Parks and Recreation

- OKAY, EVERYBODY, THE HARVEST FESTIVAL IS TOMORROW.

AND I AM SO PROUD OF ALL OF YOU.

YOU'VE WORKED SO HARD.

YOU'RE AMAZING. SO I HAVE A SURPRISE.

AND IT IS POSSIBLY THE BEST THING

TO POTENTIALLY EVER HAPPEN

TO ANYONE ANYWHERE

IN THE HISTORY OF THE UNIVERSE.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

THE WORLD-FAMOUS LI'L SEBASTIAN.

- WHAT? - YES!

NO WAY!

- LI'L SEBASTIAN? OH, MY GOD!

OH, SNAP!

IT'S REALLY HIM!

- THAT'S REALLY LI'L SEBASTIAN?

- YES, THIS IS HIM! - THAT IS LI'L SEBASTIAN?

- TAKE MY PICTURE, TAKE MY PICTURE, PLEASE.

- WELL DONE, LESLIE. WELL DONE!

- I NEVER THOUGHT I'D GET TO MEET HIM!

WOW.

- LI'L SEBASTIAN MADE HIS DEBUT

AT THE LAST HARVEST FESTIVAL IN 1987,

AND HE WAS AN INSTANT PHENOMENON.

THAT WEEK,

HE WAS THE EIGHTH MOST PHOTOGRAPHED OBJECT IN AMERICA.

SO SUCK IT, THE ALAMO.

- I'M SITTING NEXT TO LI'L SEBASTIAN.

I KNOW, I KNOW.

- RIGHT NOW, I'M HERE, LI'L SEBASTIAN'S RIGHT THERE.

WOW!

- WOW. SO WHAT AM I MISSING? WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH THIS PONY?

- HE'S NOT A PONY, BEN. HE'S A MINI HORSE.

THERE'S A BIG DIFFERENCE.

- WELL, THEN, WHY IS HE SO FAMOUS?

DOES HE--DOES HE-- DOES HE DO SOMETHING?

WHAT DOES HE DO?

- YEAH, HE DOES BEING A MINI HORSE,

AND HE DOES IT BETTER THAN ANYONE.

- SON, THIS HORSE HAS AN HONORARY DEGREE FROM NOTRE DAME.

- WE ALL NEED TO BE VERY CAREFUL, OKAY?

REMEMBER, THIS LITTLE GUY IS 25 NOW.

AND HE HAS CATARACTS IN BOTH EYES

AND HE HAS SEVERE ARTHRITIS.

JERRY IS GONNA LOOK AFTER HIM. - YES, I AM.

WE ARE BOTH ON THE SAME DIABETES MEDICATION.

ARE YOU MY GLUCOTROL BUDDY?

ARE YOU? HUH?

ISN'T IT AMAZING?

- YEAH, I'VE JUST GOT TO BE HONEST.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE BIG DEAL IS.

GET OUT.

*

HMM.

- OKAY, COULDN'T YOU PUT SUE'S SALADS HERE?

ON DEEP FRIED BOULEVARD?

IT'S JUST...

THERE'S SO MANY JUNK FOOD PLACES AND ONLY ONE SALAD STAND.

- WELL, WE WANT TO MAKE MONEY, NOT MAKE PEOPLE HATE THEMSELVES.

- SALADS ARE MY LIFE. - OF COURSE. I'M SORRY.

UM, YOU KNOW WHAT WE'LL DO?

WE'LL MAKE SUE'S SALADS

THE OFFICIAL HEALTHY CHOICE OF THE HARVEST FESTIVAL.

- WOW. THAT'S GREAT. THANK YOU. - OF COURSE. SURE.

NOBODY'S GONNA COME TO YOUR STUPID BOOTH ANYWAY.

I'M SORRY?

- WELL, THE HARVEST FESTIVAL IS THE BIGGEST THING

I'VE EVER DONE IN MY CAREER, AND IF IT FAILS,

THE PARKS DEPARTMENT WILL BE ELIMINATED.

THAT'S WHY WE'RE GOING BIG.

SEVEN DAYS, OVER 30 DIFFERENT LOCATIONS,

50,000-PLUS VISITORS, AND FOUR HOSPITALITY KIOSKS.

GOD, I GOTTA STOP ENDING ON THAT BORING THING.

CLOWNS!

- UH, WELL, NO, YOU CANNOT SELL HOME-BREWED WATER.

AND AGAIN, NO, I WOULD NOT LIKE TO TASTE IT.

BUT THANK YOU FOR COMING IN.

APRIL, WHO'S NEXT?

- MAN, YOU ARE JUST KNOCKING THESE OFF.

YOU'RE LIKE A NINJA CROSSED WITH A JEDI OR SOMETHING.

- YOU'RE LIKE A NERD MIXED WITH A DORK OR SOMETHING.

- TOM, STAR WARS IS NOT THAT NERDY.

- NO, STAR WA IS NOT THAT NERDY.

- IT'S NOT; EVERYONE'S SEEN IT.

- EVERYONE'S SEEN IT.

- EVERYONE. - THIS GUY'S HERE.

- HEY, KEN. - HI, LESLIE.

- THIS IS BEN AND TOM. - THAT'S A DOPE BOLO.

THIS IS KEN HOTATE.

HE IS THE TRIBAL LEADER OF THE WAMAPOKE.

AH! WALLAHO!

- I JUST SAID, "HELLO, HONORED GUEST."

ALTHOUGH, LITERALLY TRANSLATED,

IT MEANS, "MAY YOU BE BLESSED WITH A MILLION POSSUMS."

THE WAMAPOKE USED TO USE POSSUM AS CURRENCY.

- OH. WELL, WALLA-HEY NONI-KOTI.

- NO, DON'T. OKAY. HAVE A SEAT.

KEN, I KNOW WHY YOU'RE HERE.

AND JUST LET ME SAY THAT WE REALLY TRIED.

- I'M SORRY, LESLIE, BUT THIS IS A BIG ONE.

I'M UNDER A LOT OF PRESSURE.

I'M GONNA NEED TO FORMALLY ASK YOU

TO, UH, MOVE THE CARNIVAL.

- I'M SORRY? WHAT'S GOING ON?

- THE CARNIVAL IS ON THE SITE OF THE BATTLE OF INDIAN HILL,

WHICH WAS AN EPIC SEVEN-DAY BATTLE THAT THE WAMAPOKE LOST.

DUE TO THE FACT THAT THEY DIDN'T HAVE ANY WEAPONS.

- DURING THE BATTLE, 93-YEAR-OLD CHIEF WAKOTE

WAS SHOT 102 TIMES BY THE CAVALRY.

DID HE DIE?

- YES.

- AND THIS MOMENT WILL BE COMMEMORATED

FOR THE NEXT SEVEN DAYS

WITH SHOOTING GALLERIES AND FRIED DOUGH STANDS.

KEN, I UNDERSTAND.

BUT THIS IS THE ONLY PLACE IN TOWN

THAT'S BIG ENOUGH TO HOUSE THE CARNIVAL RIDES.

PLUS, YOU KNOW, WITH PAWNEE'S HISTORY

IT'S VERY DIFFICULT TO NOT BE OFFENSIVE.

THIS IS A MAP OF ALL THE ATROCITIES THE PAWNEE SETTLERS

INFLICTED UPON THE WAMAPOKE INDIANS.

THE ATROCITIES ARE IN BLUE.

WE PUT UP A MEMORIAL PLAQUE,

AND WE HAVE A WAMAPOKE EXHIBIT IN THE HISTORY TENT.

WE'RE REALLY TRYING.

- I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND YOU.

I MEAN, I REALLY DO.

BUT THIS IS SACRED BURIAL GROUND.

AND I JUST HOPE THAT THE SOULS OF MY ANCESTORS

DON'T PUT A CURSE ON THIS FESTIVAL.

THERE ARE TWO THINGS I KNOW ABOUT WHITE PEOPLE.

THEY LOVE RACHAEL RAY,

AND THEY ARE TERRIFIED OF CURSES.

- SO, YEAH, SO JUST BRING IT RIGHT OVER THERE,

AND WE'LL BE GOOD. THANKS.

- HEY. - HEY.

- UM, SO SOMEBODY, I DON'T WANT TO SAY WHO--

IT WAS TOTALLY ME--

GOT SWEETUMS TO DONATE ANOTHER 15 COTTON CANDY MACHINES.

- GREAT. SWEETS! - YEAH, YEAH. YEAH.

- AW, TAKE THAT, CURSE. - TAKE THAT, CURSE.

- OUCH, OUCH, OUCH! - RIGHT IN THE CHEST, OH!

OW, OW, OW!

- BAZOOKA! - YOU'RE DEAD!

BAZOOKA!

THAT WAS FUNNY. - UGH! GET A ROOM.

- ALL RIGHT. - OKAY.

UM, SO, GUYS, FOCUS UP.

JOAN CALLAMEZZO IS COMING BY WITH A CAMERA CREW

FOR AN EXCLUSIVE LAST-MINUTE WALK-THROUGH

OF THE HARVEST FESTIVAL BEFORE WE OPEN TOMORROW.

SO EVERYTHING NEEDS TO BE PERFECT.

JOAN IS ALWAYS LOOKING FOR A SCANDAL.

SHE'S LIKE AN EAGLE-EYED TIGER.

- EAGLE-EYED TIGER, NEW BAND NAME, I CALL IT!

- SO EVERYBODY GATHER AROUND.

LET'S GRAB HANDS. - I DON'T HOLD HANDS.

- OKAY, YOU'RE ALL AMAZING, WONDERFUL PEOPLE.

AND I REALLY WANT YOU TO HAVE FUN TODAY

AND NOT FOCUS ON THE FACT THAT IF ONE THING GOES WRONG,

WE'RE ALL GOING TO LOSE OUR JOBS.

- THAT'S NOT INSPIRING. - OKAY.

LET'S GO GET 'EM, EVERYBODY!

ANY CONCERNS, ADDRESS THEM TO RON.

YES!

- THE ADVANTAGE OF BEING LESLIE'S BOSS

IS THAT SHE DOES EVERYTHING HERSELF,

AND THERE ARE NEVER ANY PROBLEMS.

WHICH MEANS, FOR THE NEXT WEEK,

I CAN SIT IN A LAWN CHAIR AND READ THIS BOOK ABOUT OLD BOATS.

EXCUSE ME. I HAVE TO GET BACK TO WORK.

- HEY, WHATEVER HAPPENED TO YOU AND THE BIONIC MAN?

- CHRIS? HE BROKE UP WITH ME.

BUT HE DID IT SO NICELY THAT I DIDN'T EVEN REALIZE HE DID IT.

- I'VE DONE THAT TO MULTIPLE MEN.

HOW YOU DOING? YOU DOING OKAY?

- THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ASKING. IT'S BEEN TOUGH, YEAH.

YEAH, TWO DAYS AGO I WAS SOBBING

AT A PIZZA BUFFET AND THEY ASKED ME TO LEAVE.

I'VE BEEN LOOKING AT SOME DOG ADOPTION WEB SITES.

BOUGHT $700 WORTH OF CANDLES FROM ANTHROPOLOGIE.

I DID THIS TO MY HAIR.

YOU KNOW, YOUR BASIC, BOTTOMING-OUT KIND OF STUFF.

YEAH.

NORMALLY, PEOPLE TELL YOU TO TALK ABOUT YOUR PROBLEMS.

I'M GONNA RECOMMEND YOU BOTTLE THAT NOISE UP.

- THAT'S WHAT MY MAILMAN SAID.

MUAH-MUAH-MURDER.

MURDER THE MOST MELONS.

SHAQUILLE SHOWERED SHAME ON SHAKIRA'S SHEETS.

- HELLO, JOAN. - HELLO, LESLIE.

LOOKS LIKE A VERY IMPRESSIVE FESTIVAL.

BUT WE'LL SEE.

WE'LL SEE.

- YOU REMEMBER BEN? - HI.

- IT'S NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN.

- LET'S GET STARTED. - OKAY.

- NOW, THE FESTIVAL IS SPREAD THROUGHOUT THE TOWN.

BUT THE CENTERPIECE IS THE CARNIVAL.

AND OVER HERE IS INDIANA'S LARGEST CORN MAZE.