Mom

Previously on "Mom"...

Santa Cruz is only

a three hour and 12 minute drive.

Do you think we should try the long-distance thing?

I'm game.

Don't I know you from that time we slept together?

It's kind of a bad time. I-I really got to study.

This isn't just hooking up anymore.

Cooper, look... I just don't have the same feelings for you.

I just don't get it, Christy.

I mean, it would be one thing if there was another guy.

Oh! There is.

There's totally another guy.

I guess I want to be with the other guy.

Wow, Christy's driving down to Santa Cruz to see Patrick.

Come on, Bonnie!

This wedding starts at 3:00.

- You ready? - Unfortunately,

yes.

Wow. You look...

I know. "Ho, ho, ho, Green Giant."

How'd you get roped into this?

I made the mistake of being nice.

Judy's in our meeting. One time I told her to hang in there.

Next thing I know, I'm her emergency contact

and a bridesmaid.

Wait a minute. I put on a tie for a woman you barely know?

You want to trade?

How did Christy get out of this?

Judy hates her.

They shared the coffee commitment once,

and it almost led to a fistfight.

Stupid Marjorie broke it up.

Have you seen my pearl earrings?

I've never noticed earrings in my entire life.

Except for the guy at my Starbucks.

He's got, like, a piece of driftwood in there.

Hey, Mom.

Hi. Do you know where my pearl earrings are?

No idea.

And again, they're not pearls.

They're just white plastic beads.

Yeah, well, now I have no earrings to wear to the wedding.

I've seen that dress. You don't need earrings.

You need a rim of salt around your head.

How's it going with Patrick?

It's not. I've been stuck in traffic for hours.

I'm close to peeing in my Big Gulp.

If you do, make sure you dump it out the window.

I had a bad experience once.

After all this, I just hope he's home when I get there.

You didn't call first?

No! You don't call ahead

when you're about to make a big romantic gesture.

Have you never seen a Sandra Bullock movie?

Not willingly, no.

You don't call before you run to the airport to stop the plane,

or bang on the church window,

or go back in time to make sure your parents kiss.

You just do it.

Mom? Did I lose you?

Damn it.

If you're there, I can't hear you.

Mom?

I'm pretending I can't hear her.

It drives her crazy.

Mom?

Mom!

Mom?!

Mom?!

Oh, my God, he isn't here?

Oh, my God, what have I done?

Oh, Lucy. Lucy girl.

Christy?

Hi.

Hi.

Uh... what are you doing?

Making a big romantic gesture.

On my roses?

Patrick, I want to be with you.

Well, I want to be with you, too.

Great. I'll tell you what.

Um, when you're done,

come on inside. We'll have a little snack,

and we'll erase the security video together.

I don't think your dog likes me.

Well, you are on her spot.

Come on, Lucy.

*MOM* Season 05 Episode 11 Title: "Sex Fog and a Mild-to-Moderate Panic Attack"

Have you looked at this schedule?

The service is an hour and a half.

It's a full Mass with Communion, a "Blessing of the People."

What the hell is that?

It's when I whisper "Hail, Satan" under my breath.

This is gonna be torture.

Oh, relax. We'll just make out in the back row.

Sweetheart, you're in the ceremony.

Didn't you go to the rehearsal?

Rehearsal? I'm not hosting SNL.

Hey, when we finally do this, I say we knock it out

at City Hall, grab some Chinese,

and we're on a plane to Hawaii by sundown.

See, that is why I am marrying you.

Some day.

Aw, geez, after the ceremony,

there's a 45-minute drive to the reception?

This better be an open bar.

Yeah, about that...

Hmm, it's a dry wedding.

No alcohol? Why didn't you tell me?

Same reason you don't tell a baby

he's about to be circumcised.

Does she always do that?

Uh, well, it's been a long time

since she's seen me kissing anyone but her.

I have been waiting so long to do this with you.

And by "this," I mean...

more than this.

Like a naked version of this.

Ooh, that sounds fun.

Maybe without Big Eyes. Lucy,

squirrel in the back of the house!

There's no squirrels.

- Mmm. - Oh. Mmm.

- Mmm. - Oh.

I can't go back any farther.

There's, like, nine pillows behind me.

Uh, yeah, well, uh, my ex-wife is a decorator,

and she's really into throw pillows.

And art and furniture.

Pretty much everything in the house that's not me.

Mmm.

So, what you're saying is your ex-wife is kind of everywhere.

Yeah. I never really thought about that.

It's just that it's our first time,

and I want it to be perfect.

You know what?

I got a surprise for you now.

How about you and me find a really nice hotel room?

Oh, my God, hotel sex?

That's the best kind of sex there is.

I know. Such a beautiful service.

So moving.

I'll see you at the reception.

Oh, my God, that was endless.

The standing up, the sitting down.

That guy walking around throwing smoke at people.

And if I have to wait in line for a cracker,

would it kill 'em to spray a little cheese on it?

I don't know. I thought

the children's choir was kind of nice.

Really? 'Cause I was hoping

a bigger choir would come and beat 'em up.

Come on. They were singing about love in Italian.

Oh, they could have been singing about linguine.

You don't know.

Are your eyes red?

Please tell me you weren't crying.

No. Just... the whole thing got to me

a little more than I thought it would.

When they took their two little candles

and lit the one big candle.

They're the one big candle now.

Sorry, I didn't notice.

At that point, I was trying

to slice my Spanx open with a nail clipper.

Hey, would it be so terrible

if we did the candle thing at our wedding?

Maybe we even get married in a church.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

What happened to City Hall, Chinese food, Hawaii?

I don't know. Maybe we should do something more traditional.

The only reason I am not driving head-on into traffic

is I don't want to die in this dress.

So this room's working for you.

Oh, yeah.

Was that you?

Not yet.

Oh, God, yes.

Still not me.

You know what? I think we've got some neighbors.

Why don't we try to tune 'em out?

Oh!

Well, that guy has a gear I don't have.

I'm really sorry.

No, no, no, no, no. I get it. I get it.

That second girl got pretty loud.

So where to now?

Well, I'm gonna take us to my favorite beach.

It's really secluded and very romantic.

Oh. The beach.

I think you mean, "Oh, the beach!"

No, I-I love the beach.

- I just don't love the beach naked. - Ah.

Women are kind of like English muffins.

We have a lot of nooks and crannies.

What's going on?

Well, Christy, um...

I just got to ask.

Are you having second thoughts about this?