30 Rock

Alright!

Now that the popsicle is melted, we've got ourselves a tongue depressor

I want you to look at these cold sores...

I get them when I'm stressed-out

Nothing to be ashamed of... I get them from prostitutes.

It's been a hard couple of months,

Work has been crazy,

and I went through a bad breakup.

And then there was this plastic bag

that represented my death...

sounds like you could use a little R&R...

Rum and ritalin.

Actually, I was hoping you'd just have an ointment

- for my mouth. - Gross.

'Cause I'm dealing with the stress thing.

Over the break-up,

I'm renting a cottage out in the Hamptons.

There's just four things I want to do this summer...

be outdoors, wear shapeless clothing,

do some mindless activity like gardening,

and learn Spanish.

There are four things I want to do this summer.

But they're roommates, so it's tricky.

All right, here is a prescription

for your cold sores,

and here's a blank one for the weekend.

Now, one final thing.

Why aren't you wearing pants?

The other doctor told me to take them off.

Other doctor?

That's my brother Randy.

Tomorrow he's going to jail for the rest of his life.

Good one, Randy!

Hey, you want to go to taco bell for lunch?

- Hey... - Stop right there.

I know that people are feeling sorry for me

because my wife was kidnapped by Kim Jong-Il.

- I know... - But I do not need your pity.

And I am tired of hearing that tone of voice.

- Aw... - Hey...

Hey, buddy...

Hey, I know what you're going through.

I once kidnapped a woman.

I know...

- Stop talking like that, Lemon. - I'm trying to,

but I'm kind of locked in, sweetie.

The voice is controlling me now.

Help me?

Look, obviously this has been difficult.

I'm not sleeping.

Last night I sat in front of the TV

and ate an entire carton of foie gras.

I can hardly drink my morning shower scotch.

I miss Avery.

It's the little things I miss most.

On a day like this,

we would go to Strawberry Fields in Central Park

and kick hippies' hacky sacks into the bushes.

Look, you need to reset and try to feel normal again.

Normal? I don't know what normal is anymore.

"Normal" is a woman and a woman

getting married and having a child.

- What? - Is me being a bummer

helping you feel like your old self?

- Keep going. - Bush is a war criminal!

There's so much texting going on these days

and no communicating.

Carbon tax!

Please leave!

That's the spirit.

Well, I'm off.

- Have a good summer, Jenna. - Oh, I will.

Do you remember when I performed

during halftime at the Wool Bowl?

It was on ESPN-34.

A singer, everyone!

Woolly the wool mascot, everybody!

The sponsors were so happy with me

they're now naming me the new celebrity face of wool.

How exciting!

Every year my aunt sends me a wool sweater for Christmas.

We get it, Aunt Alice. You're a sheep.

Also, this is very lucrative.

Paul and I can finally buy that timeshare in Betasten Bos,

Amsterdam's premier private sex garden.

They have genetically altered men there

with minotaur heads that chase you through the brambles.

Okay. Well, good-bye,

my closest female friend.

Oh, my God.

The season's over. Why are you losers still here?

Final melee, Liz.

It's the last game of the season

and no one wants to lose.

You have no summer plans?

Well, David Eggers and I are designing a new font.

Ugh, shut up.

Frank, you have a girlfriend.

And Lynn wants me to give up video games

'cause she thinks I need to grow up.

How's this for growing up?

Last night for dinner

I put milk in my Apple Jacks.

Ha! I distracted you, and you died.

- Game over. - No, I shot my bazooka

at the ground to kill myself 'cause Toofer had me cornered.

Now I respawn and start over.

So you're killing yourself

rather than let someone else win?

That's why everyone has zero kills

and we've been playing for 18 hours.

I'm wearing a diaper, like a baby would.

Wow. I can't wait to get out of here.

For three months. It's gonna be glorious.

Mmm.

Hi, neighbor. II'm ina Garten.

You know, my husband Jeffrey is away,

and I've got some bruschetta and white wine open.

- Why don't you come over? - I'm alive!

All I have left is to pay the fine that I incurred

for committing a hate crime

against what the city is now claiming was a Jewish tree.

And I'm free.

Have a great summer.

I'm not one for good-bye speeches,

but I do feel...

Lutz, what are you doing?

Don't look at me.

Mm.

Jenna, this is a great day

for the wool council.

Well, I am very proud

to be your new spokeswoman.

You know, in the past, I was the face of Clinique ,

a French-Canadian anal rejuvenation clinic.

Yes, well, about that.

Jenna...

Wool is a wholesome fabric,

which is why your contract includes a morality clause.

You will be required

to conduct your personal life in manner

which is consistent with the values

of this industry.

Oh, of course.

We're just a little worried

about publicity like this.

No, Eugene, that's not just some guy

I picked up at a dog bar.

Paul and I are in a committed relationship.

Is he a cross dresser?

Goodness, no!

Paul is a gender-dysmorphic bigenitalian pansexualle.

I see.

Maybe we should take a few days and think about this.

No. Whenever men say that,

I never see them again.

You just need to meet Paul.

Our relationship is everything that wool is about...

love, warmth,

chafed skin.

All right, Jenna. I'd love to meet Paul.

Let's say dinner tomorrow night at your place.

I'll bring my wife.

Excellent.

I should warn you...

This had better be a very normal dinner.

No hijinks, no farce, and not just for the sake

of your relationship with the National Wool Council,

but for the sake of my wife,

whose parents were killed in front of her

while an episode Three's Company was...

You know what? I'll let her tell the story at dinner.

Wool-come, Jenna.

Sherry, who was at the door?

Kenneth, what are you doing?

Well, I know your wife was kidnapped

by some convenience store owners,

and I'm real sorry about that.

I'm not looking for pity.

Pity? Oh, sir, back in Stone Mountain,

people lose their spouses all the time.

Mumps, hill people attacks,

cave collapses, both business and residential.

Continuing my list...

Kenneth, what do you want?

When someone needs help,

we don't waste time feeling sorry for 'em.

We help them.

And you seem like you could use a home-cooked meal.

Oh, that smells delicious.

It's an old Parcell family recipe.

But I like to replace the Union soldier meat

with boiled potatoes.

I haven't eaten at this table

since Avery's been gone.

That was her chair.

- Oh, I'm sorry. - No, please sit.

You two have similar-shaped buttocks.

Deer God,

thank you for this venison.