Jay?

You hooked up at my house?

Oh yeah, baby.

I also watched you sleep

- in your little boy, bacon-and-egg PJs. - What?

Andrew, you should use Nick's attic to hook up with Bernie.

Your psycho dad won't be there with his castrating screwdriver.

Ooh, Nick, what kind of Wi-Fi do you have in your attic?

Do you think you have the bandwidth to broadcast this fat ass?

No. I don't want anyone hooking up in my house, especially if I'm not.

Missy, there he is. Little Mel Gibson.

Uh, I do think we should talk about the nickname. Ooh.

I'm sorry, uh...

I'm Missy. And your name is? Tell me now. Your name?

Elijah. I just moved here from Virginia.