A Bad Moms Christmas

Subtitles by explosiveskull

I'm Amy Mitchell.

And this year

I ruined Christmas.

Christmas is by far

the most stressful time of the year for moms.

There are a million things to do.

And you have to do them all perfectly

or else you will never forgive yourself.

And more importantly, neither will your kids.

I literally feel like

the worst mom in the world right now.

Maybe I should start at the beginning.

I've always loved Christmas.

It's my favorite time of the year.

Most of all, I love the time with my family.

Because all I want

all any mom wants

is for their kids to have an amazing Christmas.

That said, Christmas is an insane amount of work.

First, you have to buy gifts

for every human being you've ever met.

I gave my coffee guy a scented candle this year.

Why did I do that?

Then, you have to decorate your house

which, clearly, I suck at.

I'm doing the best I can, Charmaine!

Then, you have to go to all your kids' Christmas shows

which are...

Yeah.

Then, there's all the over-the-top Christmas parties.

Oh, my God.

Are these lobster Santa hats?

Are these a thing now?

What the fuck?

Then, there's all the cooking

all the cleaning

all the wrapping.

It's insane!

There's just never enough time.

Argh!

- Hi, mom. - Hey.

- Hey! - How was the game?

It was great! The Bulls won.

- Yes! Congratulations. - Yes!

- Hi, honey. - I love you, baby.

Wow. Your house looks really great.

Oh, thank you.

I still-I still got lots left to do, but...

Can I do anything to help?

No, no, not unless you know how

to magically fix Christmas lights.

Yeah. Yeah, I can do that.

Yeah, you just swap out the fuse.

It's pretty easy.

That's pretty hot. I won't lie.

Oh, you're definitely getting the gold-star treatment tonight.

I like that, but hold that thought.

Okay.

Oh. Your dad is awesome.

I thought you hated him.

What? No, honey, what? Why would you say that?

When you came over to the house last week

I heard you and daddy in the bedroom

and you kept screaming at him.

Oh, yeah.

No, honey, those were...

Those were happy screams.

They didn't sound happy.

And then you punched the wall

and yelled the F-word.

Okay, I-I, um...

Yeah, I don't, I don't really recall

doing that, so, yeah.

- I don't know if that happened. - You did.

You were like, "Oh, my fucking God!"

Just like that.

"Oh, my fucking God!"

Okay, alright. Shh! Shh!

Um, here's the thing.

Your dad and I were just playing a fun

little grown-up game.

You played the game seven times.

Six and a half. But who's counting?

Here's the thing, let's just not...

Let's just not talk about this.

- Cool? - Cool.

- High-five. Awesome. - Got it.

Oh, no.

What is it?

My mother's coming for Christmas.

Oh, my fucking God!

Thanks for helping me decorate the tree, guys.

Bernard, let's hang 'em on the tree. Okay, buddy?

Oh, who put the big brown ornament

right on the front of the tree?

- It looks like doodie. - Yes, it does, baby.

And that's why mommy's gonna move it around back.

Oh, no, sweetie

we don't drink the tree water.

We don't drink the tree water

'cause we're people, right?

Mommy, is there a Santa Claus?

You bet there is, buddy.

- I know. - Are you lying to me, mommy?

Oh, God, make it stop.

What else have you lied about?

- Hey, babe. - Hey, dad.

- Hi, guys. - Hi.

- You alright? - Yeah.

- Tree looks great. - Thank you.

- Want me to feed the twins? - Yes, please.

- Hey, buddy. Good to see you. - Thank you.

- Let's get some food. - It's okay, buddy.

Aw, it's alright.

Hah! Merry Christmas, Kiki!

- Mom? Hi! - Oh... my... gosh!

I thought you weren't coming until Friday.

Well, I just hopped on an earlier flight.

- Three days earlier? - Oh.

I-I haven't made up the guest bedroom or anything.

That's okay. I'll just sleep with you.

Big spoon, little spoon.

I usually sleep with my husband now.

Hey, you wanna see the sweatshirt I made?

I love this picture.

And look, you were just getting your little tiny breasts.

- Well, one of 'em, anyway. - You just got here.

Let's not talk about my breasts.

- Then the other one popped out. - Yeah.

Thank goodness!

Oh, Keeks!

If you play your cards right, you could get

a sweatshirt just like this for Christmas.

Oh, no.

Oh, Kiki Dee, I cannot wait

to spend every waking minute

of the next three weeks with you.

Hmm...

Oh!

Hmm...

Are you smelling my hair?

Yes.

Oh, my God.

If I have to wax one more pussy today

I'm gonna black out.

Since when did every woman in America

need a completely hairless vagina on Christmas?

Anyone else here for a wax?

Oh, my God, that's like 50 more vaginas.

Okay, who's next?

Oh, no, not you, sasquatch.

I can't handle you right now.

Hmm, let's see.

Oh. You. Betty White.

I'm intrigued.

Come with me.

Hey, what's up, lady?

- Mom? - Ha-ha!

Wait, what the actual fuck?

Oh, my God!

Ah! My God! My God!

Oh, my God!

Wait, I... Well, you didn't tell me

you were coming for Christmas.

It's Christmas?

Uh, yeah. Isn't that why you're here?

Totally! Totally why I'm here.

Merry Christmas, lady. Merry Christmas.

Jesus, look at you!

You bitch, you don't age at all.

Look how fucking hot you look!

Look at those boobs.

Oh, thanks. You're lookin' a little bit older.

But good, you look good.

What's it been, like three years?

Three?

Whoa, really?

Oh, gosh. I don't know, babe.

I don't really know what year it is.

Why are you wearing black pajamas?

Oh, uh... No, yeah, I, uh...

I work at a spa.

You have a fucking job?

Yeah. Yeah.

I'm tryin' to be more responsible and shit.

Oh, you always were so weird.

So why are you really here, mom?

What do you mean?

Well, you only come when you need money.

Uh, oh... No, no, no.

I don't gamble anymore.

No, I'm just here to see

my daughter on Easter.

- Christmas. - Christmas.

So I think we should celebrate.

I know, Thunder Down Under

is playing by the airport.

I think we should hit that hard.

- Male strippers? - Yeah.