The Love Guru

When I was a child in India,

growing up in the tiny village of Harenmahkeester,

I found a voice-over machine,

which I still use to this day.

Oh, hi.

I decided to use the Morgan Freeman setting.

I am His Holiness the Guru Pitka.

In my book, If You're Happy and You Know it, Think Again,

I speak of intimacy, or "into-me-I-see."

Intimacy is like putting your wiener on the table and having someone say,

"That looks like a penis, only smaller."

Only smaller.

Though I was raised here in India, I was born in America,

which is where our journey begins.

It's the story of a hockey player named Darren Roanoke,

my most resistant student, who became my greatest teacher.

Or some such bullshit. I don't know. Gotta go!

- Hi, I'm Trent Lueders! - And I'm Jay Kell.

Tonight is all about champions.

But before we get going,

I'd like to start by thanking my own personal champions.

The fans who supported me with their cards and letters

during my recent addiction to peyote buttons and Frangelico.

I've already apologized to my friends, my family, and my god.

And now, I'd like to apologize to Dame Judi Dench

for my vicious and brutal attack.

I'm sorry, Judi, you did not deserve that, and I hope the staples come out soon.

Over to you, Trent.

Thanks, Jay!

Tonight, the Toronto Maple Leafs' Darren Roanoke

is the subject of our player profile.

Hockey has its legends.

Now, the new one, Darren Roanoke.

Known as the Tiger Woods of hockey,

Roanoke brought the sport to a whole new audience.

- Hey, yo, check this, son! - Check this!

A role model turned bad boy.

He was in a perfect marriage.

But before the playoffs,

he stunned the world by separating from his wife, Prudence.

From role model to dating models.

Roanoke found out his wife, Prudence,

was dating the L.A. Kings' legendary

French-Canadian goalie, Jacques "Le Coq" Grande.

He earned his nickname, "Le Coq,"

for reasons that cannot be stated on this program.

This interview is over.

Holy...

That's when Roanoke fell apart.

Roanoke is hit hard. Open net! He misses!

Damn, damn, damn!

But the question on everyone's mind is, can the Leafs win without Roanoke?

Well, can we win the Cup without Roanoke?

Not a chance, boss.

As long as Jacques "Le Coq" Grande is banging Darren's wife,

Darren's toast.

My father once told me the Yankees hired a guru to turn their team around.

I have our guru.

If he can fix Darren, we win the Cup.

They call him the Love Guru.

Tumble out of bed and I stumble to the kitchen

Pour myself a cup of ambition

Yawning, stretching, try to come to life

Jump in the shower and the blood starts pumping

Out on the streets the traffic starts jumping

With folks like me on the job from 9:00 to 5:00

Working 9:00 to 5:00

What a way to make a living

Barely getting by it's all taking and no giving

They just use your mind and they never give you credit

It's enough to drive you crazy if you let it

They let your dream just to watch them shatter

You're just a step on the boss man's ladder

But you've got dreams he'll never take away

You're in the same boat with a lot of your friends

Waiting for the day your ship will come in

And the tide's gonna turn and it's all gonna roll your way

Working 9:00 to 5:00 for service and devotion

You would think that I would deserve a fair promotion

Want to move ahead but the boss won't seem to let me

I swear sometimes that man is out to get me

Working 9:00 to 5:00

What a way to make a living

Barely getting by it's all taking and no giving

They just use your mind and they never give you credit

It's enough to drive you crazy if you let it

Working 9:00 to 5:00

What a way to make a living

Barely getting by it's all taking and no giving

They just use your mind and they never give you credit

It's enough to drive you crazy if you let it

Working 9:00 to 5:00, yeah!

Here we go, here we go.

Mariska Hargitay, Speedy. Yeah.

Ride 'em, cowboy.

Mariska Hargitay, Your Holiness.

Rajneesh! Mariska Hargitay.

Your manager Richard Pants is here.

Dick Pants. Send him in.

Mariska Hargitay, Your Holiness.

Have you seen today's paper?

Oh, don't tell me,

it's another article about Deepak Chopra being number one

and me being number two?

Not in as many words.

Quaking pudding! I can't take this!

Not again! What? Why, why?

Babu, to be the world's second most popular

Neo-Eastern-Self-Help-Spiritualist is no small thing.

Thank you, Rajneesh. You are my compass.

Give me a pound.

Lock it down.

Break the pickle.

Tickle, tickle.

- You! - You!

- Well, no, you! - You!

No, no, no! You!

Okay. You!

No! You!

Stop it!

Who's the gift basket from, Dick?

Brad and Angelina.

It says, "Thank you for the gift of true intimacy,

"but we've decided to work with Deepak instead."

What does Deepak Chopra have that I don't have?

He's been on Oprah.

Oprah!

And Oprah loves a great story. Now, take a look at this.

The Toronto Maple Leafs will pay you $2 million,

if you can get Darren Roanoke back with his wife

in time to win the Stanley Cup.

Two million dollars!

That's a lot of cheese.

But wait, it gets better!

I spoke to Oprah's producers,

and if you can restore Darren Roanoke's marriage,

they guarantee that you will be on her show!

Let me get this straight.

If I fix their marriage, I get on Oprah,

and if I get on Oprah, I'm the next Deepak Chopra!

Deepak Chopra. Maurice Pitka.

Please enter the ashram of the Guru Tugginmypudha.

Guru Tugginmypudha, you are so good with nunchucks,

yet you are blind.

I am not blind.

I am just severely cross-eyed.

I know, it is weird.

Be seated.

Deepak, here you go.

Maurice, you're not of Indian blood.

Speak of your parents.

They are both dead. They were missionaries.

And what did they do before then?

They were dog stylists.

So, let me get this straight.

They were into doggy style before the missionary position?

That's hilarious. My parents are dead. Thanks.

Deepak,

why do you want to join the Tugginmypudha Ashram?

To seek my true self.

All right, kiss ass.

Maurice, why do you want to join?

I want to become a guru so girls will like me.

Then I will like myself.

Deepak, you will enjoy love in all forms.

Maurice, you must wear this chastity belt.

Chastity belt? That sucks!

Once you have learned

that self-love is more important than being loved by others,

you may remove the belt.

Master, if I am not allowed to be with a woman, may I still...

You will go cross-eyed!

Guaranteed.

- Mariska Hargitay. Yeah. - Mariska Hargitay.

I am His Holiness, the Guru Pitka.

Welcome to my ashram,

the Ecumenical Intuitive Enlightenment Initiative Organization,

or EIEIO.

- Guru Pitka had a farm. - EIEIO.

- And on that farm, he did no harm. - EIEIO.

Okay.

If I sit like this any longer, I'm gonna pop my dink bag.

Listen up. I am a guru.

Let's look at the word "guru," okay?

My goal is to get you to say, "Gee, you are you."

TM.

And the you of "guru" is intimacy.

Or "into-me-l-see."

I see.

Without intimacy, you feel nowhere.

Tonight I want you to go from nowhere to "now here."

Yeah.

It's like in The Electric Company, you know?

- Now... - Here.

- Nowhere. - Nowhere.

My laws of intimacy are kind of like my Bible.

And let's look at the word "Bible," shall we?

The Bible is "basic instructions before leaving earth."

TM.

Put that shit on a T-shirt.