GAME ON: A Comedy Crossover Event

Ah! Tío Victor,

I need your most caffeinated coffee.

The weak stuff at home barely makes me sweat anymore.

More coffee, Ash? You're shaking.

No, you're shaking.

No, I'm not.

Okay, I am,

but only because the Olympics are on,

and I haven't slept in three days.

Oh, there's so much to see.

Tokyo's 16 hours ahead.

If I sleep, I miss badminton.

And how could you live with yourself?

Ash, you need to sleep.

If you were a real sports fan, you'd understand.

Got me there.

Are you reading?

- What, are you out of podcasts? - No.

Yes. I've learned about every murder ever.

It's an article in Eater.

Our rival football-theme coffee shop, Brew 42,

just won Best Breakfast Burrito in Pasadena.

Brew 42, the place run

by the ex-Dallas Cowboys cheerleader you liked?

No. No, no, no, no, no. Uh-uh.

I never liked her.

Gia Cabrera always liked me, but I never thought

she was the most beautiful woman in the whole wide world.

That's the most attractive person I've ever seen.

No wonder you never liked her.

Read the article.

"With seven different delicious types of meat,

Brew 42's 'Seven Meatly Sins Burrito' is pure heaven".

I invented seven meats.

That's my "We Baked a Zoo Burrito".

But, tío, you also said you invented finger guns.

I invented these finger guns. Pew-pew!

You'll see. We're gonna do a taste test.

Tad went undercover to get me one of Gia's burritos.

Got the stuff. Hey, Ash.

It's me, Tad.

- I know. - I knew I should have worn that mustache.

Gimme the goods.

Same height.

Same width.

Same squeezability.

Tad, shuffle them.

Okay.

Okay.

Mm. Mm!

Delicious.

This one's mine.

Mm. This one's mine, too.

She stole my burrito!

She's evil.

Tío, it is just a burrito.

Just a burrito?

Ash, this burrito has been passed down

from generation to generation,

all the way back to bisabuelo Buenaventura!

So, you're saying this burrito is our heritage?

Yes, now you get it. But don't worry,

Gia's not gonna getaway with this. I have a plan.

Well, I'm all in, Coach.

Pew-pew!

See? He knows who invented that.

I know why Gia stole the burrito.

She's trying to get my attention because she always liked me.

That's ridiculous, man.

I know. It's my family's recipe.

No, it's ridiculous that you'd think she'd like you.

Cheerleaders and football players weren't allowed to date.

And for the record, she always liked me.

Then, how come she was always looking at me?

Because you were always on the sidelines

while I was actually playing.

Garcia!

- What the hell is this? - Gia.

Hmm. Oh!

It appears to be a cease and desist letter,

telling you to stop selling my burrito.

Hmm. Oh, well.

I guess you better stop selling my burrito.

From the Law Offices of Hobbs & Shaw?

They're a very respected

and real law firm.

I don't know why you're trying to steal my burrito.

Um, maybe it's some weird way of you acting out

on that schoolboy crush you still have on me?

What? Nuh-uh!

You stole my burrito. Just admit it.

Nico, can't you calm your partner down?

Hotheaded Victor.

Come on, we all used to get along.

Remember that charity dinner? The photo booth?

Yeah.

That was great.

- Great lighting. - Mm.

Fun props.

Why are we even fighting?

Whose side are you on?

- Uh... - Nico, you look amazing.

What's your workout regimen?

Just... I...

Yeah, I'm married!

Uh, I-I gotta go.

Sorry, man, but you're on your own. Uh, whatever you do,

don't look at those eyes.

Gia.

We both know Pasadena isn't big enough

for two meat-centric breakfast burritos

sold by football-themed coffee shops.

We need to settle this.

No, you're right. You're right.

One of us is gonna have to give up the recipe.

- Not it! - Not it! No tag-backs! It's mine!

- Not it! - Oh!

- It's mine! - It's mine!

Hey!

Shouting is not the way to settle

who gets to keep selling the burrito.

When countries don't get along, you know how they settle things?

War!

No. With friendly Olympic competitions,

which is what you two can do to settle this.

Ash, this obsession with the Olympics is getting out of hand.

I think it's a great idea.

I do too. I thought it was a great idea first.

Oh, it's on.

Oh, it's so on.

Tomorrow, Pat's and Brew 42

will be competing in the first-ever Coffeehouse Games.

Today, I will be choosing my team

and who will play in each competition.

Best of three events.

C-O-R-N, the cornhole bag-tossing game with the rules of H-O-R-S-E.

Paper football,

a tabletop game with a small paper football.

And mind reader,

which is like that Heads Up! game Ellen DeGeneres invented

but a knock-off version, so she won't sue.

Mm-hmm.

I love her, but she is very litigious.

I still don't get why there's all this fuss

over a seven-meat burrito.

Can't you just, like, add a meat?

It's about more than meats, Brooke.

It's about family pride.

Plus, anything after mutton... kinda gets you on PETA's radar.

So,

can I count on you guys

to play for Team Pat's against my enemy Gia

and her band of burrito thieves?

- You got it. - I'm in.

I'd love to help you, tío,

but you're saying words like "enemy" and "evil" a lot,

and that's just not the Olympic spirit.

Look, we're hosting.

We need to be gracious and welcoming and friendly.

Maybe you're right.

It's from Gia.

That's when Coach missed that field goal.

"My face when I realize I need to find a new career"?

This means war!

Whoa, Ash, I thought you were all about friendly competition.

I was a child!

My eyes are open now.

This is for our family's honor.

We're gonna wear their teeth as charm bracelets.

That's the spirit, Ash. Welcome aboard.

All right. Now, for our assignments.

I will play C-O-R-N. The girls will play mind reader.

Ah, perf. I used to play that with my camp friends

when we'd lie about having cramps to avoid going outside.

And I used to play every Friday night

with my friends at MIT.

written instructions.

All right.

Tad, of course, will play paper football.

It's an honor

to be representing my coffeehouse.

Stick will be cheerleader. All right, and break.

- Break. - Whoa, whoa!

No breaks. No break.

So, you all just assume Tad's good at everything?

Yes.

Well, I wanna compete too.

I'm actually very good at paper football.

I guess we could do a qualifying round.

Yes! Qualifying round.

I just so happen to be gifted

at any sport that involves finesse

and slight wrist movement.

Like my mom always says,

"Soft sports...

for a soft boy".

Enough talk. Let's rumble.

All right. You get four downs to push the paper football

over the edge for a touchdown.

If it falls off, you turn the ball over.